The Torments of a Single Girl

So.....

2011-08-16T19:23:00.000+10:00

So I know its been a long, loooong while since we last spoke but I think I'll be back talking to you more often for a while over the next 12 months. You see I'm going on an epic roadtrip and I think I'm going to need you to talk to in that time. I started another blog for friends and family to follow my travels and to share travel photos (and hilarious anecdotes* with) but I think I'm going to need you to talk to anonymously, to get down to the deeper things that I'm not comfortable sharing with those other readers. It's not something I feel I can do considering the audience of the new blog as this one is relatively anonymous. I don't leave til october so I just wanted to let you know haha.

*all anecdotes may or may not be hilarious based on your sense of humour

So howz it goin?

2010-07-26T21:24:00.001+10:00

Cuz I'm feeling crap and low tonight. Not that tonight is different than any other night after 'the great revelation' and while I wish that was greater than it sounds it's really only the realisation that I haven't had a serious relationship in 10 years. And you'll excuse me as I say 10 fucking years because that's what it is in my head. As in 10 FUCKING YEARS. I've had little flings here and there but in terms of "committed relationships", you know, relationships from the heart, and even then, what I thought was a relationship was a farce so it's probably more than that but I'm already depressed so let's not go there right now OK?

It's all been weighing on my mind lately, it's something that bugs me constantly. A friend of mine put it so eloquently today "one may have a blazing hearth in ones soul and yet no one comes to sit by it" I KNOW I'm a 'catch' and yet no one can see this book for it's cover. What am I sposed to do about that? I know most guys don't look beneath the cover first. I've been asking all of my friends that and they don't seem to be able to come up with any suggestions that I haven't already tried. So what am I sposed to do? Really? Because I for one am out of ideas. Completely.

So I'm open to suggestions dear reader if you're out there. If not, it's just BAU :)

Hmmmmmm

2010-07-20T21:19:00.001+10:00

So I slave away all day, stressed out by morons and incompetents who don't do the job that they're paid to do and then have the nerve to also whinge about the job that they're paid to do. I work long hours, deal with daily frustrations which just happen to be the same frustrations I've dealt with before in that endless cycle of purgatory because the organisation can't seem to learn lessons, move forward or get out of the rut of "the way things are done". I deal with a whole lot of crap and am still thankful that I have this hellish job and the money it gives me.

I work in a job that doesn't interest or excite me in any way and which I drag my ass out of my comfortable bed for. I do all of this just so that I get my weekly pay packet and can afford to live and pay my bills. I do this so that I can buy things that I don't necessarily need or want but have the privilege to buy so I do. Things that I will look at once and then forget and not appreciate them. Things that I will lust after but mean nothing in the grand scheme of things and are essentially worthless despite their price tag. All of this nonsense for what? WTF?

Sometimes life doesn't make a whole lot of sense.

File this under "things you don't want to know about your co-workers"

2010-07-12T19:10:00.002+10:00

Now let me just preface this by saying that I already have toilet issues ie I usually get stage fright if there is anyone else within earshot so if I know someone could be listening nothing's happenin. 6 months ago I moved offices and where I am in my building I can either go to a 3 stall loo or a 2 stall loo (or if I really want to trek there is my fave 1 stall loo waaaay down the other end of the building). So I've been trying to overcome my "issues" and have a few strategies in place but I'm still finding it hard to deal with a) hearing grunts and sighs of people shitting in the stalls next to me b) having anyone sitting in the stall directly next to me because unfortunately for me I have an extremely vivid imagination so there might as well not be any sort of partition next to me as I can see the person and what they're doing all too well and c) toilet acknowledgment - ie the nod or "hi" that is required when you're washing your hands or walking out or whatever when someone you know is walking in. All too intimate for me... anyway...

All of that (and more) aside... one thing that I'm not coping with too well is the, now, intimate knowledge of my co-workers, the people I have to deal with and sit with on a daily basis's personal hygiene. This is something I DO NOT NEED TO KNOW. So when I walk into the 3 stall loo the other day and there is someone in stall 1 I promptly take stall 3 to keep that buffer between us and try and do my thing. Stall1gal flushes and walks out to the sink and swishes the water on for 2 seconds then grabs some paper towels.... I'm thinking a two second token turning on of the tap does not equate to washing ones hands. Not that I'm a germaphobe or anything like that but I do believe in washing hands after toileting. So as not to get, as my friend calls it "doodle fingers" when she is talking to her small son about washing his hands. So I'm a lil grossed out and and finish my bidness and walk out hoping this person has left as it's already been a significant time and they should have left already but no... there stands my big boss. eeeuuuuwwwwwwwwwwww. Now I'm just grossed out AND she starts to talk to me about work stuff while I'm washing my hands, with soap, while she's just chat chatting away... I didn't say anything but was tempted.... I mean eeuuuwwwww I can't look at her the same way and I'm damn well not touching anything she has.

My previously mentioned fave 1 stall loo on the other side of the building is actually a unisex loo which has also come with similar unsavoury stories as the above as in I've been walking past, heard a flush then the door has immediately opened and people I know have walked out... flushing and walking out = no hand washing which = doodle fingers (and they've been guys so they really do have doodle fingers) = eeuuw you gross bastards.

Not fucking hard to wash your hands... gross.

And now that I've severely grossed myself out with that, I'm not going to tell you more stories which could be filed under "waaay too much information" because no doubt once I've overcome the nausea I'll tell you them too. yeech

Not actually dead

2010-06-28T20:03:00.004+10:00

Anonymous asked me a little while ago (April!) Whether I'd stopped blogging... and the answer is yes and no. I've been meaning to blog for the longest time and isn't it the thought that counts? no? okay then well here I am in the fleshy flesh. At the time of Anon's question I had a really good post and damned if I can find it now. Damn you real life for getting in the way. It's almost 6 months since my last post and to be honest I haven't been faithful to my paper diary either so it's sulking just as much as you. I had too much real life emotional stuff going on that I couldn't commit it to paper or this electronic paper so I hope you forgive me for both indiscretions. My paper diary did so, so should you because I do intend to blog here a little more often than 6 monthly intervals. I mean I'm living out my own pet peeve - interesting blogs that have these sporadic boring ass updates (and yeah I'm tootin my own horn with the "interesting" toot toot!)

And wouldn't you know it I just found the inspiring bit I wanted to post:

dammit how did that get in there... that's not what I meant - what I really meant was this speech:

> SPEECH BY ANNA QUINDLEN
>
> This was a speech made by Pulitzer Prize-winning author, Anna Quindlen
> at the graduation ceremony of an American university where she was
> awarded an Honorary PhD.
>
> "I'm a novelist. My work is human nature. Real life is all I know. Don't
> ever confuse the two, your life and your work. You will walk out of here
> this afternoon with only one thing that no one else has. There will be
> hundreds of people out there with your same degree: there will be
> thousands of people doing what you want to do for a living. But you will
> be the only person alive who has sole custody of your life. Your
> particular life. Your entire life. Not just your life at a desk or your
> life on a bus or in a car or at the computer. Not just the life of your
> mind, but the life of your heart. Not just your bank accounts but also
> your soul.
>
> People don't talk about the soul very much anymore. It's so much easier
> to write a resume than to craft a spirit. But a resume is cold comfort
> on a winter's night, or when you're sad, or broke, or lonely, or when
> you've received your test results and they're not so good.
>
> Here is my resume: I am a good mother to three children. I have tried
> never to let my work stand in the way of being a good parent. I no
> longer consider myself the centre of the universe. I show up. I listen.
> I try to laugh. I am a good friend to my husband. I have tried to make
> marriage vows mean what they say. I am a good friend to my friends and
> them to me. Without them, there would be nothing to say to you today,
> because I would be a cardboard cut out. But I call them on the phone and
> I meet them for lunch. I would be rotten, at best mediocre, at my job if
> those other things were not true.
>
> You cannot be really first rate at your work if your work is all you
> are. So here's what I wanted to tell you today: Get a life. A real life,
> not a manic pursuit of the next promotion, the bigger pay cheque, the
> larger house. Do you think you'd care so very much about those things if
> you blew an aneurysm one afternoon or found a lump in your breast?
>
> Get a life in which you notice the smell of salt water pushing itself on
> a breeze at the seaside, a life in which you stop and watch how a
> red-tailed hawk circles over the water, or the way a baby scowls with
> concentration when she tries to pick up a sweet with her thumb and first
> finger.
>
> Get a life in which you are not alone. Find people you love, and who
> love you. And remember that love is not leisure, it is work. Pick up the
> phone. Send an email. Write a letter. Get a life in which you are
> generous. And realize that life is the best thing ever, and that you
> have no business taking it for granted. Care so deeply about its
> goodness that you want to spread it around. Take money you would have
> spent on beer and give it to charity. Work in a soup kitchen. Be a big
> brother or sister. All of you want to do well. But if you do not do good
> too, then doing well will never be enough.
>
> It is so easy to waste our lives, our days, our hours, and our minutes.
> It is so easy to take for granted the colour of our kids' eyes, the way
> the melody in a symphony rises and falls and disappears and rises again.
> It is so easy to exist instead of to live.
>
> I learned to live many years ago. I learned to love the journey, not the
> destination. I learned that it is not a dress rehearsal, and that today
> is the only guarantee you get. I learned to look at all the good in the
> world and try to give some of it back because I believed in it,
> completely and utterly. And I tried to do that, in part, by telling
> others what I had learned. By telling them this: Consider the lilies of
> the field. Look at the fuzz on a baby's ear. Read in the back yard with
> the sun on your face.
>
> Learn to be happy. And think of life as a terminal illness, because if
> you do, you will live it with joy and passion as it ought to be lived".

So I hope you're all okay out there in blogland and I do honestly mean to post more often than every 6 months.... stay tuned mkay?

2009-12-03T19:32:00.003+11:00

Again, I've been slacking off. Actually I've taken back to paper, yep have rediscovered my journal. But my conscience couldn't leave you alone. I can't even begin to recap over the past couple of months since I've last posted. Lets just say that I'm going to be so glad once this year is over but at the same time I've discovered happiness. Funny because it seems to have been a completely shite year for most people I know. 2010 is going to have a lot to live up to. Either way as long as it's better than 2009 then it's good for me.

My beautiful man does actually have a girlfriend at the moment but poor man, doesn't quite realise that he's mine yet. I know that things will work out my way one way or another. I am manifesting a date for NYE although he hasn't made himself known to me yet. Next week eh?

And I've had an odd realisation during this time. Happiness is not something you find but something you create. All this time I've been waiting for it to find me... and it's something I need to make myself. To change MY way of thinking. Huge DUH moment huh? Needless to say the past couple of months have been particularly happy.

Of course except today when I've let things get to me a little bit. But I blame the full moon for my frustrations and irritations. I know it won't last long and nothing that champagne won't help.

Celebrated the 1st anniversary of M'Lord's death last month, was particularly awful and tearfilled so I won't go into it in detail. But even a year later I miss him like it was yesterday. Still haven't quite had the courage to adopt a new friend. Just not the same and I'm just not sure I can hack that connection yet. There's one particular tile, his tile, that just kills me when I look at it. As much as possible I try not to go there because when I do I just end up a howling mess. I do not look forward to the day when I lose a human.

Xmas on the way and I have more to say about that in my next post but right now the champers is kicking in and I'm losing coherency and my fingers are starting to type rubbish.... ;}

It's been a while

2009-10-14T19:30:00.004+11:00

And unfortunately most of what I want to write about is this guy, you know the one I've mentioned before. Yep HIM. Wowsers he really blows me away. At the moment he's away and boy oh boy do I miss him. More than I thought I would. More than what is normal for unrequited love. I've honestly never come across someone like him, someone who affects me so drastically. My friends are calling me cute because I get all 13 on them when I talk about him. I get the serious body flushes with the red face and sweating whenever he comes to visit. I'd bore you with the details ala before he left he asked me what I wanted him to bring me back and that he'd remembered the last time we spoke and asked if I'd spoken to him since then because he had some interesting (to me) news he had to share.....

Anyhoo, just to recap, I'll be 35 next month, not 13....

But that's how this guy makes me feel. I just want to giggle insanely all the time. He makes me HAPPY just when I think about him and things that he's said to me. Sad, so seriously sad. But at the same time I'm REALLY liking this happy high. AND it's starting to freak people out

A LOT

and that's worth it too. Most people are used to me being morose and cloudy and I'm loving this high and how much I've realised how unhappy I have been for the past... however many years it's been. Yeah. Happy. I KNOW!

weird huh!!!! So anyway despite my best intentions I'm gushing a lil, I'm sorry about that. I really can't help myself. I just wanted to log in and say hi and look what happened.

I can't even bitch about work like usual because at the moment I don't want to leave because of him (and being able to see him all the time) and it's actually making work bearable and even... enjoyable!! yeah, I hope you're sitting down. I'm not sure if it's him or whether work has just calmed down to the point where I can catch my breath and actually feel like I can achieve something for once... I dunno but it's a joy every day that I get to see him and I get on a serious high after I do.

He should be home either tomorrow or Friday so you guessed it, I can't wait. I don't want to make this sickening so you'll excuse the non postage. It's just that I'd be gushing about this man and his perfection and how insanely beautiful he is and I don't want to make you barf.

Oh em gee happy day fuckery

2009-09-28T20:45:00.000+10:00

Yep I kid you not I am on one serious high and have been for the last couple of weeks (which has also contributed to the non posting not that you've missed me...) But yes I am in love with my future husband. Mark my words my friends. I've found him and if I could work out the bloody italics on this thing it would be HIM. I told you about him before, the guy who blew my head off and lordy lordy he still continues to do so! He's EVERY thing I ever wanted and then some. I could gush for hours so don't get me started eh? I literally feel like I'm 13 again, haven't felt this way in a long LONG time and fuck it feels good!

I keep freaking people out with my intense good mood and I'm loving it! Not only that but I'm back on my plan and I've lost 7.5kgs in 2 months so happy about that too! I will get back to where I was and poor boy won't know what hit him. Good thing I can see the future. Can't wait! :)

Surely not?

2009-09-08T19:23:00.001+10:00

Am I a... Cougar? One of my fave breakfast radio announcers was talking about Cougars and said today that a cougar is a 35 year old... Is that right?? I always thought that cougars were 45+...

And here I am thinking that I have a super immature teenage angsty brain because I've been totally sucked in by the twilight books and movie (better late than never eh?) not that I'll admit it to anyone in real life but you. I have watched the movie every night since I got it (about 20 times now) and polished off the 4 books in 6 days and am rereading them again because I read them too fast the first time because I wanted to know what the story was about. It's the intensity of emotion that draws me in to twilight, the absolute adoration. I've always said that I want the next guy (third time lucky one) to be a perfect mix of the last two - the emotional intensity of S and the physical intensity of C. I know how crap the movie is but I just can't help myself. I'm not sure if I want to see New Moon movie when it's out in Nov because the book made me howl because I know what that hole feels like. I might wait til it's out on dvd so I can watch it (and cry) in private.

And then there's True Blood, ooohh vampire Eric. Numnumnum...let's just say I have vampires on the brain. Can't wait for the next ep!

Yup yup

2009-08-29T19:21:00.001+10:00

I know I haven't been here for a while (not that anyone is reading) but real life has been getting in the way. Things are shit hence the no posty. I wouldn't even know where to begin and it would only feel like bitching and moaning anyway. And that doesn't make for great reading.
Apart from all the usual bullshit I have vampires on the brain, between 30 days of night, True Blood and reading the Twilight series... Vampires

This = not good

2009-08-14T19:02:00.000+10:00

Sent from my BlackBerry®

corrupt, you corrupt

2009-08-07T19:41:00.003+10:00

woah am I in love with a man... He has completely blown me away like no man has since Benji so that would be complete obliteration for those uninitiated... Wowers this man has completely blown me away allow me to reiterate his good points...

In terms of my minimum check list:
smart: check, super smart as in wowsers super smart and I don't mean that lightly as in he's a Dr (non medico thank dog) and knows stuff about things.
funny: check, super funny and has made me laugh to the point of ow sore stomach
decent looking: oh damn straight, those eyes kill me and he looks so directly and intensely....
has traveled: check, definitely and still trying to work out his accent....

the optional but desirable:
a beautiful neck ala callan mulvey - check oh woah check... mmmmmm
nice hands - check, oh woah check....
and he's already got the piercing eyes... sorry I am trying to contain myself

bonus points: comes from Melbourne

dammit...

help...

Let me apologise to begin with...

2009-07-31T18:36:00.004+10:00

bear with me here....

Let me apologize to begin with
Let me apologize for what I'm about to say

But trying to be genuine was harder than it seemed
And somehow I got caught up in between

Let me apologize to begin with
Let me apologize for what I'm about to say

But trying to be someone else was harder than it seemed
And somehow I got caught up in between

[Chorus]
Between my pride and my promise
Between my lies and how the truth gets in the way

And things I want to say to you get lost before they come
The only thing that's worse than one is none
[End Chorus]

Let me apologize to begin with
Let me apologize for what I'm about to say

But trying to regain your trust was harder than it seemed
And somehow I got caught up in between

[Chorus]
Between my pride and my promise
Between my lies and how the truth gets in the way

The things I want to say to you get lost before they come
The only thing that's worse than one is none
The only thing that's worse than one is none
[End Chorus]

And I cannot explain to you
And anything I say or do or plan

Fear is not afraid of you
But guilt's a language you can understand

I cannot explain to you
And anything I say or do
I hope the actions speak the words they can

[Chorus]
For my pride and my promise
For my lies and how the truth gets in the way

The things I want to say to you get lost before they come
The only thing that's worse than one is

Pride and my promise
Between my lies and how the truth gets in the way

The things I want to say to you get lost before they come
The only thing that's worse than one is none
The only thing that's worse than one is none
The only thing that's worse than one is none
[End Chorus]

yesyes it's music once again but lemme just say that I like a boy.... I haven't liked a boy since Benji in what seems all those millennium ago. And really he's not a boy but a man. And a super smart and witty man at that. One that makes me laugh and has beautiful eyes. What more could you want in a man huh? I feel all giddy and want to make any excuse to talk to him. Naturally I've tried his last name on and it's a nice fit. yeah, I like this guy...

PS. I think I found a really cool job to go to as well.

Ohhhh boy

2009-07-22T18:56:00.001+10:00

Some time ago, and I'd post a link back if I wasn't phone blogging, I posted before and after pix of me and my massive weightloss. Well in basically a year and a half I've managed to get myself back to my before photo so I've gone back to cohens to get it all off again... Not really proud of myself for undoing all of my hard work but at least I'm doing something about it again.

I'd decided to go back before I went to melbourne and my little trip just provided me with a lil catalyst moment. One the plane trip there I discovered that I couldn't do up the seatbelt... Can you say MORTIFIED??!!! I had a suspicion that it might not go and it was only a matter of millimetres but that bastard would just not click in. And lucky me I was wedged in the middle seat so the guy to my right witnessed the whole thing and to his credit he tried to help by lifting the arm rest to see if that would help but no. So I sat there glowing red, pretending to have that fucker done up because I was too embarrassed to ask fo the extension thingy. 40 mins of pure hell later I couldn't get out of there quick enough.

On the way home I made sure I had a window seat on the right and again pretended to have that fucker done up so less embarrassment on the way home. I toyed with the idea of asking on my way into the plane but I was just too embarrassed to speak the words.

At least the whole mortifying experience has provided me with a helpful tool to keep me on track. Whenever I feel like some junk I just close my eyes and put myself back in that seat trying to get that shit closed and the look of pity in that guys eyes. Never again I tells ya, I will never be in that shape again. Calculating by my progress last time I should be back to my former shape by april/may next year. So now I just have to be patient and work hard which I know I can do.

A question

2009-07-17T21:04:00.000+10:00

I'm here living it up in Melbourne having a great time but that's not what I want to talk about yet. I have a question that I've been wondering about for years and after watching the news tonight about the Jakarta bombing I'll ask you:

How do terrorists pick the date that they do their terrible deeds?

Do they pick random dates or is it an astrological or numeralogical thing or does it have some sort of personal meaning to them like their mothers birthday? Do they consult some wizened crone to pluck the date? A roll of the dice? Flipping through a calendar and randomly pointing to a date? Or flipping through a calendar and looking for a free day that's convenient?

I know it's a really odd question to ponder but I have an odd brain. I just wonder if they realise that that date will be forever etched in history ala 9/11 or 7/7. Or maybe that's the point.

know me, broken by my master

2009-07-12T18:53:00.004+10:00

Well just 2 more sleeps and I'm off to Melbourne. Funny because I'm sure that the last time I spoke about it I'm sure it was 48 sleeps or something like that. How time flies eh? I'm super excited and have so many plans for my 1 short week. I'm not sure I mentioned it but I'm there chiefly for the Design+Decoration trade fair and all the side shows it has and I get to exercise my free NGV ticket to the Salvador Dali exhibition. And of course to catch up with some dear friends and to make general mischief which I'm good at doing when I'm there. I just love that city. I'm not sure what it is but as soon as the plane lands I feel like I am HOME. It's a really strange feeling, that "click" that I feel. The pure and utter romance that I feel for a city. I always feel like I'm smiling too much when I'm walking round by myself, grinning like a loon. It's completely intoxicating in the way that Maria was dancing and singing The Hills Are Alive atop that mountain. That's the way that I feel about Melbourne and it's a lil perverse really. Hard to explain the love of a city the way I feel it.

So yay two more sleeps. And I'll be staying at my favourite hotel, and yes again, I have a strange yen for staying in hotels. I love the crisp white sheets even though I pull them all out and wish for a doona. I love the complimentary coffee and tea (and my fave hotel also provides complimentary bikkies which I snarf YAY) and the mini soaps and white fluffy hotel towels. Who wouldn't love to stay in hotels I ask you???? Maybe I'm just too easily pleased but bloody hell I love hotels.

I do promise to try and post stuff while I'm in my fave town but if I get seriously engrossed in my town, which does happen, I beg your forgiveness because I just may be under this town's spell.

And on a side downer note, it has unbelievably been 8 months since I had to put down my love. Funnily enough I had my Mum's cat sit on my lap last night and that's what cracked me. The fact that I hadn't had a cat sit on my lap, purring, lapping up the chin scratchies for eight months. I was OK thinking it in my head but once I voiced it to Chloe (the cat) it broke me down. Yes I know it's been 8 months but I still miss M'Lord EVERY fucking day and I just WISH that it would get easier... when does it get easier??? please someone please bloody tell me because I fear that the answer is never. I can't look at my photos of him because they make me crack. I'm sick of seeing him in the corner of my eye around the house and expecting him to be behind the front door each and every time I walk in. I miss my 'tuck in' kisses at night. Habits are hard to break..... when does it get easier I ask you?

Anyway 2 sleeps :)

what am I sposed to do when the best part of me was always you

2009-07-02T17:26:00.004+10:00

I love song lyrics just a little more than poetry and I think I'm going to go back to my complexgirl habits of making the title of my posts an excerpt from the song that I'm listening to. Needless to say it's The Script, this bloody song has been stuck in my head and it could be a casualty of the constant rotation ala my local radio station but nevertheless I do like that lyric. So from now on join me in guess that lyric eh?

And the fact that I had to get assistance for my password here shows how long I've posted in the the flesh rather than via mobile and to be quite honest it feels a lil dirty ;}

I haven't had a good ranty post in a while and by god I've got a few rants to let out of the cage so let us begin.

Now you may or may not know how much of a private person I am in real life. Hard to believe considering I blog in a public forum but do note that it is anonymous (well relatively to those 3 people I've actually met and live half a world away from... anyway shaddap) but I really am quite a private person to the annoyance of some people because I don't (or find it so hard to) let them in. One thing that bugs the absolute shit out of me is when someone random like my nailsgirly (whom I share with Chip aka blabbermouth) tells me that I need to go out more or that I need to find a nice guy and settle down or some other random factoid that Chip has recited. Bugshit doesn't even come close and because I understand social decorum I don't immediately stand up, slap her in the face and walk out sans did nails. But MAN do I feel like it. I know that Chip can't help flapping her gums but it annoys me that it has to be about me, surely she's got something better to talk about me because really, I'm boring but we'll keep that between us. And secondly don't presume to know me and what's going on with me. The thing that shits me with people who say I should settle down, it's not like being single is my fucking choice or preference. I would happily settle down, you just show me a half decent tall (and half intelligent cause I can't abide stoopid) man my age and within my range of options and bloody hell I'm there in a snap. And thirdly, I really hate being told what to do. oooooohhh now that really rattles my cage and is a whoooollle other conversation.

More ranty goodness: And I guess this is part of a bigger issue that I'm slowly discovering and trying to deal with... I have dad issues (duh doesn't every "little girl"). And I'm not entirely sure what they are exactly. Part of it is an approval thing in that subconsciously I need his approval or rather his lack of disappointment if that makes sense. So recently I registered my business name and started working on my website, logo, business plan etc. And you'll excuse me if it's just my perception of the situation or me being overly sensitive but not only has my dad been suggesting alternative business names like the clappers but he went out and got a professional to come in and do exactly what my business is about.... AND it's exactly what I've told him to do before. Yay the vote of confidence in my abilities. I'm not sure if he's just being oblivious or what but that stung a little more than I'd like to admit out loud.

I'm sure there was more to rant about... hell if there is I can always come and edit post to add it in. ;}

Only 11 more sleeps til I'm in Melbourne again, *sigh* can you say excitement?

Shit. What have I got myself into...

2009-06-18T20:32:00.001+10:00

So in a drunken frenzy I've agreed to go out on Saturday night to my local gay bar with Chip and a bunch of friends, I'm half looking forward to it because of Red and hoping to see her there but at the same time it's like holy fuck what have I got myself into because this could get messy. The fact that I can't let go of myself unless I've had at least a brazillion drinks could make for fun times but at the same time I think holy fuck what am I doing????? Let's just say that I'm not a dancer and you can tell when I'm seriously off my face when I dance and that's why Chip wants to go out, so i'll keep you posted eh?

It's Stephen Kings fault I'm drinking

2009-06-17T21:39:00.002+10:00

I've been reading The Shining after reading it ages ago and the main character keeps thinking 'man I could do this better with a drink.' And so I caught myself wiping my lips and thinking ( albeit after a tremendously shitty day yesterday although not excusable day) geez I want a drink'. I didn't have one then but am I having drink and half now to make up for it and am thinking of fridays drink in advance and man Stephen King I blame you man. Not cool.

OK am I being unreasonable?

2009-06-16T19:55:00.001+10:00

My mum told me today that she wants to know what the dates are for the trade fair that I'm going to in July. That's trade fair as in only open to people who work in the trade. ie me, not her.

She also wants to know what hotel I'm staying at.

I don't want her to come.

And I don't really have any real reason other than this is MY thing that I have been looking forward to for months and I don't want her to come. Don't get me wrong, I love my mum and I like spending time with her but I just want to go by myself, it's my week not a mother-daughter week. If I tell her that she's gonna get the hump or say that she won't bother me and will just do her own thing while I do mine and the guilt trip is worse.

My solution is to not answer her questions and avoid the subject til it's too late to get flights or book a hotel and that's assuming her registration is accepted. Weak, I know... Still can't help but feel I'm being unreasonable but c'est la vie.

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr....

Doesn't get much better than this

2009-06-14T17:35:00.001+10:00

Just finished watching Cool Hand Luke for the 50 zillionth time. Go see it if you haven't already. Bloody brilliant.

C is for...

2009-06-09T13:32:00.001+10:00

It's true, I'm 34 and I have new Cookie Monster slippers. Damn they're comfy!

Swine flu

2009-06-04T19:41:00.001+10:00

Our swine flu count is on the up and up. I don't really understand what the big deal is and why some people have died because of it because all our cases seem to get over it ok (poor healthcare? Or the old and the young? Haven't looked into it so my bad). I keep joking with my friends that I want to come back from Melbourne in July with swine flu but it's only half a joke. I'd love 7 days quarantine and 7 glorious days away from work so I'll let you know how I go. Only 41 days to go.

This cracks me up

2009-05-29T11:12:00.000+10:00

What was on my friends wall

2009-05-28T20:55:00.001+10:00

I love these guys, huntsman spiders. I used to like to freak my friends out my picking them up and letting them crawl up my arm. They may be big and ugly but they're not poisonous so they're ok ;} this guy was on my friends wall.

Things I can't get over

2009-05-26T21:53:00.001+10:00

The smell of the inside of my washing machine.
The smell outside just before it rains and the smell as it's raining.
The smell of the inside of an M&Ms packet.
Anything peanut butter and chocolate.
The smell of Babybel cheeses.
Smoked salmon and brie on pumpernickel.
Gorgonzola with cherry Bon Maman on water crackers (thanks WLFG).
Basil pesto on grilled barramundi.
Movie popcorn.
Guylian seashell chocolates eaten with (good) hot coffee so that the coffee melts the choc.
The super zing of wasabi.
Freshly grated garlic and ginger on/in anything.
My brother's okonomiyaki.
My dad's saltimboca.
My mum's anything.
My friend Kat's salad with chicken kievs.
Chip's potato salad (with baby peas and smoked pancetta or prociutto)
Mashed potato with garlic.
Tia Maria on ice.
Gin and tonic with lots of lemon.
The tandoori and cheese roll (on italian bread!) From that little place in Melbourne where they toast it for me especial.
Canoli from (the award winning) Continental.

So good!

I don't believe it!

2009-05-22T17:39:00.000+10:00

There is actually a good side to being single!

I had to renew my security clearance recently which is a pretty arduous task in itself due to the 50 zillion questions you have to answer. If I had a partner it would have been 100 zillion questions so I guess that's my one good reason for being single. Yeah yeah clutching at straws but I gotta clutch them where I can right?

48 days til I'm back in melbourne. Cannot wait!

Love is a verb

2009-05-21T17:04:00.001+10:00

In my room - Incubus

This party is old and uninviting
Participants all in black and white
You enter in full blown technicolor
Nothing is the same after tonight

If the world would fall apart
In a fiction worthy wind
I wouldn't change a thing
Now that you're here

Yeah, love is a verb here in my room
Here in my room, here in my room

You enter and close the door behind you
Now show me the world as seen from the stars
If only the lights would dim a little
I'm wary about eyes upon my scars

If the world would fall apart
In a fiction worthy wind
I wouldn't change a thing
Now that you're here

Yeah, love is a verb here in my room
Here in my room, here in my room

Pink tractor beam into your incision
Head spinning as free as dervishes whirl
I came here expecting next to nothing
So thank you for being that kind of girl

Coffee is GOOD

2009-05-20T21:24:00.000+10:00

Pretty coffee is better :)

A thought

2009-05-17T21:36:00.000+10:00

And a strange one at that. I've never seen my Dad dance. I can't ever a remember a time, not a ballroom dance with my Mum, a step-clap boogie or something like that.

Just a thought.

Holy fuckin hell

2009-05-13T19:04:00.001+10:00

Sure the last time I had sex was when jebus was a lad but these things are better than sex (right now eh). Finally found a place other than USA Foods that supplies them here in Oz. Nom nom nom :)

I'm really excited!!!!

2009-05-08T17:58:00.000+10:00

It's a bit of a lightbulb moment for me. I've refined an idea that I've been working on for years. It has to do with my drawings and a particular drawing style that I've had for years. I was doodling the other night when it came to me out of the blue (which things usually do when I'm drawing as its a bit like meditation) and I'm working on a few examples to show you so I'll post some pix once I'm done. It takes a while to do them (and you'll see why when you see them) so I hope to have one up for you tomorrow.

Have I mentioned that I'm excited!

Why is it so?

2009-05-07T22:44:00.000+10:00

A little while ago I was reading a joke about Martha Stewart vs Maxine (the grumpy old woman) and there's a bit that goes:

Martha: wrap celery in aluminium foil when putting it in the fridge and it will stay crisp for weeks.

Maxine: celery, what's that?

Now I'd never heard of that so I thought I'd give it a go and it actually works but I can't find any info as to why it works. What is it about foil that keeps celery crisp? Does it work for other veggies? Enquiring minds want to know.

Tick fuckin tock

2009-05-04T18:35:00.000+10:00

Had a little freak out last night when I realised that I'll be 35 this year. Thirtyfuckingfive!!! Time is running out, the weeks are flying past and all of a sudden it's fucking May and half the bloody year is almost over. Again!!

And still I have no man and I am not pregnant. I never wanted to be one of those women in her thirties who reeked of desperation and eyed off every male as a potential babydaddy trying out his lastname for cadence and yet I find myself being exactly her. I want/need to have a baby before it's too late and now that I've had a little bit more of a freak out I'm feeling it all a little bit more strongly than ever before.

Nevermind my bloody parents chipping in with their two cents about wanting to be grandparents etc. At least I've got babysitters on call if I need them eh?

For fucks sake I even have a plan B in that the lovely Chip is prepared to be my surrogate if I can't actually conceive myself. I don't want it to come to that but at least I have a plan B.

I keep hearing that I need to be honest with myself and admit my true feelings to myself before anything will happen and I have! I don't know how much more honest I can be or what I'm hiding from myself. I don't know what else I need to do and I think I'm going to have to book in with L and see what else I need to do. I'm willing to do whatever it takes but I just bloodywell need to know what it is so I can do it!

*sigh* end of freak out for the moment...

Carrie

2009-05-04T15:09:00.002+10:00

I dunno whether I'm just a freak, (well yeah I do but anyway...) but I never found Carrie scary. I always felt so sorry for her. I guess I understand what it's like to be an outsider as I've always been one.

I read the book before I saw the movie because I've always been a big Stephen King fan (and just recently I've been introducing my Mum to his books and she's becoming a fan although she doesn't like his more violent books like Cell (which is one of my faves)) and it's always makes me feel sad and angry more than horrified. Not a lot of books translate well into movies but for me this is one of the good ones and I can forgive the artistic license taken to convert it to a movie. For once it doesn't spoil the whole thing but turns it into a new, and equally enjoyable story.

Needless to say I've recently re-read the book after picking up the movie in the dvd bargain bin.

Another really confusing book to movie conversion is Under the Tuscan Sun. I love the movie and have just started reading the book which is NOTHING like the movie. In the beginning I found it really hard to get into the book but I'm warming to it now that I'm about half way in. I can see the snippets where the movie has come from but it was a little confusing at the start.

Still a pretty good read if you can get past some of the wordy flowery bits. Just reminds me of the scene where she writes the postcard for a guy on her tourbus and he bitches at her that "the grapes even taste purple". Its written a bit like that.

Not good

2009-04-30T19:07:00.000+10:00

Yeah yeah I know that this is neither a healthy dinner nor a remedy for a particularly horrible day but it'll do the trick for both methinks.

I love the smell of roadkill in the morning

2009-04-30T19:05:00.000+10:00

There were 4 kangaroo carcasses on the side of the road on the way to work and it's not as if I live in the bush. There are often carcasses by the side of the road but to have 4 on one stretch is a little unusual. There's been a bit of a population problem anyway so no great loss in the grand scheme of things (yes bad way to die but the population problem is a whooole other post).

The worst part, apart from seeing their twisted, and often half mushied bloody corpses by the side of the road is the smell that wafts in through the air intake and lingers in the car for awhile. Kangaroo is one of the more pongier meats around. It's OK eating when done right with a yummy sauce (we are the only nation that eats it's own national emblem) but the meat really pongs. And when it's dead and rotting it's even worse.

Nice way to start the day.

Ya wha??

2009-04-26T18:40:00.000+10:00

Was just reading a magazine and came across this add for roll-on caffeine! What the fuck? Apparently it is supposed to help disappear the bags from under your eyes. Wonder if it works in those times when I'm running late and need a quick caffeine fix?

The wonders of modern technology eh?

Grief

2009-04-24T19:47:00.002+10:00

Grief is a new thing to me. I've never had anyone close to me die so I've never known how to deal with it. My first experience was my beloved cat Bebe Lamb dying of kidney disease when I lived overseas in 1992. All I got was a phonecall about it so it was a little remote, I cried a little then moved on because it was easy to do that with the distance. Then, while overseas in the same place, I got news that my most favourite grandfather had passed away. I know you're not supposed to have favourites but if you knew my family you would understand. I didn't get to go to his funeral but I did visit where his ashes were scattered with my Dad when I got back and I do have a special memento of that visit and that was pretty special but again, remote.

My first funeral was with my first boyfriend for a woman I never knew but I still bawled my eyes out due to the pain that was evident in the faces of the family and friends she left behind. My second was my grandmother, my most faves wife and again I couldn't stop bawling but it wasn't so much for the loss of her but for me and all of the times we didn't have because I don't think she really liked my brother and I all that much (again, if you knew my family you'd understand). My cousins got up at the pulpit and told how Granny had made them fairy dresses and sewed their dolly some clothes etc and I never got anything except a shove out the door because her blood pressure was getting too high.

Anyway what I'm leading up to is the grief I'm feeling for the loss of M'Lord. I had to kill him two days before my birthday (November) last year and I still haven't got over it. I relive every single detail of having to do it (and I do count myself lucky that I got to hold him as they injected him with an overdose of sedative but am so sorry that it hurt him as they did it) I'm ok most of the time but then I have some major boohoo moments at least once a week when I just can't take it and I miss him SO much that it physically hurts me, I've never felt such pain. Old habits die hard and I'm so used to having him around the house and I still see him out of the corner of my eye. I've never had these feelings and the strength of them has made me a little scared of the time when I lose a human that means even half as much to me as he did. I miss absolutely everything about him and it's always the little things that kill me the most, my tuck-in kisses, greeting me at the door as I come home each and every day that and so so much more that if I type any more I'm gonna be typing each moment that meant so much and I don't want you to bore you ;}

I just hope I get to a point where I'm not 65 and not still having boohoo moments where I miss him so terribly. Surely there will come a point where I don't miss him so much? Surely?

A proud daughter

2009-04-24T12:08:00.001+10:00

Just picked up my Dad's medals to wear to the dawn service tomorrow. Aren't they great?

The one on the right is his Australian Defence Medal for his time in the Navy Reserves and the one on the left is his Vietnam Logistic and Support medal and he's got one more which he hasn't received yet although it has been approved and looks like it won't arrive in time for me to wear on ANZAC day which is another one for service in Vietnam.

SO proud to wear these :)

Maybe it has something to do with the weather?

2009-04-24T09:38:00.001+10:00

Since my last post I've been surprisingly happy. I haven't felt like this in a long time hence my amazement. Nothing has really changed in my life apart from starting my design course (so maybe it's the light at the end of the tunnel factor?).

My Mum came over for dinner last night and we were talking about how cold it has been getting over the last two weeks and how she is starting to hibernate but I'm starting to come alive. I love winter and the cold and I have the same reaction every year. Once it starts getting cold I start getting into things. My motivation returns, I feel more refreshed and it feels like my brain switches on after turning to a runny goop over the heat of the summer.

And to celebrate all of that I'm having an extra long weekend by taking today off (it's a long weekend because of ANZAC day and I'm going to the dawn service and will b wearing my Dad's medals, yay Dad!) And am gonna have a bludge day today then spend the rest of the weekend on my assignments.

Does caffeine = happiness?

2009-04-21T18:01:00.000+10:00

Today I had 4 coffees, that's two above my usual and this afternoon for the first time in a very long time I've come home feeling happy. I feel a bit buzzy so I'm wondering about the correlation because is it really that simple?.

Alternately does having a plan = happiness? I think I've worked out a plan on how to move forwards in my crappy job, well actually it's sorta sideways but in a more satisfactory direction which means more to me than monetary compensation. Thanks to the economic crisis the drying up of juicy jobs in melbourne has put the kybosh on that little plan. I'm still looking but it's pretty slim pickins right now.

Or does having a glimmer of a possibility = happiness? On top of all that I've enrolled in a design course and my textbooks, equipment and first assignments turned up yesterday so I'm excited about getting started and the opportunities that completion is going to bring.

Either way, today I'm happy :)

More testing

2009-04-21T17:04:00.002+10:00

I just wanted to test out the whole image posting via email thingamabob so if you see a dude and a teapot (my fave by the way) then it worked. If you don't then it didn't bloody work...

By jove I think I've cracked it!

2009-04-20T18:16:00.000+10:00

I have been trying and trying to work out the blogger mobile posting and I do believe I've bloody well worked it out, hence you reading this eh? And do you know what this means? Yep, I'm back

Just a quick update because I'm heading out to dins in a second - I gots me a crackberry which has prompted my return for a couple of reasons. Firstly because I always get ideas for posts when I'm nowhere near the puter so now thanks to my insanely ridiculous data plan I can post whenever and wherever I want. Secondly because its too hard to blog as me @ my other blog. Having my relative anonymity is so much easier. And did I mention I bought a crackberry? ;)

So I'm back, I missed you.

Testing testing

2009-04-20T18:07:00.000+10:00

This is a bloody test.... Again
Sent from my BlackBerry® smartphone on 3

I've moved

2009-01-07T20:13:00.003+11:00

I've moved from here onto something a lil more real life. A bit scary for me being out there in all my fleshy goodness but I guess I thought it was time. Not sure if I'll be back here for a little secretive anonymous posting so the three of you who may still read this give me a hoi and I'll tell you where I am now...

It's been fun that's for sure!

fuck me, that explains it all

2008-10-22T19:50:00.004+11:00

Super props to http://www.kittenandsnake.net - I think she/he's been reading my diary dammit....

stuff n things

2008-10-21T19:50:00.007+11:00

I wish I had pretty words for how fucking bored I am with the usual bullshit that's going on in my life. Apart from just about to become a murderer ala the last post I'm so fucking tired.

Tired of:

a) being single and being penalised for it thanks to the govts $10 billion revitalisation plan which is penalising me for being a singleton with no kids or having anyone to care for by not giving me $1000.

b) the same old tired fucking bullshit at work over and over and over and over and over and over again. I'm surprised at myself that I've managed to put up with it so far

c) being tired. Whoever said sleep is overrated needs a trip in my world because I'm so fucking tired and I'm sure everything would look so much more rosier if I'd had another 5 hours sleep.

d) my addictive personality but I guess that's a topic for another time but (expletive deleted) I wish I could get myself under control.

e) being childless, yep I want to have my son already. I'm ready, just have to find my huband/sperm donor already. I'm just about to turn 34 and my deadline for having kids was 35 so tick tock... I will have a kid whether it's by sperm donor (willing or unwilling) by the time I'm 35 but I'm old fashioned in that I would rather it be by the father I'd like to stay with rather than a "donor". Either way I'm not missing out but fuck I'm impatient and wish I'd meet him already because I'm itching to have my son in a big way.

So all in all the usual bullshit, but it adds up to the usual equation - I am bored and lonely. Meh.

I will be a murderer - how am I supposed to kill you?

2008-08-14T22:12:00.003+10:00

yeah yeah I know, two posts in one month, what's going on eh?

but I'm just wondering how I can commit murder/death/kill?

Let me equate this to human terms. Say you've had a flat mate for 8 years. Now this flat mate has been pretty easy going, pretty darn cool listening to all your bullshit, being loving when he's had to, hung out when you've been low, being awesome with your friends. The occasional toilet dispute ie he's left the toilet seat up and has accidentally left a calling card but other than that he's been fantastic. Super accommodating of your faults, really loving, even pining when you've been away.

You tell me how you can look that person in the eye and kill them, make them dead, make them so that you'll never ever speak to them again, Ever. Never kiss them, hug them, speak to them again. How do you do that?

This this the problem that I'm struggling with at the moment. How do I kill my best friend in the world, the only person who's been there for me, the only one who's ever understood. How do I look him in the eye and say "that's enough for you"?

Fair enough he's got kidney disease and as far as I can tell is not doing the best, but still the same old spritely self but at the same time is not the same. How do I even make that decision? With Jack it wasn't even a question because things had dragged on for 9 months to the point where the decision was made for me but with M'Lord... how do I schedule a date for death? I know it's for his own good and all that but it doesn't make it any easier.

I keep taking photos of him and videos of him as if I'll never remember enough. The small looks and snuggles. As if the moment alone is going to fade and I'm not going to remember it. Oh boy am I struggling with this and I don't want to go the same way I did with Jack which was me hanging on to him for me - not looking at what was best for him.

I'm just wondering how I can turn myself into a willing murderer and be happy with the decision?

How am I sposed to kill him?

how?

Melbourne I love you

2008-08-11T21:17:00.002+10:00

I'm spending a whole glorious week in Melbourne as of next week. Words cannot even begin to describe how excited I am. Not only am I catching up with super friends but I'm having two "sorta" job interviews. Can you say "I want to move to Melbourne?". Either way I'm happy just to be there so I don't really give a shit either way.

One of my good friends has made me a stencil hunt because I'm madly in love with the street art in Melb so I'll be posting the findings of my hunt. He promises it will be a 2.5-3 hour hunt so should be good. Other than that I'll be shopping, shopping and a lil more shopping with a bit of touristy stuff chucked in for fun. I can't fuckin wait just in case I haven't mentioned it... by this time next week I'll be there... ahhhhhhhh.... word just cannot describe how slowly this week is going.. *sigh*

fer farks sake

2008-07-14T20:11:00.005+10:00

I've burnt myself three times in the last week, twice on the oven rack, once on the iron... geez. Conclusion - ironing is bad for your health!

anyhoo... allow me to update you with all the fascinating things that have been happening in my life because I realise it's been a while since my last post...

First of all, and I guess most importantly of all I've changed work teams - this means that I've lost half my minions (which is a good thing as it's the most time and stress intensive minions that I've lost) and I now have my own personal bulldog for a boss. He's complicated but better than the last. This doesn't mean that I'm going to stay any longer than I'd planned but just means that the remaining time is less painful. Still madly applying for jobs to get the hell out off the sinking ship.

Secondly I'm back out there, y'know on the market. I've gone on two dates, both with unsuitable guys but it's the thought that counts right? the fact that I'm out there right? Additionally Asshole1, the one that really killed me is kinda back in my life. BUT and I capitalise that, BUT it's as my friend because I've kinda had a revelation that it's not him that I've got the shits at but it's myself. Ultimately all he can give me is either an apology or an admission and I want neither from him. He's all of a sudden, wanted to come over twice so far (and is wrangling for a third time) but hasn't pulled his usual shit so dunno what the go is there. I was expecting him to pull something last time but he didn't so...? I was going to use it as an excuse to have "the conversation" with him but realised the above. That basically it's me that I have the shits with, not him. That I'm angry at myself for fooling myself and falling for his bullshit and glossing over those alarmbells that rang instead of asking questions when I should of. Fuck it's only taken me 10+ years to realise that... better late than never huh? ;} Just sucks that we've clicked right back into old times like nothing has ever happened and get on so well. Problem is that I can never EVER trust him again despite how charming and fucking hot he is. I'd never be able to be comfortable with him, never be able to relax. Which makes me wonder what he wants from me. It's not his style to just, all of a sudden, be friends. And this is how it all started between us in the first place, just hanging out, chattin bout music... So we'll see, he's got some DVDs of mine and wants to return them sometime this week so maybe it's just friends, maybe it's not. I'll keep ya posted.

But that being said I've decided that within 2 years I'm having a baby. So I'm looking for breeders and this whole date thing, hasn't helped. Just have to keep lookin without having that reeking cologne of desperation on me...

And for those of you who haven't seen Wolf Creek... go and watch it now... maybe... finally got around to watching it this weekend and holy fuck it really doesn't pull any punches... wowsers.

thats enough for now, enjoy.

Now I'm back here down on Earth

2008-06-12T20:37:00.005+10:00

I am officially a business owner.

My business name registration came through on Friday.

AND I have a date with an actual nice guy. Well I think he's nice... uh yep it's a semi blind date. I've swapped photos with him, talked to him on the phone and via email but not met him face to face yet. So we'll see. Not meeting him til next week so I'll report back on him then.

But the business.... am getting my website together, working on my logo etc, already have my business plan finalised. Still trying to get used to the idea that I'm a business owner. In a way it doesn't mean much right now as I'm still in the planning phase and haven't actually had a client yet but am working on that. Still madly working 11 hour days in the meantime. Good thing I don't sleep otherwise I'd never get anything done har har.

And a funny aside, the weather today on Today was broadcast from Dundas Square in Toronto. Stood in the exact spot that the chick was standing, minus the snow and icy wind of course. Toronto rocks by the way :D

I keep waking up and thinking it's Saturday and I can roll over and go back to sleep - don't you hate that...

how to make yourself feel pretty insignificant in one easy step

2008-06-04T20:33:00.002+10:00

Watch the National Geographic special Inside the Green Berets. I haven't cried that much since I don't know when.... I just don't have words enough to express how I feel. Watch it, you too can feel awed.

Crossroads

2008-05-27T20:07:00.004+10:00

Well yes I am alive and haven't been kidnapped by an arab prince and being held hostage in a harem against my will. I've returned in one piece but... words just don't even begin to describe the pure and utter hell that has been my life since my return. If I didn't have a mortgage and require money to buy food and pay the bills I would have quit my job 100 times over during the last couple of weeks. I thought it was pretty bad before I left but magnify that by about 1 brazillion and you're somewhere near the vicinity.

Let's just say that I'm looking for a new job. But at the same time I had a very inspiring conversation with someone I haven't seen in a very long time which has inspired me to get my act together and get my own business up and running. I've decided on a business name and started working on my business plan... The main thing that got me started was her saying " You work for 11 hours a day, you come home and still think about work (or do a little extra work) then can't sleep because you're thinking about work, then wake up during the night drafting emails or dreaming about work - imagine channeling the energy you're putting into a job you hate into a job you love? Imagine what you could achieve?" So fucking true....

So I'm looking for a job that I like but will afford me time to get my business up and running on the side. And yes I've been channeling that energy into the right spot.... watch this space.

I know I should give you an update on the whole Benji thing but let me sum it up by saying "He's just not that into me". Had a brilliant time on my trip, no fucking brilliant time on my trip but my secret mission was a failure. C'est la vie folks. Live and learn right?

and I REALLY missed my cat... also sad but true ;}

Incandescent with rage

2008-03-18T20:04:00.003+11:00

Today was the last straw. No really, I can't even begin to describe the day I've had but that's it. I'm out. They're lucky I only have 2 days to go before I'm on leave because I came close to resigning on the spot twice today. I realise I'm just mentally and physically ~~tired~~ exhausted and I have a mortgage and a fur-kid so when I get back from my vacay I'm looking for another job in earnest. Fuck them. Fuck them hard.

I was so fuckin angry today that I couldn't speak. And for me that's a rarity cuz I can talk the birds out of the trees. I've only had that happen to me 2 other times in my life but we won't go there right now. I've been given "help" in an underhanded guise that is only going to create more work for me and have been told I have to love the opportunity or never complain about the workload again if I reject it so basically I have no choice in the matter. Oh they're trying to put a nice positive spin on it but I just wanted scream at them to shut their fucking faces and they can take their spin and stick it. I'm not fucking stoopid, I know a whitewash when I see one.

It was funny how my rage transcended into a form serenity afterwards. I don't know if it was serenity or just disbelief at the whole ridiculous situation but I got real calm. Actually now that I think about it it was probably relief because a) I've got 2 days til I'm on leave and b) when I get I'm getting the FUCK outta there!

Today's post was brought to you by the word fuck, just in case you didn't notice...

stating the bleedin obvious

2008-03-13T20:06:00.004+11:00

I don't know if you've noticed but I have this little tendency to overthink things... well of course I've been thinking about this Benji thing and I've come up with 8 possible outcomes. One of which being the optimal with one second best. The rest are undesirable. And the optimal to me is probably not what you think. There are two main courses of action:

Option 1 - Do nothing, say nothing
1) stay friends and still never know and have to move on (aka stop being a pathetic loser)
2) he starts something of his own accord
2a) could be the start of something great
2b) could be the start of something ambiguous
2c) go home and it's the end

Option 2 - say something/do something
3) something happens
3a) could be the start of something great
3b) could be the start of something ambiguous
3c) go home and it's the end
4) get knocked back

That's pretty shite odds 1 in 8... I should maybe have prefaced all of this with the fact that he does not know how I feel about him. Well at least I'm pretty sure he doesn't. That's debatable by some but I'm pretty sure he doesn't suspect anything because I've made sure of that. Which makes all of this all the more psycho in my mind... and more complex because I haven't decided what I want to do about it when I get there. My aim is to just go and have fun and gauge along the way but my worst nightmare is to go there and come away from this still being in the dark. The sanest thing would be to just walk away and build a bridge... but if you knew this man.... wowsers. And I guess that's why I'm doing this. I can't let him be the one that got away. Not that he's mine in the first place but... I don't know. Any way I look at it it feels stalkerish and that's just not my intention. So on the surface it's me traveling to visit a friend with a hidden secret agenda that may or may not happen.

*sigh* yep it's been another long day and I'm tired and going round in circles... again.

S is for stress

2008-03-11T19:57:00.004+11:00

I really wonder about myself sometimes. I don't know if it's just because I'm feeling really tired and crappy or whether I'm just having a what the fuck am I doing moment. It always seems like so much to take when I feel so low. Work's fucked, overwhelming and all consuming. Another 11 and a half hour day today YUCK. Sorta had an argument with the only person I can talk to and now I'm having a why the hell am I doing this moment. What is the answer?????

42 isn't it? isn't that the answer to life, the universe and everything?

Anyway I'm not going to have a bitch and moan session today because it's just the same old bullshit said 5 different ways so dig into the archives if you want to. I just wish that I had some answers to these reoccurring questions. Well clearly they're reoccurring because I haven't found any answers yet because they're still bugging me and are still unresolved. Partly unresolved at the moment because work is sucking my soul. I have no friends, no hobbies, I have no time for me, no time for anything but work. I even dream about work and wake up at 3am thinking about things I haven't done or drafting emails. Yes yes yes I know it's called stress. I want a new job but at the same time I love the status of my job and I'm scared to leave my comfort zone. But the fucking insane hours are just getting to me. It worries me that if I did have a normal 9 to 5 job that once the shock clears that I'll be faced with the pitiful shriveled excuse that I call my life and I'll be forced to confront it. Sad, so sad. At least now intense work is a convenient excuse.

I know what I want but I don't know how to get it. Sadly what I want is to settle down and have a baby. I never, EVER thought I'd hear myself say that or even feel close to ready to be wanting that but that's what I want. I want a nice man, I want to share a life and create a life. Hell I'm not getting any younger so I need to do it soon. I don't know if it's just a romantic view that I have of this little scenario but right now, at this point in time in my life that's what I want. There's all sorts of side fantasies like buying a house together, renovating it and blah de blah that go along with this but I have a sneaking suspicion that I could get bored of domestic bliss and would probably go back to work part time anyway. Don't think I'd have a problem with that really. I feel really pathetic writing that, like it's shameful to want domestic bliss and I really don't know why I feel that. I don't know if I've ingrained the "independent career woman" image into my brain which is why I feel like I'm going against that... who knows.

Anyway I think I'm going to feel a lot better about things after my little holiday. Apart from hopefully resolving some of my Benji obsession one way or another and relaxing away from work, I hoping to get some clarity on what the fuck I'm doing with my life and where the hell am I going. Nothing like a bit of travel to give you perspective. Hell I might fall in love with some awesome canuck and never come back.

We shall see.

T minus 21 and counting

2008-03-06T19:54:00.003+11:00

21 days to go ho ho, 21 days to goooooo! My passport has finally turned up, I've made copies of absolutely everything, I've confirmed all of my reservations, I've even got tickets to the Blue Jays vs Red Sox game and I'm packed and ready go to! Can you say keen? uuhh yah!

Is it time to go yet? Huh? Huh? Huh? is it? is it?

what about now?

how bout now?

what about now?

how bout now?

huh? huh? huh?

Is it time to go?

how bout now?

what about now?

now?

now??

how bout now??

heheheheh

The story of my life....

2008-02-25T21:02:00.004+11:00

Why, why, WHY do I do this to myself? Have I or have I not been bitching and moaning about how crap my job is for the last however long and now that I have an interview for a job somewhere else I'm toying with the idea of staying put. Mainly because the course I did last week has actually made me excited about my work again. Is it self sabotage? Comfortzone-itis? Fear of the unknown? Fuck I don't know but I'm driving myself nuts with the to-ing and fro-ing. Really fuckin annoying! Guess I probably have to actually get the other job before I start thinking about it all but... I'm one for thinking ahead. And I know I'll get it. Just know it. AAARRGGHHH!!! Just wish I knew what the answer is. *sigh*

On the plus side I got an email from Benji this morning telling me I can sleep in his room and he will sleep on the couch... I'm going to leave it there because I know you know what I'm thinking. But I'm not going to let him do that, I'm happy to sleep on the couch as it would just be too... too pleasurably perverse for me to sleep in his bed.

I dunno if it's the pending full moon but everything seems to be happening at once again. Hate that manic cycle...

Oh and I can't count... it's not 30 days to go from last post... It's 31 days to go as of today, can you say keen? ;}

Holy crap!

2008-02-20T20:36:00.004+11:00

When things start to move, they start to move! Worked out that I've got 30 days til I leave, how does that work? I was pretty sure that it was 5-6 weeks away but all of a sudden it's 30 days. Can't wait to travel and scarily enough I'm really looking forward to the actual travel part of it, hanging round in airports etc. I'm sure I'll get over that pretty quickly ;} I keep swinging between being really excited and wondering what the hell I'm doing. Excited about the trip and all the fun things I've got planned but apprehensive about the Benji side of things. BUT I'm manifesting a positive outcome. I've locked it in with the Universe and there's that little part of me that's telling me I'm doing the right thing. I trust my gut instinct as it usually proves me right and deep down I know that I'm doing the right thing. I just need to trust. But wowsers, scary! It's a big leap but I'm a-leapin, I'm a-leapin!

This week I've been on a 3 day course that I've wanted to do for a long time. It's a bit of a certification stepping stone to other things and I'm finding it a lot easier than I thought I would. Not only is it an interesting course but the presenter is pretty interesting as well, she's studying quantum physics in her spare time and a lot of what she was saying sounds like The Secret. But it's put me in a certain frame of mind with the whole Benji thing so I'm focusing on manifesting a positive outcome rather than a negative. No sense in self sabotaging!

And then... I got a request for interview for that job I applied for! Next Thursday's the big day... not quite sure what to think yet as I'm too tired and my brain isn't working for it all to sink in yet. I'm nervous and excited at the same time (can you see a trend?). Interesting timing if it does come to fruition as times they are a-changing... There's just so much going on in my head it's hard to articulate it all without rambling on too much. And besides, Lost is about to start and I need my long awaited Sawyer fix.... mmmmm Sawyer....

It's a plan stan...

2008-02-18T18:05:00.004+11:00

Well things are slowly coming together, have got my travel insurance, have booked and paid for my travel which scares and excites me at the same time. It's really real now, no turning back. I just don't know how this thing with Benji is going to play out. I'm expecting the best but preparing for the worst. Things I still need to do:

Renew my passport or else I'm screwed.
Find out whether makeup facial wipe thingos are considered liquid for this weirdo carry-on liquid rule because I can't seem to find any packets that are under 100ml... wonder if I can put some in a zip lock bag...
Find out whether Canadian pancakes are really Canadian. Canadian pancakes here are pancakes with bacon and maple syrup. My #1 favourite and if they're just pretendy Canadian I'm going to be really upset because I want some genuwine Canadian pancakes when I'm there.
Stop reading the book I've bought to read while traveling on my trip otherwise I'm going to run out of good book choices. Currently reading The Night Watch by Sergei Lukyanenko so good thing it's a tetrology.
Stop making lists of things to pack, things to see/do when at destination xyz and things to buy for my trip.
Must remember not to pack too much, must remember not to pack too much, must remember not to pack too much.
Try not to obsessively run scenarios in my head about how the first part of my trip is going to play out and just let it happen how it happens.

So much to do, so little time ;}

si que what?

2008-02-14T20:59:00.005+11:00

Wowsers have I had two blasts from the past today... back on my old blog, back in Jan 2006 I talked about a serious hottie McHothot named JDub who wrote me this unexpected email after he had left the organisation. I wrote back to him but he never replied after that and out of sight, out of mind. Today... two years later he writes back to my original reply and says "Hi, sorry it's taken so long to reply - how's it all goin?" whaaaaaa? that's the longest EVER time taken to reply to an email... two whole years.... hehehe and naturally I've written back because he was seriously WOAH. It's funny because the first time I saw him that was my reaction... "woah who's that?!!" actually that was my first reaction with Benji too... so tis a measure of his hotness. So I'll be expecting a reply in another two years ;}

AND yesterday I got an email from my first ever internet friend. Bout 10 years ago, before I had my very own 'puter and internet connection, I used to go to the library and book in for an hours free internet chat and he was the first guy I ever spoke to in a chat room. We chatted every day and eventually chatted on the phone waaay too much, each of us racking up mondo phone bills. Then for reasons I won't explain we had to stop chatting and lost touch. Today I got an email from him for StumbleUpon which sends an email to everyone in your contacts list when you sign up so we've reconnected and I'll probably catch up with him when I'm in the states. He's changed heaps, hell he's 10 years older (and he has the best birth date "two for 69" 2/4/1969... which doesn't work in australian as here it's 4/2/69 but anyway) and seems older and wiser.

So interesting Vday today... really wanted something from my Benji but that's worth waiting a lifetime for... This time next year I'll be boring you with sappy sap, mark my words.

And pilfered this while combing my old blog: http://www.redhotscott.co.uk/shoppinglists/

OH.MY.GOD.

2008-02-11T19:13:00.000+11:00

I'm actually going.... my trip to Abu Dhabi and Canada... yep it's now a reality. Can you say scared out of my mind?? Finally got a reply to my email and he said yep come on over. Holycrapamoley..... I'd been gearing myself up for Plan B spend two weeks in Melbourne and as of this morning it's gungho with Plan A. I'm actually going!!!

Clearly I haven't been able to concentrate all day trying to get my tiny brain around the fact that not only am I going but I'm going to be staying with him for at least 72 glorious hours... AND not only that but he's coming back to town shortly thereafter for a month to go to 2 weddings. Needless to say my brain feels like it's going to explode. Need to get organised, renew my passport, work out what the hell I'm going to pack blah de blah de blah...

I'm so excited and so scared at the same time. I just dunno what is going to happen so I need to hope for the best but prepare for the worst. But at least I'm actually getting to make this leap of faith and have a whole lot of fun traveling while I'm at it. Man oh man... I can see I'm going to be a total fruitloop for the next six weeks...

the stars are aligned

2008-02-05T20:21:00.000+11:00

My horoscope for this week:

A change of residence or around family members is indicated for many Scorps in association with the solar eclipse of Feb 7, which may be associated with a new career path. The changes being made are for the best and bring many benefits with them. Travel or better education may be part of the deal.

Apart from the bad engrish I'm hoping it means that I get a call on Thursday asking me to come in for an interview for the job I applied for last monday. Funny but it's in the travel sector. Please mean that... please.

I'm so unsatisfied with just about everything in my life. I'm annoyingly restless and can't keep my mind on anything. I have a feeling that I won't be traveling overseas as planned, haven't heard from Benji or anyone else I want to catch up with so it looks like Plan B - spend 2 weeks in Melbourne. Really, really, really can't stand work at the moment (words don't even come close), my friends are being shallow, I'm stoopidly in love with a man who doesn't know I exist, I can't work out what I'm doing with my life and the list goes on... the only thing I am happy with is my weight. 3 kilos away from my goal and the end to this madness is in sight. Although I did have a major chocolate binge on the weekend in the pit of my despair and before you gimme the lecture about undoing all my hard work, I know I know... bite me.

I'm annoyed at being annoyed, I seem to go round and round in circles with this dissatisfaction thing and I'm just not coming up with the answer. I think one of the main things that has come to light for me in the last month is that I need to get away from my current employment. It's overtaking my life in that I can't sleep, I'm drafting emails and thinking of the things I didn't manage to get to at 3am in the morning, I'm frustrated all day because I can't get to the things I need to or get to do the work I want to not to mention the stoopid politicking and inconsequential bollocks I have to put up with on a daily basis. I think that if I had a job that is actually 9-5 and not 8-7 and all absorbing, all superstressing that I could find a modicum of a life. That combined with being in a new environment with new people and new challenges I think it would refresh me a little. The main thing I want is a job that I can leave at work when I step out the door and drive home. *sigh* I'm bitching again... sorry... do you want some cheese and crackers with that whine?

So finding a job is at least step one... So bring it on solar eclipse... please... before I do something that I'll regret like resign before having a job to go to... because I've been close in the last fortnight...

And oh joy of joys, V day is round the corner.

OK

enough whinging... off to exfoliate my legs ;}

Damn you full moon...

2008-01-29T20:22:00.000+11:00

Well first week back at work last week and I don't think I can remember a more hellish week in my many years with this company. Words don't even come close to be able to describe how bad. And considering how this week is looking you may very well get another bitching and moaning post from me before too long. Good thing I submitted another job application yesterday. Tis a good one so I really, really, REALLY hope I get it. I just need to get the fark out of my job. I've really had enough and it's time to move on. So I'll let you know how it turns out. No doubt I'll be freaking so you'll definately hear about it. Can't remember if I told you bout the other one (with the mondo bizarro selection criteria) but they decided not to proceed with the selection. Not surprising considering our recent change of government but annoying because that would have been a goodie too. Oh well was a good experience to do the weird SC.

I dunno whether I'm working myself up about my upcoming adventure but I can't stop thinking about Benji. Have you ever wanted something so bad it just drives you crazy? I can see everything sooo clearly, just got to work out how I can make it so. I really can't wait to go, if it wasn't for Easter coming round early this year I would be leaving earlier but oh well... patience...

I've already started writing my lists of stuff I need to pack, stuff I need to buy blah blah. Have I mentioned how much I love to travel? Guess I'm a bit weird like that in that I like airports and waiting around only because I get time on my hands. Time to think, time to write, time to read, time to listen to music I love, time to watch the people that are walking around. The only thing I'm not so fond of is turbulence on planes but that's a control thing for me. Because I'm not in control of the plane it freaks me out bigtime. You'd think that I'd be able to let go because I don't have control but no... takes me a lot of meditation and self talk to keep myself calm. Silly really because there is absolutely nothing I can do about it. Just have to get very internal and really focus on being calm and letting go. Helps if I have a book and some music to help distract myself as well ;}

But anyway I'm excited. Scared and excited. I dunno what is going to happen with Benji, I'm hoping for the best but being prepared for the worst. I just need him to see sense and trust me that I know what's good for him and that's me ;}. One thing I'm stuck on (and to give you an indication of how much I over think things) and that's if things do work out and say dream comes true and he realises he's madly in love with me and wants to be with me... what then? He's still waaaay over there and I'm still here. Two options, he cuts his time short and gets his sweet butt back home or b) I go over there. At this particular junction in time I am MORE than happy to go over there. The only thing holding me here is my cat and my family and both of which are sort of fixable. The cat not so much because I would be eternally woeful if I left him here (probably with my brother) and he died while I was over there. I don't know if I could wait for him to die before going to be with Benji because there is no firm timeline. That sounds bad but I'm sure you get what I mean. I couldn't take him with me because the stress would probably kill him. So yeah... overthinking huh...

So anyway in the grand scheme of things I just need to be patient and wait to see what happens and just accept it either way. I'm taking a crazy leap of faith and just have to trust that the Universe will be there to catch me.

My toe is feeling a bit better but it looks like they haven't set it properly so it's still a little twisted but like hell I'm going to go back so that they can rebreak it and reset it (probably without painkillers again owowowow). I can do without that inconvenience so I'm just gonna have a wonky toe. Might take a picture to share with you if I get around to it. Been having a bit of fun with it now that I'm back at work... People I haven't seen in a while have asked "how was your break" (meaning Xmas and New years holiday break) and I've said sore har har. Then they'll ask me how I did it so I tell them that this guy was giving me shit about my work so I started kicking and punching him and broke my toe on his head. I've had some people actually believe me for half a second before I've told them the real story. Gotta get my laffs where I can dammit ;}

Mr Right When You Need Him

2008-01-19T21:13:00.000+11:00

Forgot to tell you bout one of the most awesome Christmas presents I've ever received, hell best present full stop.

Mr Right When You Need Him:

He's this little cardboard cutout with magnetic sayings which include:

You look thin. Have you lost weight?
As always, you're right.
I could listen to you talk all night.
May I take you shoe shopping?
It's not your fault, it's mine.

And there are three blanks for you to inscribe your own sayings. The little booklet that comes with him is bloody hilarious! A few sections for your reading delight:

When exactly do you use Mr Right When You Need Him?

You'll find that once you welcome Mr Right When You Need Him into your life, you'll have a multitude of situations you'll be glad to have him on hand for:

Shopping in badly lit bathing suit dressing rooms (with those sadistically magnified mirrors!)
Enduring road raging traffic (just prop him up on the seat next to you and rant away!)
Contemplating eating another slice of cherry cheesecake (oh hell, eating that whole cherry cheesecake!)
Returning home for hight school reunions/family reunions (all kinds of angst-inducing reunions)

No matter where you may be going - someplace hoity-toity or merely to the linen closet - Mr Right When You need Him will be happy to be there by your side.

Signs of possible overuse:

Many of you right now may be wondering: Is it possible to overuse Mr Right When You Need Him?
The answer, my friends, is : Yes.
You'll know you've been spending too much time with Mr Right When You Need Him when you find yourself making out with him in restaurants. I understand there will be a part of you that will want to flaunt your love, but any overt displays of public affection with Mr Right When You Need Him should be curtailed immediately.

After all, he's just a doll - a D-O-L-L doll.

Pretty funny ;) but the section I love the most is the last one as there are little grains of truth in there...

Is it possible to find a real living, breathing Mr Right When you Need Him?

I believe there are real living, breathing - albeit oft times belching - Mr Right When You Need Hims out there to be found. And I believe, in time, you'll find one if you:

Burn that book The Rules. I know a lot of women say the way to catch a man is to play games. Not me. I believe if you use Game-Playing Bait, you lure in Game-Playing Fish.
Get out there. You must search willy nilly for a real Mr Right. Go to parties, museums, the park. Remember: You won't meet men sitting alone in your apartment. Well, except pizza delivery men.
Stop thinking: "If only I had thinner thighs!" and start working on getting a stronger gut. We must all learn to trust our guts and get out of a bad relationship fast. I now what I speaketh of. My motto: It's better to have loved and lost than to live with a psycho the rest of your life.
Never go to bed angry at your man (and miss the make-up sex? No way!)
Most importantly, don't always be blaming yourself for every bad date and every bad relationship. Remember: It's not always your fault. After all what's not to love and desire about you? You're totally adorable and gorgeous just as you are! In fact, you've been looking especially thin lately. Just ask that doll of a guy...

Like I said, awesome present! teehee!

owowowowowowowowowowwwww!!!!

2008-01-16T20:34:00.000+11:00

Hope everyone had an awesome Christmas and New Years, I know I did! Had an great start to the year, spent NYE with good friends at a really classy restaurant then sat around outside chatting and drinking til the wee hours of the morning. I tells ya, it's going to be a fantastic year!

I broke my little toe last week! owowowwwww! Note to self: Don't walk around in the dark when you've forgotten that you've put wooden crates where they don't normally belong ie. in the way of my toes. So I've been hobbling around getting annoyed at how it takes twice as long to do anything. Good thing I'm on holidays but it's back to work on Monday... crap...

So... what's everybody doing in March/April? Went to Flight Centre today to check out flights etc for my little trip and it's not going to be as expensive as I thought so I'm seriously, seriously considering it not just toying with the idea. I've been checking out the weather sites so that I can work out what to pack as I'm coming from summer to winter so that's gonna be interesting. Looks like it's still gonna be relatively cold in Canada/US while it's about the same as it is here in Abu Dhabi. So the tentative plan so far is to go to Abu Dhabi for a few days then head to Canada then cross the border and check out the US for a day or two then home James. Been surfing around to see what to do while I'm out and about so any suggestions on places to see and things to do welcome!

Starting to get those butterflies of excitement! Can't wait!

Merry Christmas!

2007-12-25T16:48:00.000+11:00

Merry Christmas to you and your families. Hope you all have a great holiday!

Hey guess what????

2007-12-13T20:13:00.000+11:00

I'm annoyed! yes I know!! shock, horror right? bit of a change for me, right? *sigh* Why am I annoyed you ask, allow me to count the ways....

1. A minor annoyance but I've succumbed to the siren song that is Facebook. I tried to resist. Really I did.

2. Have I mentioned the morons that I work with lately? Need I go there really? (actually I wish I could without the fear of being dooced)

3. I hate doing backflips (not physically cuz as IF) and even more than that I hate being forced to do backflips by the powers that be... makes me feel dumb, incompetant and foolish. 3 things I know I'm not. Fuckin pricks...

4. Fricking Blogger won't let me load up my video blog. Well dunno if it's Blogger per se but sat here for 40 mins while it looked like it was doing it's thing but... as you can see... no video post. I'll keep trying.

Good things from today:

1. finally got an email from Benji, YAY! but looks like he's not coming home for Xmas, Boo! So I'm definately going travelling to UAE and Canada in March/April, YAY! So it's official.... TG coming to a town near you!

Okay I feel better now... off to play in facebook... *sigh* I really have been suckered in...

He loves me, he loves me somethingorather.....

2007-12-04T18:23:00.000+11:00

Well went on a little coffee date with the boy from work on Friday and he really is a boy. Found out he's 24. Not that age really makes a difference to me in the grand scheme of things (I've gone out with younger) but he's a young 24 and that just makes me feel old. He was 9 when I was 18... I couldn't help feeling a little disappointed by it all afterwards but it's my own damn fault for building it up in my head the way I did (I'm good at that...). I think I wanted it to be something it turned out it wasn't, wishful thinking really. Don't get me wrong, we had a really awesome time and he's really fun to hang out with and a sweet guy (who has manners even!) but it's a no from me.

Mainly because the whole experience (and resulting introspective weekend) has made me realise that I still do hold a massively huge torch for Benji, as sad as that is, and that he's what I want. He's the ideal, the one that I measure other guys against. If I could list every single thing that I look for in a guy, he's it. Down to even the 'wish list' stuff, that's him to a T. It just doesn't help me that he's in fucking Abu Dhabi... I'm really hoping that he's going to come home for Xmas because if he does I'm going to make a move because I've either got to move on or move towards him. I'd move there if he asked me... Unfortunately for me he hasn't an inkling about how I feel which makes the whole situation even more tragic.

I've been reading "The Haunting of Hill House" and there's a line that struck me between the eyes:

"Journeys end in lovers meeting"

Again, me with the reading into things but that line has been reverberating around in my skull. I've been writing to you about this experience that I've been going through this year and the Blogger label has been The Journey because that's what it has been for me. And I'm coming to the end of this years journey, a journey that's seen a massive monumental shift in mental and physical weight for me (51kgs to date). A journey that has brought me to a place where I have come to terms with my past and the fuckheads contained therein and I'm moving forward, and now I want to move forward with someone and feel mentally and physically able to do so. So I'm putting it out to the Universe that he'll come home for Xmas so that I can get that line out of my head and move in one direction or another. Please Universe, do this for me.

Would it be crazy to stop over there on a little vacay for a few days? I've been seriously toying with the idea of stopping in on my way to europe (maybe with a stopover in Canada/US to meet some bloggers?) I've got the money and I've got the vacay days... I just think it reeks of desperation. If he doesn't come home I think that I need to do something drastic to either know one way or another otherwise I'm just never going to be able to move in either direction and will drive myself crazy with the circular tangent. And I've always been one to go out and get what I want, well mostly ;} Expensive way to win a guy huh? I think he's worth it.

Other than all of that I've had two very nice reconnections today. My friend Nuck is back in town for a brief visit and he tells me that he's engaged to the lovely Kyles. I couldn't be happier as they're two of the nicest people on the planet. They're currently based in Canada so I could conveniently visit them too if I'm out that way...

And the other blast from the past was from someone I've found myself thinking about a lot lately. She's a bit of an old soul and awesome to talk to. A mutual friend caught up with her on the weekend and passed on my number. I hope she calls because it would be nice to reconnect but if she doesn't do it soon I'm going to seek her out as I think there's a reason she's coming back into my life at this precise moment when I need guidance. Nice to reconnect with both of them actually. Old friends, new again. Nice :]

And I know I've been promising a video blog (and I type to you now on the beautiful Cherry-Oh, yep I've fully migrated) and it's coming... I promise ;}. Real life is just getting in the way.

2007-11-27T20:50:00.000+11:00

It's official. He likes me.

wowsers.

Flirtayshun

2007-11-26T20:52:00.000+11:00

It's been a weird sort of day today. I've had two extreme compliments from the top two bosses telling me how valued I am in this organisation. Wonder if they smell something on the air...

And hmmmm an interesting turn of events today. So let me just start with a little background first. I have a secret power that has been getting stronger and I need to be careful about using it. I can make things happen. I keep freaking Chip out with it which makes me laugh but I'm seriously going to have to be careful. Some recent examples... I sat down with my (then) boss and she says to me "so where do you want to be, what's your vision" so I laid it out, specifically, what I wanted. At the time I was couching it in terms of this is where I want it all to be in a years time. Three days later in an unforseen turn of events it all happens exactly as I'd laid it out. I couldn't have even engineered it to work the way it did.

example two. I discover that we need product xy needed to make product z work and I should have ordered it 3 orders ago. If we order product xy separately I'm going to have to pay for it out of my sections budget. I say to Chip "Right, I'm putting it out to the Universe now that someone will make an order for product z so that I can slip in product xy tomorrow. They will make an order tomorrow" Tomorrow arrives and I have in the morning I have a message on my voicemail from a client saying "oh hi, just wondering if you can give me some pricing on product z because I need to make an order?" Bingo!

So you get the point. I voice what I want and make it happen. You'll recall that I recently made 3 birthday wishes. New job, new boyfriend, new friends.

Well you know the story bout the job (still haven't heard from them by the way but I will. And of course I'll let you know when I start ;})

New boyfriend.... well there's been a little flirtation that I haven't been telling you about. Someone I see every day at work has been having little flirty chats with me. And it's pointed because people have started commenting on it in that he only talks to me and not to the two Hottie McHothots that I work with. No problemo, he's cute, he's funny, awesome occupation. No problemo. I've been finding myself thinking about him when I'm at home and just... daydreaming, y'know. So I sourced some inside intel on him on friday and found out that he had a girlfriend. Not only that but she's the daughter of someone at work. OK. Problemo. Oh well, I thought, too bad. Too bad for him! So I moved on to the weekend and tried not to feed that
little seed of disappointment that was there.

So fast forward to today (monday). I had a chat about him with Chip in the morning and offhandedly say to her "he should ditch his girlfriend, he doesn't need her when he could have me"... So fast forward to lunch. I head down to where he is testing somethingorather and I ask him how his day was going...

"mmmm okay" he says and he makes a face.

"well it is Monday, it can only get better from here" I tell him.

"Not when you're breaking up with your girlfriend" he replies.

ooooohkaaaayyyyyyyyy.....(!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

I told him I was sorry to hear that (I'm not) and my condolences blah blah and moved the conversation along to other topics til I had to go.

So my mind's awhirl with too many questions. So he's breaking up with his girlfriend eh? Wonder why? What prompted that? And why now (apart from full moon madness)? Why did he feel the need to tell me that when he hadn't even told me he had a girlfriend in the first place?

And now I've got those delicious butterflies of anticipation. I'd forgotten how nice it feels. Even if nothing happens it's nice to feel like this again.

and the new friends can be found via new employment and new boyfriend n'est pas? ;}

Can you say dumbass?

2007-11-20T19:52:00.000+11:00

So I spent most of the weekend talking myself in and out of this job. Not that I actually have an interview for it, but I know I will get one ;} , hell who wouldn't want to employ me! I can give you a massive list of the reasons why I should stay or why I should go but I won't bore you. Pretty dumb if you ask me but of course I can't help tormenting myself with that crap...

Good news though, my new laptop arrived yesterday so I promptly took the afternoon off to uninstall almost 2GBs of junk it comes preloaded with and spent some quality time reloading all the good shite (aka porn) and pix etc etc. AND not only is it a sexy cherry red satin finish but it comes with a webcam in the frame... didn't even know that so that was a fun surprise. It's got all sorts of neat special effects etc so you know what that means... video blog this week. Yep this is your official warning... (except those people that I'll email of course) but for the rest of you... I'll be posting it for 24 hours only. Cuz I'm a chicken. So bite me.

I did it!!!!!!!!!! boy did I do it.....

2007-11-16T18:34:00.000+11:00

I finally managed to get my head around that stoopid selection criteria yesterday (the day it was due) so I rang up the organisation and asked for an extension which they granted me til next week. I thought I'd show a bit of commitment and dedication and get it in today. So slaved away last night and tweaked it today, tweaked my resume and cover letter and tizzed it all up. It was looking pretty good and I was feeling pretty pleased with myself. So with baited breath I hit the Send button and sent that baby winging it's way through the cosmos and sat back in my chair happy, scared and exhilarated. I'd done it! Cool bananas!

Driving home, kinda riding on a scared high. Not quite believing that I'd done it. But yes, yes I have. Could mean a whole new start to things, maybe just the kickstart I need?

Get home, fire up the laptop and my mouse happens to catch the time in the toolbar and the little mouseover pops up the date. Friday 16 November 2007. 16 November... not 15 November as I'd put in my fucking application. Fuck fucking fuck x 1000000. Dammit dammit dammit. I'd fucking checked that half a dozen times on my desk calendar... which was still fucking set to Thursday AAARRRGGGGHHHH!!!!!!! Not much I can do about it now but I can't stop kicking myself... so much for that keen eye for detail I'd boasted about. Fuck.

Just hope they don't have a keen eye for detail...

AAAAAAAAARRRRRRRGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2007-11-13T20:27:00.000+11:00

I really am fucking tormented today....

this frickin application.... I dunno whether I've just gotten super dumb since the last time I did one of these things or what. The thing that shits me is that if the Selection Criteria was based on the actual role profile I would not have a problem. But how the fuck do you address a criteria that says "Commits to action" whilst trying to couch it in terms of the role profile. I just don't have any words and nothing is coming through. As you know I'm not usually lost for words but this has really stumped me. I really don't think I can do it in time. It's quite upsetting because I really could piss this job in if only I could get my head around this warped fucking fuck of a selection criteria.

I've even turned off the TV to try and focus on this stoopid thing (yeah I KNOW!!)

And yes I'm procrastinating...

But it's only because I was contacted by a very nice young man on the internet dating site I recently joined (gotta be in the game to win it). Hopefully he will actually email me cuz he seems pretty cool. I'll keep ya posted...

fuck I don't know what to do about this poncey application.

dammit dammit dammit

Fuck a duck!

2007-11-12T20:14:00.000+11:00

Well I found a coupla jobs I want to apply for and maaaan... I haven't done Selection Criteria for a while and this is fucking hard! They have all this fluffy stuff you have to address which does not directly relate to the role duties, such as "Supports shared purpose and direction" or "Applies and builds professional expertise" or "Engages with risk and shows personal courage". Bloody hell... how the fuck to I address that? It states "Applicants should frame their applications against the selection criteria outlined below, taking into consideration the duties as well as the capabilites and information provided in the employment description"

fuck a duck

It's only been 5 years since I last did one of these and it was nowhere near anything like this. When did it suddenly get all tricky like this?

fuck fucking fuck.

And it's a cool job too, one I could piss in if I could only think up any sort of semblance of words to put on this blank paper....

*sigh*

As you can tell I'm procrastinating just a tad because I've managed to do just about anything but focus on this application... and it's due on the 15th... as in 3 days away... *sigh*

why why why?

Oh and I had real food for my birthday... I've never had food that was so close to orgasmic as that. Mmmmmm SO good! Probably helps that I haven't had a meal like that in 8 months but boyoboy was it good. Smoked trout mousse wrapped in smoked salmon with shreded cucumber raita and somethingorather bread for entree then Asian spiced crispy duck breast with potato rosti and asian greens for main and then home for my mum's hazelnut cake which is light as light can be but drowned in cream, strawberries and raspberries... I had two slices... AND champagne. Soooooooo good! Had a massive stomach ache all night and half the next day but it was SO worth it. Can't wait for Xmas now ;} mmmm fooooood....

More on my bday next time... gotta stop procrastinating.... somehow....

Hoppy birdy two ewes

2007-11-08T19:46:00.000+11:00

Well it's the eve of my birthday so time for a little reflection on the past year. Firstly I was wrong about my year cycle last year. I was in a year one this year not a year 5. I calculated it wrong. And boy does it make some sense now (click here to read what a numerological year 1 is all about) . This year I've shifted a lot of weight, both physically and mentally. I've let go of a lot and hopefully made room for new things to come in. The main theme this year was governed by the phrase "It is not easy to eliminate a dependency if you don’t know its emotional cause. Knowing the emotional reason for a dependency makes it much easier to understand and leave behind." and I've discovered quite a lot about myself by attempting that.

Interestingly there is a new moon on my birthday. New moons are a great time for manifesting new things to come into your life. So for my birthday wish for the next year I wish for three things:

1) a boyfriend
2) good friends
3) a new job

Those three things are the key to my happiness at the moment. It's pretty simple really:

1) I need to love and be loved
2) I need more fun and laughter in my life and have someone I can ring when I need to talk.
3) this one is a tricky one as it comes with a lot of guilt, sadness and fear. I've been with the same company for 10 years but today I decided that it's time for a change. I looked at the employment pages and was actually excited by the prospects. I'll be really sad to leave as I know just about everyone in the organisation and it really is a great place to work despite all the shitola that's been going on. Not to blow my own horn but they're going to be in trouble when I leave which gives me the guilts. I know I'm not irreplaceable but there is a lot of corporate knowledge in my head which will leave them in the lurch. And good luck to my replacement for reasons I can't explain for the dooce factor. I'll be breaking out of my comfort zone and that's always scary but at the same time exhilarating.

All in all I'm excited by the coming year and what feels like a fresh start, bring on Year 2. I received this in my inbox today and it kinds sums it all up for me:

> This is one of the big power portals of the solar year, the
> mid-point between the September Equinox and December Solstice, a
> bubbling cauldron of possibilities fueled by Scorpio's promise of
> transcendence. Death. Communion. Rebirth. The phoenix rises from the
> ashes of its former self. We are reborn with the Scorpio New Moon on
> November 9.

And because I love it so much I'll leave you with my birthday toad. That was me last year but this year, not so much. Hoppy birdy to me and I love you all.

how sweet it is....

2007-11-05T19:05:00.000+11:00

Sweet revenge is having your bastard ex's eyes pop out of his face at your new and improved hottiness knowing it ain't never gonna be his EVER again. And I'm not usually a revenge kinda gal but that was a sweeeet satifying moment. Like A LOT. Suck shit asshole mwahahahaaa!

This body and mind changing journey that I've been on this year has been such a rollercoaster. It's weird to think that it's been 8 months already. Time sure has flown this year. I've now cracked one of my major weight goals (under 100kg (96 to be precise) - don't forget that I'm 6' tall please) so that's a total weight loss of 46kgs (101 pounds for you backwards type) so far. That's a small fricken child! I've lost 113 cms in total and 4-5 dress sizes depending on brand and shop. Apart from the physical weight shift I've had a bit of a mental weight shift while I was at it.

I've done away with a lot of the old thought patterns, added some good new ones. I've grown up a little more this year, I still wouldn't stretch it to call m'self mature because I don't ever want to be a mature person because that equals fuddyduddy to me. I'm still not totally there with the mind stuff but I'm working on that. And that's a whole other post that I've been brewing in the wings. Just need to catch up with some other stuff first.

It's been interesting to see how differently I'm treated now that I'm thinner and have rediscovered my inner hottie. Disappointing in some ways that people who wouldn't give me the time of day, now do. I don't know if it's because I'm the talk of my office or have some sort of new celebrity status? I get 3-4 people a day tell me how great I'm looking and what am I doing blah blah which was nice at first but I'm a bit over it now. Me being me, I'll still have a chat and whatnot but I'd rather not be told I'm the Amazing Shrinking Woman like it's the first time I've heard it. But the lesson in all of this hooha is learning how to take compliments which I've never been comfortable with before. Smile and say thanks even if you don't agree with it on the inside. I'm finding that it's more about the other person in that it's funny how people feel the need to comment.

I've found that people have started seeing me again. When I was large I was practically invisible. I could go out in public and people just wouldn't see me (which is interesting considering I was so big and am so tall), but people would basically see right through me. Now I notice that I get looked at rather than looked through when I'm out and about.

One of the things I wish we celebrated here in Oz is Halloween. I grew up having Halloween every year but it's just not the done thing here. I'm not entirely sure why because it's an awesome day. Anyhoo I did my own thing to celebrate (click to enlarge):

Cute huh?

And I've been naughty... I bought myself another birthday present... a new laptop. Go the spending spree eh? I blame Sooty. My current laptop hard drive is only 80GB and cuz you need to have your files on the 'puter to sync then to the iPod I need a bigger hard drive... despite the fact that my external hard drive is already full (damn that porn) I thought it would be better in the long run if I gots me a new ~~porn machine~~ laptop. I've already sold this one so I'm justifying it that way. So :P

And I've decided to do a video blog for y'all but it's going to be a blink or you'll miss it post. I'll post it for a whole 24 hours then take it down. Otherwise I'm going to have a cardiac about it and I do want to do a little video (no, not that kind Cheese). I'll email my regular readers to notify you three when it goes up so you don't miss it. Anyone else that stumbles across it will just be a lucky bugger.

And now for another revealing moment... no pun intended. Behold my before and now pics...

Yay me.

Hope you weren't eating ;}

me me me, duh!

2007-10-30T20:49:00.000+11:00

Coupla things because of course real life is getting in the way as usual....

In the quest for happiness I've pilfered a coupla ebooks from a friend of mine and am currently reading "How to make anyone fall in love with you" and "100 Action principles".... interesting to say the least. Some stuff I knew some stuff I didn't. Happy to share it with other tormented folks out there, just email me.

And with the impending anniversary of my birth approaching next week (9/11 so no one can forget) I bought my big prezzie to myself (last year it was the camera, previous year the laptop (aka porn machine)) a little early ... yep I've succumbed to the siren song (harhar) of the iPod. I splurged on the 80GB classic (yet to be named, it's black so I'm leaning towards Jet or Sooty) so I've been having fun loading all my cds and mp3s and I've cracked the 20GB mark already and I've only loaded half of my cd collection. And damn that iTunes thing is smart! It recognises burnt cds and bootleg recordings that I really didn't expect it to return track results for. Did manage to stump it on a burnt copy of Powderfinger's Parables for Wooden ears (a must for anyone's collection by the way. AWESOME cd that one). Fiddled around with videos tonight trying to convert the blasted things to play on Jet and found a half decent free format converter but for some reason it doesn't always play on Sooty even though I can see it clearly in iTunes. Oh well, trust me, I'll work it out.

Yeah nah I like Sooty better than Jet. Sooty it is. Pics to follow later ;}

And now that blogger has added the little icon for Add Video I'm tempted to do a little video blog... for someone who is trying to remain anonymous it's a tad incongruous but I think it'd be mad. We'll see, your opinions welcome of course.

Really fucking brilliant

2007-10-23T19:27:00.000+10:00

Am perculating another post so this should keep you busy in the meantime:

http://www.tnr.com/docprint.mhtml?i=20071008&s=pinker100807

I'll be back in a jiffy.

UPDATE:
Not entirely sure why but the doco has been removed from the above link so for those of you who didn't manage to access the document, see below (with a language warning for you sensitive folks)

WHY WE CURSE.
What the F***?
by Steven Pinker
Post date: 10.09.07
Issue date: 10.08.07

Fucking became the subject of congressional debate in 2003, after NBC broadcast the Golden Globe Awards. Bono, lead singer of the mega-band U2, was accepting a prize on behalf of the group and in his euphoria exclaimed, "This is really, really, fucking brilliant" on the air. The Federal Communications Commission (FCC), which is charged with monitoring the nation's airwaves for indecency, decided somewhat surprisingly not to sanction the network for failing to bleep out the word. Explaining its decision, the FCC noted that its guidelines define "indecency" as "material that describes or depicts sexual or excretory organs or activities" and Bono had used fucking as "an adjective or expletive to emphasize an exclamation."Cultural conservatives were outraged. California Representative Doug Ose tried to close the loophole in the FCC's regulations with the filthiest piece of legislation ever considered by Congress. Had it passed, the Clean Airwaves Act would have forbade from broadcast

the words "shit", "piss", "fuck", "cunt", "asshole", and the phrases "cock sucker", "mother fucker", and "ass hole", compound use (including hyphenated compounds) of such words and phrases with each other or with other words or phrases, and other grammatical forms of such words and phrases (including verb, adjective, gerund, participle, and infinitive forms).

The episode highlights one of the many paradoxes that surround swearing. When it comes to political speech, we are living in a free-speech utopia. Late-night comedians can say rude things about their nation's leaders that, in previous centuries, would have led to their tongues being cut out or worse. Yet, when it comes to certain words for copulation and excretion, we still allow the might of the government to bear down on what people can say in public. Swearing raises many other puzzles--linguistic, neurobiological, literary, political.

The first is the bone of contention in the Bono brouhaha: the syntactic classification of curse words. Ose's grammatically illiterate bill not only misspelled cocksucker, motherfucker, and asshole, and misidentified them as "phrases," it didn't even close the loophole that it had targeted. The Clean Airwaves Act assumed that fucking is a participial adjective. But this is not correct. With a true adjective like lazy, you can alternate between Drown the lazy cat and Drown the cat which is lazy. But Drown the fucking cat is certainly not interchangeable with Drown the cat which is fucking.

If the fucking in fucking brilliant is to be assigned a traditional part of speech, it would be adverb, because it modifies an adjective and only adverbs can do that, as in truly bad, very nice, and really big. Yet "adverb" is the one grammatical category that Ose forgot to include in his list! As it happens, most expletives aren't genuine adverbs, either. One study notes that, while you can say That's too fucking bad, you can't say That's too very bad. Also, as linguist Geoffrey Nunberg pointed out, while you can imagine the dialogue How brilliant was it? Very, you would never hear the dialogue How brilliant was it? Fucking.

The FCC's decision raises another mystery about swearing: the bizarre number of different ways in which we swear. There is cathartic swearing, as when we slice our thumb along with the bagel. There are imprecations, as when we offer advice to someone who has cut us off in traffic. There are vulgar terms for everyday things and activities, as when Bess Truman was asked to get the president to say fertilizer instead of manure and she replied, "You have no idea how long it took me to get him to say manure." There are figures of speech that put obscene words to other uses, such as the barnyard epithet for insincerity, the army acronym snafu, and the gynecological-flagellative term for uxorial dominance. And then there are the adjective-like expletives that salt the speech and split the words of soldiers, teenagers, and Irish rock-stars.

But perhaps the greatest mystery is why politicians, editors, and much of the public care so much. Clearly, the fear and loathing are not triggered by the concepts themselves, because the organs and activities they name have hundreds of polite synonyms. Nor are they triggered by the words' sounds, since many of them have respectable homonyms in names for animals, actions, and even people. Many people feel that profanity is self-evidently corrupting, especially to the young. This claim is made despite the fact that everyone is familiar with the words, including most children, and that no one has ever spelled out how the mere hearing of a word could corrupt one's morals.

Progressive writers have pointed to this gap to argue that linguistic taboos are absurd. A true moralist, they say, should hold that violence and inequality are "obscene," not sex and excretion. And yet, since the 1970s, many progressives have imposed linguistic taboos of their own, such as the stigma surrounding the N-word and casual allusions to sexual desire or sexual attractiveness. So even people who revile the usual bluenoses can become gravely offended by their own conception of bad language. The question is, why?

THE STRANGE EMOTIONAL power of swearing--as well as the presence of linguistic taboos in all cultures-- suggests that taboo words tap into deep and ancient parts of the brain. In general, words have not just a denotation but a connotation: an emotional coloring distinct from what the word literally refers to, as in principled versus stubborn and slender versus scrawny. The difference between a taboo word and its genteel synonyms, such as shit and feces, cunt and vagina, or fucking and making love, is an extreme example of the distinction. Curses provoke a different response than their synonyms in part because connotations and denotations are stored in different parts of the brain.The mammalian brain contains, among other things, the limbic system, an ancient network that regulates motivation and emotion, and the neocortex, the crinkled surface of the brain that ballooned in human evolution and which is the seat of perception, knowledge, reason, and planning. The two systems are interconnected and work together, but it seems likely that words' denotations are concentrated in the neocortex, especially in the left hemisphere, whereas their connotations are spread across connections between the neocortex and the limbic system, especially in the right hemisphere.

A likely suspect within the limbic system is the amygdala, an almond-shaped organ buried at the front of the temporal lobe of the brain (one on each side) that helps invest memories with emotion. A monkey whose amygdalas have been removed can learn to recognize a new shape, like a striped triangle, but has trouble learning that the shape foreshadows an unpleasant event like an electric shock. In humans, the amygdala "lights up"--it shows greater metabolic activity in brain scans--when the person sees an angry face or an unpleasant word, especially a taboo word.

The response is not only emotional but involuntary. It's not just that we don't have earlids to shut out unwanted sounds. Once a word is seen or heard, we are incapable of treating it as a squiggle or noise; we reflexively look it up in memory and respond to its meaning, including its connotation. The classic demonstration is the Stroop effect, found in every introductory psychology textbook and the topic of more than four thousand scientific papers. People are asked to look through a list of letter strings and to say aloud the color of the ink in which each one is printed. Try it with this list, saying "red," "blue," or "green" for each item in turn from left to right:

red blue green blue green red

Easy. But this is much, much, harder:

red blue green blue green red

The reason is that, among literate adults, reading a word is such an over-learned skill that it has become mandatory: You can't will the process "off," even when you don't want to read the words but only pay attention to the ink. That's why you're helped along when the experimenters arrange the ink into a word that also names its color and slowed down when they arrange it into a name for a different color. A similar thing happens with spoken words as well.

Now try naming the color of the ink in each of these words:

cunt shit fuck tits piss asshole

The psychologist Don MacKay has done the experiment and found that people are indeed slowed down by an involuntary boggle as soon as the eyes alight on each word. The upshot is that a speaker or writer can use a taboo word to evoke an emotional response in an audience quite against their wishes. Thanks to the automatic nature of speech perception, an expletive kidnaps our attention and forces us to consider its unpleasant connotations. That makes all of us vulnerable to a mental assault whenever we are in earshot of other speakers, as if we were strapped to a chair and could be given a punch or a shock at any time. And this, in turn, raises the question of what kinds of concepts have the sort of unpleasant emotional charge that can make words for them taboo.

THE HISTORICAL ROOT of swearing in English and many other languages is, oddly enough, religion. We see this in the Third Commandment, in the popularity of hell, damn, God, and Jesus Christ as expletives, and in many of the terms for taboo language itself: profanity (that which is not sacred), blasphemy (literally "evil speech" but, in practice, disrespect toward a deity), and swearing, cursing, and oaths, which originally were secured by the invocation of a deity or one of his symbols.In English-speaking countries today, religious swearing barely raises an eyebrow. Gone with the wind are the days when people could be titillated by a character in a movie saying "Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn." If a character today is offended by such language, it's only to depict him as an old-fashioned prude. The defanging of religious taboo words is an obvious consequence of the secularization of Western culture. As G. K. Chesterton remarked, "Blasphemy itself could not survive religion; if anyone doubts that, let him try to blaspheme Odin." To understand religious vulgarity, then, we have to put ourselves in the shoes of our linguistic ancestors, to whom God and Hell were a real presence.

Say you need to make a promise. You may want to borrow money, and so must promise to return it. Why should the promisee believe you, knowing that it may be to your advantage to renege? The answer is that you should submit to a contingency that would impose a penalty on you if you did renege, ideally one so certain and severe that you would always do better to keep the promise than to back out. That way, your partner no longer has to take you at your word; he can rely on your self-interest. Nowadays, we secure our promises with legal contracts that make us liable if we back out. We mortgage our house, giving the bank permission to repossess it if we fail to repay the loan. But, before we could count on a commercial and legal apparatus to enforce our contracts, we had to do our own self-handicapping. Children still bind their oaths by saying, "I hope to die if I tell a lie." Adults used to do the same by invoking the wrath of God, as in May God strike me dead if I'm lying and variations like As God is my witness, Blow me down!, and God blind me!--the source of the British blimey.

Such oaths, of course, would have been more credible in an era in which people thought that God listened to their entreaties and had the power to carry them out. Even today, witnesses in U.S. court proceedings have to swear on the Bible, as if an act of perjury undetected by the legal system would be punished by an eavesdropping and easily offended God. But, even if these oaths aren't seen as literally having the power to bring down divine penalties for noncompliance, they signal a distinction between everyday assurances on minor favors and solemn pledges on weightier matters. Today, the emotional power of religious swearing may have dimmed, but the psychology behind it is still with us. Even a parent without an inkling of superstition would not say "I swear on the life of my child" lightly. The mere thought of murdering one's child for ulterior gain is not just unpleasant; it should be unthinkable if one is a true parent, and every neuron of one's brain should be programmed against it.

This literal unthinkability is the basis of the psychology of taboo in general, and it is the mindset that is tapped in swearing on something sacred, whether it be a religious trapping or a child's life. And, thanks to the automatic nature of speech processing, the same sacred words that consecrate promises--the oath-binding sense of "swearing"--may be used to attract attention, to shock, or to inflict psychic pain on a listener--the dirty-word sense of "swearing."

AS SECULARIZATION has rendered religious swear words less powerful, creative speakers have replaced them with words that have the same degree of affective clout according to the sensibilities of the day. This explains why taboo expressions can have such baffling syntax and semantics. To take just one example, why do people use the ungrammatical Fuck you? And why does no one have a clear sense of what, exactly, Fuck you means? (Some people guess "fuck yourself," others "get fucked," and still others "I will fuck you," but none of these hunches is compelling.) The most likely explanation is that these grammatically baffling curses originated in more intelligible religious curses during the transition from religious to sexual and scatological swearing in English-speaking countries:

Who (in) the hell are you? >> Who the fuck are you?

I don't give a damn >> I don't give a fuck; I don't give a shit.

Holy Mary! >> Holy shit! Holy fuck!

For God's sake >> For fuck's sake; For shit's sake.

Damn you! >> Fuck you!

Of course, this transmutation raises the question of why words for these particular concepts stepped into the breach--why, for example, words for bodily effluvia and their orifices and acts of excretion became taboo. Shit, piss, and asshole, to name but a few, are still unspeakable on network television and unprintable in most newspapers. The New York Times, for example, identified a best-seller by the philosopher Harry Frankfurt as On Bull****.

On the whole, the acceptability of taboo words is only loosely tied to the acceptability of what they refer to, but, in the case of taboo terms for effluvia, the correlation is fairly good. The linguists Keith Allan and Kate Burridge have noted that shit is less acceptable than piss, which in turn is less acceptable than fart, which is less acceptable than snot, which is less acceptable than spit (which is not taboo at all). That's the same order as the acceptability of eliminating these substances from the body in public. Effluvia have such an emotional charge that they figure prominently in voodoo, sorcery, and other kinds of sympathetic magic in many of the world's cultures. The big deal that people ordinarily make out of effluvia--both the words and the substances--has puzzled many observers. After all, we are incarnate beings, and excretion is an inescapable part of human life.

The biologists Valerie Curtis and Adam Biran identify the reason. It can't be a coincidence, they note, that the most disgusting substances are also the most dangerous vectors for disease. Feces is a route of transmission for the viruses, bacteria, and protozoans that cause at least 20 intestinal diseases, as well as ascariasis, hepatitis A and E, polio, ameobiasis, hookworm, pinworm, whipworm, cholera, and tetanus. Blood, vomit, mucus, pus, and sexual fluids are also good vehicles for pathogens to get from one body into another. Although the strongest component of the disgust reaction is a desire not to eat or touch the offending substance, it's also disgusting to think about effluvia, together with the body parts and activities that excrete them. And, because of the involuntariness of speech perception, it's unpleasant to hear the words for them.

Some people have been puzzled about why cunt should be taboo. It is not just an unprintable word for the vagina but the most offensive epithet for a woman in America. One might have thought that, in the male-dominated world of swearing, the vagina would be revered, not reviled. After all, it's been said that no sooner does a boy come out of it than he spends the rest of his life trying to get back in. This becomes less mysterious if one imagines the connotations in an age before tampons, toilet paper, regular bathing, and antifungal drugs.

THE OTHER MAJOR source of taboo words is sexuality. Since the 1960s, many progressive thinkers have found these taboos to be utterly risible. Sex is a source of mutual pleasure, they reason, and should be cleansed of stigma and shame. Prudery about sexual language could only be a superstition, an anachronism, perhaps a product of spite, as in H. L. Mencken's definition of puritanism as "the haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy."The comedian Lenny Bruce was puzzled by our most common sexual imprecation. In a monologue reproduced in the biopic Lenny, he riffs:

What's the worst thing you can say to anybody? "Fuck you, Mister." It's really weird, because, if I really wanted to hurt you, I should say "Unfuck you, Mister." Because "Fuck you" is really nice! "Hello, Ma, it's me. Yeah, I just got back. Aw, fuck you, Ma! Sure, I mean it. Is Pop there? Aw, fuck you, Pop!"

Part of the puzzlement comes from the strange syntax of Fuck you (which, as we saw, does not in fact mean "Have sex"). But it also comes from a modern myopia for how incendiary sexuality can be in the full sweep of human experience.

Consider two consenting adults who have just had sex. Has everyone had fun? Not necessarily. One partner might see the act as the beginning of a lifelong relationship, the other as a one-night-stand. One may be infecting the other with a disease. A baby may have been conceived, whose welfare was not planned for in the heat of passion. If the couple is related, the baby may inherit two copies of a deleterious recessive gene and be susceptible to a genetic defect. There may be romantic rivals in the wings who would be enraged with jealousy if they found out, or a cuckolded husband in danger of raising another man's child, or a two-timed wife in danger of losing support for her own children. Parents may have marriage plans for one of the participants, involving large sums of money or an important alliance with another clan. And, on other occasions, the participants may not both be adults, or may not both be consenting.

Sex has high stakes, including exploitation, disease, illegitimacy, incest, jealousy, spousal abuse, cuckoldry, desertion, feuding, child abuse, and rape. These hazards have been around for a long time and have left their mark on our customs and our emotions. Thoughts about sex are likely to be fraught, and not entertained lightly. Words for sex can be even more touchy, because they not only evoke the charged thoughts but implicate a sharing of those thoughts between two people. The thoughts, moreover, are shared "on the record," each party knowing that the other knows that he or she has been thinking about the sex under discussion. This lack of plausible deniability embroils the dialogue in an extra layer of intrigue.

Evolutionary psychology has laid out the conflicts of interest that are inherent to human sexuality, and some of these conflicts play themselves out in the linguistic arena. Plain speaking about sex conveys an attitude that sex is a casual matter, like tennis or philately, and so it may seem to the partners at the time. But the long-term implications may be more keenly felt by a wider circle of interested parties. Parents and other senior kin may be concerned with the thwarting of their own plans for the family lineage, and the community may take an interest in the illegitimate children appearing in their midst and in the posturing and competition, sometimes violent, that can accompany sexual freedom. The ideal of sex as a sacred communion between a monogamous couple may be old-fashioned and even unrealistic, but it sure is convenient for the elders of a family and a society. It's not surprising to find tensions between individuals and guardians of the community over casual talk about sex (accompanied by hypocrisy among the guardians when it comes to their own casual sex).

Another sexual conflict of interest divides men from women. In every act of reproduction, females are committed to long stretches of pregnancy and lactation, while males can get away with a few minutes of copulation. A male can have more progeny if he mates with many females, whereas a female will not have more progeny if she mates with many males--though her offspring will do better if she has chosen a mate who is willing to invest in them or can endow them with good genes. Not surprisingly, in all cultures men pursue sex more eagerly, are more willing to have casual sex, and are more likely to seduce, deceive, or coerce to get sex. All things being equal, casual sex works to the advantage of men, both genetically and emotionally. We might expect casual talk about sex to show the same asymmetry, and so it does. Men swear more, on average, and many taboo sexual terms are felt to be especially demeaning to women-- hence the old prohibition of swearing "in mixed company."

A sex difference in tolerance for sexual language may seem like a throwback to Victorian daintiness. But an unanticipated consequence of the second wave of feminism in the 1970s was a revived sense of offense at swearing, the linguistic companion to the campaign against pornography. As a result, many universities and businesses have published guidelines on sexual harassment that ban telling sexual jokes, and, in 1993, veteran Boston Globe journalist David Nyhan was forced to apologize and donate $1,250 to a women's organization when a female staffer overheard him in the newsroom using the word pussy-whipped with a male colleague who declined his invitation to play basketball after work. The feminist writer Andrea Dworkin explicitly connected coarse sexual language to the oppression of women: "Fucking requires that the male act on one who has less power and this valuation is so deep, so completely implicit in the act, that the one who is fucked is stigmatized."

Though people are seeing, talking about, and having sex more readily today than they did in the past, the topic is still not free of taboo. Most people still don't copulate in public, swap spouses at the end of a dinner party, have sex with their siblings and children, or openly trade favors for sex. Even after the sexual revolution, we have a long way to go before "exploring our sexuality" to the fullest, and that means that people still set up barriers in their minds to block certain trains of thought. The language of sex can tug at those barriers.

WHICH BRINGS US back to fucking--Bono's fucking, that is. Does a deeper understanding of the history, psychology, and neurobiology of swearing give us any basis for deciding among the prohibitions in the Clean Airwaves Act, the hairsplitting of the FCC, and the libertinism of a Lenny Bruce?When it comes to policy and law, it seems to me that free speech is the bedrock of democracy and that it is not among the legitimate functions of government to punish people who use certain vocabulary items or allow others to use them. On the other hand, private media have the prerogative of enforcing a house style, driven by standards of taste and the demands of the market, that excludes words their audience doesn't enjoy hearing. In other words, if an entertainer says fucking brilliant, it's none of the government's business; but, if some people would rather not explain to their young children what a blow job is, there should be television channels that don't force them to.

What about decisions in the private sphere? Are there guidelines that can inform our personal and institutional judgments about when to discourage, tolerate, and even welcome profanity? Here are some thoughts.

Language has often been called a weapon, and people should be mindful about where to aim it and when to fire. The common denominator of taboo words is the act of forcing a disagreeable thought on someone, and it's worth considering how often one really wants one's audience to be reminded of excrement, urine, and exploitative sex. Even in its mildest form, intended only to keep the listener's attention, the lazy use of profanity can feel like a series of jabs in the ribs. They are annoying to the listener and a confession by the speaker that he can think of no other way to make his words worth attending to. It's all the more damning for writers, who have the luxury of choosing their words off-line from the half-million-word phantasmagoria of the English language.

Also calling for reflection is whether linguistic taboos are always a bad thing. Why are we offended--why should we be offended--when an outsider refers to an African American as a nigger, or a woman as a cunt, or a Jewish person as a fucking Jew? I suspect that the sense of offense comes from the nature of speech recognition and from what it means to understand the connotation of a word. If you're an English speaker, you can't hear the words nigger or cunt or fucking without calling to mind what they mean to an implicit community of speakers, including the emotions that cling to them. To hear nigger is to try on, however briefly, the thought that there is something contemptible about African Americans and thus to be complicit in a community that standardized that judgment into a word. Just hearing the words feels morally corrosive. None of this means that the words should be banned, only that their effects on listeners should be understood and anticipated.

Also deserving of reflection is why previous generations of speakers bequeathed us a language that treats certain topics with circumspection and restraint. The lexical libertines of the 1960s believed that taboos on sexual language were pointless and even harmful. They argued that removing the stigma from sexuality would eliminate shame and ignorance and thereby reduce venereal disease, illegitimate births, and other hazards of sex. But this turned out to be mistaken. Sexual language has become far more common since the early '60s, but so has illegitimacy, sexually transmitted disease, rape, and the fallout of sexual competition like anorexia in girls and swagger-culture in boys. Though no one can pin down cause and effect, the changes are of a piece with the weakening of the fear and awe that used to surround thoughts about sex and that charged sexual language with taboo.

Those are some of the reasons to think twice about giving carte blanche to swearing. But there is another reason. If an overuse of taboo words, whether by design or laziness, blunts their emotional edge, it will have deprived us of a linguistic instrument that we sometimes sorely need. And this brings me to the arguments on the pro-swearing side.

To begin with, it's a fact of life that people swear. The responsibility of writers is to give a "just and lively image of human nature," as poet John Dryden wrote, and that includes portraying a character's language realistically when their art calls for it. When Norman Mailer wrote his true-to-life novel about World War II, The Naked and the Dead, in 1948, his compromise with the sensibilities of the day was to have soldiers use the pseudo-epithet fug. (When Dorothy Parker met him, she said, "So you're the man who doesn't know how to spell fuck.") Sadly, this prissiness is not a thing of the past: Some public television stations today fear broadcasting Ken Burns' documentary on World War II because of the salty language in his interviews with veterans. The prohibition against swearing in broadcast media makes artists and historians into liars and subverts the responsibility of grown-ups to learn how life is lived in worlds distant from their own.

Even when their characters are not soldiers, writers must sometimes let them swear in order to render human passion compellingly. In the film adaptation of Isaac Bashevis Singer's Enemies: A Love Story, a sweet Polish peasant girl has hidden a Jewish man in a hayloft during the Nazi occupation and becomes his doting wife when the war is over. When she confronts him over an affair he has been having, he loses control and slaps her in the face. Fighting back tears of rage, she looks him in the eye and says slowly, "I saved your life. I took the last bite of food out of my mouth and gave it to you in the hayloft. I carried out your shit!" No other word could convey the depth of her fury at his ingratitude.

For language lovers, the joys of swearing are not confined to the works of famous writers. We should pause to applaud the poetic genius who gave us the soldiers' term for chipped beef on toast, shit on a shingle, and the male-to-male advisory for discretion in sexual matters, Keep your pecker in your pocket. Hats off, too, to the wordsmiths who thought up the indispensable pissing contest, crock of shit, pussy-whipped, and horse's ass. Among those in the historical record, Lyndon Johnson had a certain way with words when it came to summing up the people he distrusted, including a Kennedy aide ("He wouldn't know how to pour piss out of a boot if the instructions were printed on the heel"), Gerald Ford ("He can't fart and chew gum at the same time"), and J. Edgar Hoover ("I'd rather have him inside the tent pissing out than outside pissing in").

When used judiciously, swearing can be hilarious, poignant, and uncannily descriptive. More than any other form of language, it recruits our expressive faculties to the fullest: the combinatorial power of syntax; the evocativeness of metaphor; the pleasure of alliteration, meter, and rhyme; and the emotional charge of our attitudes, both thinkable and unthinkable. It engages the full expanse of the brain: left and right, high and low, ancient and modern. Shakespeare, no stranger to earthy language himself, had Caliban speak for the entire human race when he said, "You taught me language, and my profit on't is, I know how to curse."

Dr Phil and Oprah say.....

2007-10-15T19:13:00.000+10:00

Where else do you start on a quest for happiness and fulfillment but Oprah and Dr Phil. While I haven't explored the Dr Phil site fully I did have a squizz at the ole Oprah site and did one of a multitude of quizzes and got the below result:

THE "WHAT ARE YOU HIDING?" QUIZ RESULTS
You're repressing a considerable amount of emotion and information, and this affects your daily life in negative ways. You sometimes behave irresponsibly, or even destructively, at work and in relationships. You could benefit from reading psychology or self-help books that interest you, and therapy would be enormously helpful.

Great so I'm a fucking psycho now eh? Niiiice.

There were another couple of enlightening nuggets that I'll share with you next time because I've come to realise a few more things while reading all that self improvement stuff on Oprah. In the last rambling episode I listed the things that I already have in life and notably absent from that list was "good friends". I've lost a lot of friends because of that stoopid pot addiction I had (or as a result of quitting but that's not such a bad thing because they're friends I didn't need). But now I find myself two and a bit years sober and no one to share my life with. Neither friends or a love interest.

So it's quite possible that that is the hole. That I need to share my life or feel like I belong somewhere, be a part of something. Not that there's a whole bunch of exciting things to share at the moment but it would be nice to be able to ring a friend up and have a good bitch session or just talk about whats going on. I have friends I could ring up but unfortunately I'm a good and loyal listener and it seems that over the years I've trained my friends into talking about their problems and not listening to mine. I could start off with my problems but eventually it'll turn to a their problemfest with me sitting there thinking "anyway, back to me..." and wondering why I'm wasting my breath. I'm always there for people but now that I turn around and look for someone to be there for me I find no one.

It'd be nice to come home and have someone ask "how was your day" or hug me for 2 minutes and not say anything. Apart from all the other highs, lows and sexy parts that come with a relationship I think I just need to be in one. Does that make me one of those people who can't be alone? It's an odd thought to me considering that I've been on my own for so long but have been so unhappy while being alone. I'll have to ponder that a while longer and get back to you.

And quite frankly I'm bored. I'm bored with my job, bored with the lack of fun in my life, bored bored bored. I need to say yes more instead of no.

So to sum up my discoveries today, I need new friends, quality friends. I'm lonely and want a partner, I'm bored, need a new job and need some fun. Yay... so now I know all that how the hell do I tackle all that crap..... one step at a time eh?

2007-10-10T18:54:00.000+10:00

Hi

'member me? I've been hiding because I thought I'd accidentally revealed myself to someone in real life and I couldn't risk it. Dumb huh... Yeah I'm paranoid like that but if you knew what I did you'd be panicking too. Anyhoo I haven't been unmasked and I'm back.

You know it feels as if a year or so has gone by since we last spoke. Too much has happened in real life for it to only be the span of a couple of months. Total chaos and destruction at work, I'm now averaging 9-10 hours a day and then resisting (somewhat unsuccessfully) the urge to to stuff at home and then for the cherry on top, dreaming about work. As if I didn't get enough during the waking hours. I really don't know what to do about it all because in a way this is what I asked for. Well not exactly. I asked to be in the role that I'm in but I certainly didn't ask to be involved in the office politics and have people that I once admired and respected stab me and my team in the back so viciously. I can't express how disappointing that is. The worst part is that I can't confront the person because they don't know that I know. It's been an interesting introduction to the tricky manuvering that is office politics. I've been blessed to have never been involved until now. But luckily for me I'm on the right side so I can see which way the tide is turning and it's a good thing I believe in karma... Oh well just gotta grin and bear it. There is a light at the end of the tunnel and I just hope that I have the strength and perseverence to see it.

My personal life has hit new lows and I've had a couple of realisations. The first of which stemmed from an observation someone made of me "You use work to escape reality, don't you?". At the time I said no but that question kept buzzing around in my head and I had to admit that yes, yes I do. Kinda catch 22 because the thing that drives me crazy is also my distraction.

The second realisation which kinda stems from the first is that I've been trying to plug a round hole in me with square pegs. (and no not that hole) I've been trying to make myself happy/satisfied with first drugs, then alcohol, then food and now shopping (I have an eBay addiction at the moment). None of which satisfy that itch for very long. The sad thing is that I don't know what will satisfy it because I don't really know what the hole is. Yes I'm lonely and in a way I hate to admit that and I don't like the thought that having someone in my life is the round peg. Something inside me rebels against that notion because surely I should be able to make myself happy and not be reliant on another human being to make that happen? But when I look at what I've been doing to myself I can't help but wonder.

And if having someone in my life isn't the solution then what is? What makes you happy? Not just temporarily happy which is what I've been doing with drugs, alcohol, food and now shopping? Full time, once and for all, forever happy. Is that actually possible? I'm just sick of feeling like I'm missing something, like an amputee with phantom limb pain.

In the grand scheme of things I have all the peripheral things that I need. I'm alive, I have great health, my family is healthy, I have a great job, house, car and money to get whatever I need. So all of this and I'm still not happy. I'm not really a spiritual person in that I don't believe in God per se (I believe in the Universe but thats another discussion for another time) so that's not my answer. I do charitable works and try to help my fellow man. So what else....? What is the answer? This is going to be my quest for a while and to be honest with you I don't really know where to start.

I'll keep you posted.

But to leave you on a good note, weight loss total so far 42kgs (that's 92 pounds for you backwards folk - no wonder you have issues... 92 seems like such a big number, guess it is huh) 20ish kgs to go til my goal weight which is just a fraction over the BMI weight. Yay me.

Life, the universe and everything

2007-08-12T19:11:00.000+10:00

Poor neglected blog, I do still love you, really I do. It's stoopid real life getting in the way again. How rude huh? Work is insane as usual, more topsy turvy than usual and getting a little annoying quite frankly. I thought that the last 6 months were pretty unsettled but it looks like the bumpy ride isn't over yet. I'm half tempted to pack it all in and find a new job but I don't like to quit when the going gets hard so I'm sticking with it. Just need to have some fricken patience.... patience grasshopper....

It's been a weird sort of weekend. Started off by having a dream that Benji came back from Abu Dhabi to tell me that he'd realised that he was madly in love with me (hellooo subconscious) and then there was a whole bunch of snogging so that put me in a melancholy mood...

I've spent the weekend clearing out the stuff in my spare room. I generally clean the house and dump any stuff I dunno what to do with in there so periodically it needs a good sorting out. I want to turn it in to an organised office but I think I'm going to need a mini dumpster to clear out the junk. What can I say, I'm a hoarder... Anyway when I was clearing out a box of papers I came across a few letters I'd kept from my grandparents (my dad's parents). I don't have any grandparents left and due to the nature of my upbringing I never really got to spend a lot of time with either set, much to my dismay. I always wanted the golden story book relationship with my grandparents full of baking goodies together, doing crafts and gardening together etc but unfortunately that was never for me.

Anyway two of the handwritten letters from my Grandpa just made me howl with loss. He died over 10 years ago and I regret to say it but he was always my favourite. Such a kind, good man - a true gentleman. Anyway the two letters I'm going to share with you are ones he sent to me when my parents broke up when I was 17 and then on my 18th birthday (which seems a millenium ago).

My Dear TG

I am very saddened by the separation of your Mum and Dad and it must be doublely so for you.

I feel sure that your Mum and Dad will always love you and will watch with interest your achievements, on your journey through life, and give assistance and advice when you ask.

I wish you well and will do my best to comfort, and give you help, when it is needed, as you are a dear granddaughter, those two words have a sincere meaning.

Lots of best love to a very dear person. I love you.

Grandpop. x x x

My Dear TG

The great day has come and you are now entitled to make decisions as to how you intend to conduct your life.

I congratulate you on reaching the age of eighteen, and do wish you well, but would like to point out to you that there are going to be many ups and downs as you journey through the "hurly burly" we call life. The main two people who will be following your progress and be willing to give if you ask for help, are Mum and Dad. So go ahead with dignity and honesty but full of confidence to a great experiance.

Good Travelling.

I will be following your progress with keen interest.

Much love to a very dear and special granddaughter.

love Grandpop x x x

It's funny because I've been missing him a lot recently but finding these letters again reminds me that he's watching over me as are all my Grandparents. Not really sure why I wanted to share all that with you but there it is anyway.

And so as not to leave you on a sad note, I've been bargain hunting again, the Alex Liddy dinnerset I've had my eye on for just about ages was on special (half price yeah!) this weekend so I splashed out. I looove it!

Have a great week!

awesome awesome awesome

2007-08-01T18:13:00.000+10:00

A is for Awesome

Today I reached one of my weight milestones (heheh typoed miletonnes). I've cracked a number that I never thought I'd make. The last time I was this weight was about 6 maybe 7 years ago. You know I'm still waiting for the hard part to kick in... It's been so easy so far and the weight has just been melting off. 30kgs so far... still a little bit more to go but I feel so awesome at the moment. Absolutely LOVING the compliments and double takes I've been getting which is odd because I'm never really been able to take compliments well. Guess it's one of the lessons on this journey. Definately rediscovering my inner hottie. I thought she'd gone forever but she was just hidden under those layers of blubber. Look good, feel good. In fact I actually feel attractive.

I won a Lost season 1 and 2 boxed set in a competition - Awesome!! Have I mentioned how much I love that show ;} Mmmmm Sawyery goodness.

My birthday is sorta round the corner and it's quite possible that I won't be spending it alone...... I don't want to jinx m'self but it looks like there is a very nice man on the horizon. Tall AND cute... and waving at me! Can you believe that shit? Awesome!

And I found the below pic while googlaying a pic for awesome... and it's pretty awesome so just thought I'd leave you with it to sum up the awesomeness that is today.

mondo bizzaro dude

2007-07-25T18:18:00.000+10:00

Wanna hear something weird? I think my parents are getting back together after 15 years of divorce. If you had of asked me a couple of years ago how I felt about that I would tell you that I didn't particularly want them to get back together. These days I think it would be neato.

In some ways it's like they're not parted because we still get together and do all of the holidays and birthdays together (including mothers and fathers days) so we spend lots of quality time together as a family anyway but I wonder if they'd get married again or move in together.

So how have I come to this conclusion? Well they've been spending quite a bit of together without me or my bro. There's been little afternoon teas and last week they had dinner together. AND not only that but my dad didn't tell me about it when I saw him on Saturday. Usually he'll mention if mum popped in etc but no, no mention of it at all and my bro told me that he sprung them when he dropped in at my ma's house. Could just be me reading too much into it and I guess after 23 years of marriage that they would still be friends (they didn't have a messy nasty divorce) but I still think it's odd. And kinda nice.

We'll see eh?

Et toi?

2007-07-23T21:40:00.000+10:00

I'm considering myself tagged because I'm still too fuckin cranky to write anything that makes coherent sense and doesn't smack of whining so you get this thanks to WLFG:

1. You can press a button that will make any one person explode. Can I just make someone's dick explode off instead? No need for a quick and painless death...

2. You can flip a switch that will wipe any band or musical artist out of existence. Which one will it be? Probaby Michael Jackson.

3. Who would you really like to just punch in the face? The wizard. Lets not go there.

4. What is your favorite cheese? mmm cheeese, I'm quite partial to a gooey brie on some nice toasted italian or french bread. Or Havarti, or Emmenthal, or Komijnekaas, or (while technically not a cheese per se) Boursin (the garlic and herbs one the most) Any cheese really mmm cheese

5. You can only have one kind of sandwich. Every sandwich ingredient known to humankind is at your immediate disposal. What kind will you make? I'm a simple gal... on toasted wholemeal (with butter) - black current jam with crunchy peanut butter. I do like avocado and peanut butter on toast too... or nutella and peanut butter.. are you sensing a theme? And not to mention Vegemite on toast. aaawesome!

6. You have the opportunity to sleep with the movie celebrity of your choice. We are talking no-strings-attached sex and it can only happen once. pfft that's a no brainer, Josh Holloway aka Sawyer. Actually can I make mine a threesome and throw in Josh Hartnett in there as well? (and Billy Zane and Jensen Ackles as a backup)

7. You have the opportunity to sleep with the music-celebrity of your choice. Who do you pick? Chris Cornell or Sebastian Bach closely followed by Simon LeBon

8. Now that you've slept with two different people in a row, you seem to be having an excellent day because you just came across a hundred-dollar bill on the sidewalk. Holy shit, a hundred bucks! How are you gonna spend it? Shoes! Shoes or boots. If I still smoked I'd be off to get a quarter...

9. You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere. You have to depart right now. Where are you gonna go? Awesome! I'd be off to Abu Dhabi to go and see Benji. (did I mention that he sent me an email the other day *sigh*)

10. Upon arrival to the aforementioned location, you get off the plane and discover another hundred-dollar bill. Shit! Now that you are in the new location, what are you gonna do? I'd shout a nice dinner for Benji and moi and buy copious bottles of la plonko reddo for us to quaff.

11. An angel appears out of Heaven and offers you a lifetime supply of the alcoholic beverage of your choice. It is...? Vodka and old fashioned lemonade or VB beer. Or Amaretto. (are you getting that I'm not a one choice kinda gal??)

12. Rufus appears out of nowhere with a time-traveling phone booth. You can go anytime in the PAST. What time are you traveling to and what are you going to do when you get there? duuuude I'd go back to about 1920 and go and study in the Bauhaus school in germany and soak up the designy goodness.

13. You discover a beautiful island upon which you may build your own society. You make the rules. What is the first rule you put into place? Clothes optional. euuwww no wait that could get ugly. The first rule of TG island is that you don't talk about TG island ;)

14. You have been given the opportunity to create the half-hour TV show of your own design. What is it called and what's the premise? Stalker and it's basically about me stalking my top 10 eye candy celebs and perving on them. (and not getting arrested for it)

15. What is your favorite curse word? Fuck, slunt or dicksnacker.

16. One night you wake up because you heard a noise. You turn on the light to find that you are surrounded by MUMMIES. The mummies aren't really doing anything, they're just standing around your bed. What do you do? Ask them what they're doing here and shouldn't they go back to their families... oh you mean the egyptian kind.. meh they don't really bother me as long as they don't stink. I'd ask them how the after life is goin...

17. Your house is on fire, holy shit! You have just enough time to run in there and grab ONE inanimate object. Don't worry, your loved ones and pets have already made it out safely. So what's the item? My photos and the box I inherited from my grandma (and my laptop)

18. The Angel of Death has descended upon you. Fortunately, the Angel of Death is pretty cool and in a good mood, and it offers you a half-hour to do whatever you want before you bite it. Whatcha gonna do in that half-hour? sex sex sex and more sex

19. You accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what's even cooler is that they endow you with the super-power of your choice! What's it gonna be? To read minds or fly (yep me too)

20. You can re-live any point of time in your life. The time-span can only be a half-hour, though. What half-hour of your past would you like to experience again? This was a toughie as there isn't a lot that I'd actually like to relive. I'd probably go waaay back to when I was a kid and running around the neighbourhood with my friends playing 40/40 (a kinda hide and seek game).

21. You can erase any horrible experience from your past. What will it be? (the answer "nothing" doesn't count) nothing pffft as if... One particular ex-boyfriend, no surprise. (ditto)

22. You got kicked out of the country for being a time-traveling heathen who sleeps with celebrities and has super-powers. But check out this cool shit... you can move to anywhere else in the world! Bitchin'! Would it be redundant if I said Abu Dhabi? So as not to be repetative I'd probably say Holland or Vanuatu.

23. This question still counts, even for those of you who are under age. Check it out. You have been eternally banned from every single bar in the world except for ONE. Which one is it gonna be? I can't spell it out as it would give my location away but it's initials are ABN. Awesome beer battered chips and frosty cold beer.

24. Hopefully you didn't mention this in the super-powers question.... If you did, then we'll just expand on that. Check it out... Suddenly, you have gained the ability to FLOAT!!! Whose house are you going to float to first, and be like "Dude, check it out... I can FLOAT!"? my mate Chip, no particular reason, I just think she'd get a kick out of it.

25. The constant absorption of magical moonbeams mixed with the radioactive vegetables you consumed earlier has given you the ability to resurrect the dead famous-person of your choice. So which celebrity will you bring back to life? River Phoenix or Kurt Cobain, actually Andy Warhol would be good for a laugh too. (again as long as they're lifelike and not all stinky n stuff)

26. The Celestial Gates of Beyond have opened, much to your surprise because you didn't think such a thing existed. Death appears. As it turns out, Death is actually a pretty cool entity, and happens to be in a fantastic mood. Death offers to return the friend/family-member/person, etc. of your choice to the living world. Who will you bring back? My Grandpop (my dad's dad). He was an awesome man and I wish I had more time to spend with him and learn from him.

27. What's your theme song? No sorry this is just too difficult to answer as there are waaay too many songs. it would have to be a theme soundtrack of at least 12 songs ;) Wait, maybe The Hollow by A Perfect Circle... that could sorta sum it up... well for now anyway

And consider yourself tagged if you dig it.

That's not phunny

2007-07-17T20:45:00.000+10:00

I'm still in a feral mood so I'll leave you with the below meagre offering instead of a lot of inane ranting and raving... I'll refine my rant and give it to you later.

1. A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired.

2. What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway).

3. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

4. A backwards poet writes inverse.

5. In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

6. She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.

7. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

8. If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

9. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

10. Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A- flat minor.

11. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

12. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

13. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

14. You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

15. Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

16. He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

17. Every calendar's days are numbered.

18. A lot of money is tainted. It taint yours and it taint mine.

19. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

20. He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

21. A plateau is a high form of flattery.

22. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

23. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

24. Once you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

25. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

26. When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye.

27. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

28. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

29. Acupuncture is a jab well done.

30. Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

I really fucking hate being right sometimes.

2007-07-12T18:40:00.000+10:00

I don't know why I'm so suprised really. I was 80% sure I was right and now I'm 110% sure I'm right. Doesn't change things but that doesn't mean I'm not allowed to be fuckin cranky about it is it?

Today I abused my power and found something I probably shouldn't have. I did something I shouldn't have and I opened it and read it and then read some more. The fact that it belongs to my ex boyfriend and confirmed that I was merely a side salad for the 16 months that we went out is no news to me but still... fucker, I want to rip his eyes out.

I'm really fuckin angry again and while I'm angry at him for doing that to me (not that I knew it at the time) but I'm more angry at myself again for being so goddam blind. Little things that didn't make sense and that I just brushed off at the time.... It was only after we broke up that everything made sense. And now it's all crystal fucking clear.

I toyed with the idea of confronting him about it all but ultimately what's it going to achieve? Nothing. I'd confront him, he'd tell me I'm right, conversation over. (or he lies and I kill him but that'd be messy). I already know I'm right. And I've got the emails to prove it. The sadistic side of me gained such pleasure at reading the stuff I did and revelling in the fact that he kept those emails and how much they must have hurt him but at the same time it hurt to see the side of him talking to her in a way that I always wanted and never had.

Before today I had pieced together our "relationship" through conversations with mutual friends. The thing is that when we were going out we didn't tell anyone at work (we used to work together) and because of that, and the right question here and there to our mutual friends, I found out the whole story. I didn't want to believe that I was right because I didn't want to think that he was capable of being so deceptive, of being so two faced and so sweet to me at the same time. Fuckin prick.

And then on top of all of that, R kissed me on the lips today after I told him what I discovered. I hated him a little for that. The fact that he has the same name, his birthday is 4 days before X's and he too already has a fucking girlfriend.... still thinking about himself and not me...

grrrrrrrrrrrrrr........

droughts, fires, floods, rockin blogs - beware the plagues of locusts!

2007-07-09T20:06:00.000+10:00

Well I'm back! Did you miss me? Better get comfy cuz I have a bit to catch up on.

What was going to be a quick sojourn into the country turned into 3 weeks of watery hell. Only a few months ago I was bitching about the drought we're in and how dry it is... But it's a funny country I live in. It seems we're now in the midst of a mass of floods. When they start reporting plagues of locusts I'm building m'self a bunker!

I went interstate to visit a pal of mine who had just popped out a sprog (a blue one named Jake) and got stuck there for 3 weeks as we got flooded in. All of the roads in and around the town were flooded and the town itself was under water for 2 days. We almost got airlifted out of there by a squadron of helicopters on the worst day but as the house is on stilts we were OK. Probably one of the most bizarre experiances of my life really. It's kinda surreal when you're surrounded by floodwaters and back home they're talking about Stage 4 water restrictions.

Anyway the bridge was reopened last week and I made my soggy way back home. Got a very warm welcome home from M'Lord which was really cute. Never seen such a happy chap.

And never seen so much email in my inbox. I feel loved! We'll just ignore the fact that half of it was spam, those folks peddling viagra and russian brides love me too in their own special way. And not only that but I was made speechless (which is a rarity for me) by being honored with an award... I'm a Rockin Girl Blogger!! Who would have known? Go me! WLFG thought me worthy of the award and I have to pass it on to 5 other rockin gals... that's the hard part because most of the blogs I read are boys so lemme see what I can do. Otherwise, surprise surprise, there's a Rockin Boy Blogger award so allow me to sprinkle a few of those about if I fall short.

I dunno the rules of this thing but the first one that sprung to mind would be the gal that gave the me award because of the awesomeness that she is but I prolly can't do that since she's already been awarded.

So lemme pay it forward a little: (in random order)

The Rantings of a Not So Starving Writer
I started reading Brianne at her old blog and got hooked. Her life has more twists and turns than a rollercoaster and is way better than The Bold and the Beautiful. She makes me laugh a lot and I love her no bullshit attitude. Anyone that extends their birthday to a weeklong party rocks my world.

Chat Shit
Ditto with Fuckkit really. I started reading her on her old blog when she was still stuck in the UK and now she's travelling around my fair country causing chaos and mayhem wherever she goes whilst discovering the delights of goon and crisping her pale pommy skin.

Starting Next Monday
The Big Cheese, my favourite man. Two words - fucking hilarious. His blog should come with a warning - do not eat food and read this blog because the amount of times I've been sipping some tea or eating something and almost choked to death or sprayed tea on the screen is just stoopid. His was the first blog I ever read and was one of the reasons I started my own. So there, it's your fault Cheese :P

Lance Morrison
For some reason I always want to call him Lancey Pants but somehow resist the urge ;} Basically he's one half of the main reason I'd like to visit to Canada. I don't think that my life would be complete without meeting him.

The Dive Bar Verses
Hermes, not much more I can say because he's the wordsmith. In fact I'm not even going to tell him about this award as I'm sure it means nothing to him but I love to read his writings and glad he's back after a little hiatus. I remember the first post I read a few years ago and it was just so dirty and raw I had to read it a couple times just to soak it all in. He just has a way of taking you right there so that you can see it so clearly. I'm quite envious really.

Well that's about it for today. I've got more to catch up on but I'm just going to end up giving you eye strain so I'll leave some for tomorrow. Good to read you all again, I feel like I've been away for the longest time.

Pron part 2

2007-06-13T19:18:00.000+10:00

So I ring up my mate featured in the little video clip I was sent the other day and dance around trying to tell her what I've seen. It's not exactly something that you can just blurt out and say "dude, loved you in your porn debut"... The other thing I forgot to mention is that the guy that she's with in the clip is not her current partner and is a guy I don't recognise.

So I finally get up the guts to tell her what I've been sent and she goes silent for about the longest 15 seconds of my life. I'm thinking shiiiiiiiiiiiit when she bursts out laughing. Apparently I was the 6th person to ring her about it that day... go viral email. It turns out that the clip is part of a tape that she made with her ex ex guy and it's release is payback as part of a "custody" dispute over their dog. She's got the dog and he's got squat so he got pissed and sent the snippet to everyone he ever knew and told them to send it on to everyone they knew etc etc. She's now suing him for a squillion and laughing all the way to the bank. Unfortunately her (not so) current partner was also sent a copy by one of his mates and he's cracked the shits and dumped her because he was starting to get hassled by his mates and couldn't hack the pressure.

If it's as widespread as that it'll probably be in your inboxes shortly. (but not from me cuz I wouldn't do that to a friend)

Interesting. I feel like cuing the Entertainment Tonight theme music or something...

Note to self: never make a sex tape (unless I want to boost my ailing career once I'm rich and famous)

When did the flame burn so high and get so hot

2007-06-13T18:57:00.000+10:00

I was listening to this song on the way home and it struck me as one of the nicest smoochy songs I've heard in a while so I thought I'd share. Tis Audioslave's Nothing Left to Say But Goodbye

Just like a rescue of a stray dog in the rain
I was hungry when you found me
And you could tell by my tail and my rib cage
What was once around me

I've been chased by a rain cloud
I was lost and nearly drowned and kicked around
But now I'm found and I won't run away

Bless your heart you gave me a home and a new start
And I will leave you never
Sleep at your feet and stay guard at your front door
I will keep things together

I've been chased by a rain cloud
I was lost and nearly drowned and kicked around
But now I'm found and I won't run away

I killed myself, threw away my mental health but nobody was blinking an eye
Backyard, basement, falling on the pavement
Nothing Left to Say But Goodbye
Nothing Left to Say But Goodbye

It's true I ran away before but be sure
I am no tail-chaser
I know a good thing when it throws me a bone
I'm your best friend forever

I've been chased by a rain cloud
I was lost and nearly drowned and kicked around
But now I'm found and I won't run away

whaa the faaa?

2007-06-05T20:32:00.000+10:00

Right now I'm without speech and struggling to pick jaw off the floor... um I've just been emailed an amateur porn clip and it's someone I know.

woah.

Not quite sure what to do with it, not sure whether I should say something to them or just delete it and try to forget. I certainly didn't get it from them or even someone who knows them...

this is SO weird.

what would you do?

Super MeMe!

2007-06-02T20:36:00.001+10:00

I'll see you your 8 WLFG and raise you 100! I was sent this today at work and thought I'd share because it was kinda fun to write - it's simple, write 100 random things about yourself.

1 For the purposes of this exercise my name is TG - if I told you my real name I'd have to kill you and I probably like you too much to do that.

2 I'm named after a renaissance painter's wife and my middle name after a Queen mother [not the British one]

3 There are various paintings of my namesake, I have a copy of one hanging on my wall at home.

4 I've also had a sculpture named after me which was entered into a competition and won second prize.

5 My fathers side of the family can be traced back to 1190 and I'm related to royalty waaaay back there. My ancestors were not convicts.

6 I come from a very creative family. My mother's side of the family are all painters and sculptors and my mother's uncle worked on restoring The Night Watch.

7 As a result I'm pretty creative, I paint, sculpt, draw, bead, sew, weave, been involved in the theatre in a backstage capacity for 18 years and am obsessed with interior design.

8 My little brother is my idol, he constantly amazes me with his talents and awesome personality. I want to be just like him when I grow up. I think he's a better person than I ever will be and I'm glad that he's learned from my mistakes over the years. I really wish I could have been a better big sister when we were growing up.

9 I've always wanted to have a close relationship with my grandparents but it never happened because we moved so often. Now that they're all gone I regret not making more of an effort.

10 I have visited or lived on every continent.

11 I secretly wish my parents would get back together even though they've been divorced for 14 years. At least they're good friends and we spend all of the occasions together as a family.

12 My family is very close despite the divorce and in some ways I think the divorce brought us all closer. We still do all of the holidays & birthdays together so it still feels like we're all together.

13 I'm over protective of my Mum and punched out her last boyfriend for 'abusing' her. I had to be restrained before I did him some serious damage. [this psycho killed one of her male friend's cat because he was jealous that she was having dinner with another male, he used to sneak under her house to see who was visiting her etc etc etc - a real fuckin psycho asshole]

14 Apart from psycho asshole there I've never picked a fight but have been in a few fistfights in highschool. I'm really tall and it was always the shorties with something to prove that picked me. In all those fights I've never 'lost'... heheh two hits... [me hitting you, you hitting the floor]

15 I thought I was queen shit of turd mountain in the last two years of highschool and had a rep as a toughie although never really did anything seriously bad to deserve it. Although I guess a few fist fights and being in detention a lot for skipping classes helped my reputation.

16 I've known my bestest friend for 19 years, we met in highschool and we've only had one real argument (which was last year).

17 I hated my next bestest friend and her group when we were in highschool. We've been friends for the last 13 years

18 We've almost always had a cat in the family but I'd still like to have a dog at some stage (or a snake).

19 His Lordship is the first cat that I've ever purchased. All our other cats have adopted us.

20 His Lordship's real name is really funny but I can't tell you that either cuz enough people know it blah blah see 1.

21 I screen calls when I'm home. The important people in my life know this and will chatter a bit on the machine until I pick up. I hate being bugged by telesales people but I will be polite when I tell them to bugger off as they're human too.

22 I won't answer the door if I see hawkers through the doorpeep.

23 I've been waxing since I was 14 and hardly grow any hair anymore and I LOVE the feeling of being waxed.

24 I love the smell of the inside of a washing machine and the inside of a M&amp;amp;Ms packet

25 I know what I want to be when I grow up but I don't know how to get there.

26 This frustrates the hell out of me! The longer it goes on the stronger the urge is.

27 I think I'm sexual deviant. I'm not normal. I've had over 12,410 orgasms and want to have my own bondage dungeon.

28 Further to that, there's not a lot I haven't seen or done.

29 I have more porn than anyone I know and have actually discovered some boring porn.

30 I can't stand it when people stop and have a chat in the middle of a busy walkway at the mall. I've gotten to the age now where if people do it I will stop and ask them to move to the side a little because if I don't I have to restrain myself from making snippy comments as I pass.

31 I hate the way other people drive like maniacs. I drive perfectly of course.

32 My biggest pet peev is bad customer service in a customer service industry. Drives me batshit!

33 That being said I strive for customer service excellence and won 4 CEO awards for it in 2004. YAY me!

34 I'd love to be an events manager or wedding planner. So up my alley organising all the little details.

35 I'd love to open my own restaurant [or cafe or bar]

36 I've always been a bit of a tomboy but I've found that in the last couple of years that I'm getting really girly girly. And I like it!

37 I have an irrational fear of twisting my ankle and falling down the stairs. For some reason I think about it a lot.

38 I really don't understand politics. It's all shit to me.

39 I can wiggle my middle toe independently of the others. On both feet.

40 I love Lost and Survivor especially since I have a deserted island fantasy. I'm not really sure why it appeals to me so much but I'd love to be on a deserted island [or own my own island so I can pretend!]

41 I love puzzles, brain teasers, sudoku, crosswords, riddles and secrets.

42 I find it really hard to make top 5 lists of movies or music because I like so many so I have to redefine it into top 5 right now or top 5 of all time because they're very different lists.

43 I fuckin like to fuckin swear, a fuckin lot.

44 I'm not religious although I'd like to believe that there's something out there watching over us and guiding us. Whether it's "God" or spirit or Universe or whatever. Guess that makes me sortof agnostic.

45 I believe that people should have the right to believe in whatever entity they want and not be judged or attacked for it.

46 That being said I don't understand holy wars. I don't understand how people have the strength of belief in something they can't prove. And in some ways I'm envious of that faith.

47 I’m scared of World War III happening in my lifetime.

48 I could quite happily get cosmetic surgery. No problemo.

49 I develop crushes too easily.

50 I hate it when people talk at you and don't listen to what you're saying. Like they're just waiting for to finish talking so that they can speak again.

51 Out of all the superpowers there are I'd like to be able to fly and read minds.

52 I can't live without my sunglasses

53 I must have at least one coffee in the morning or else the people in my vicinity just aren't safe. I am not a morning person and need that coffee to warm up the care factor. It's a 'rule' that's joked about at work - "Do not ask TG dumb questions before first coffee".

54 I sleep really badly and have extremely vivid dreams all night and wake up feeling unrefreshed. I used to sleepwalk a lot and occasionally still have the odd wander around the house when I'm asleep. Usually about once a year [or more if I'm seriously stressed] I've been a bad sleeper since birth.

55 I always remember my dreams and keep a dream journal

56 I have a few recurring dreams and they're pretty weird. There are 3 main themes to them. One is that I can touch my toes while sitting with my legs outstretched or that I can do the splits. The second one usually involves me wearing the retainer I used to have when I had braces at age 14. And the last involves gum, you know when you've been chewing a bit of gum for way too long and it starts to disintegrate - my dream is usually about gum that is all goopy like that and stuck to the roof of my mouth and I'm trying to scoop it out. Of course I have the usual plane crashing, falling off cliffs and sex dreams as recurring dreams but I think they're the oddest one of the recurring ones.

57 I've experienced deja vu from past dreams so I sort of believe in my dreams as I have dreamt of things happening in the future which have come true. I certainly pay attention to my dreams. Very spooky that.

58 I really want my mum to be a grandmother before she dies.

59 I'm scared of losing her to this brain tumour too quickly. It tears my heart to shreds to even think of losing her. While she drives me crazy sometimes I can't imagine what I'd do without her.

60 I’m also scared of physically not being able to have a child

61 I was pregnant when I was 19 and was beaten until I miscarried and since then I’ve had troubles with the ole womanly parts which is why I’m worried about 60. And I’m not getting any younger so my fertility is diminishing with every day that passes.

62 At the same time, kids can really shit me and I wonder how I’ll cope being a parent. I think I’ll be a good mother but I wonder how my patience will hold up considering it’s my own kid.

63 I hope my child turns out nothing like me.

64 And I really want a boy, I think I’d be a little bit disappointed if I had a girl if I’m honest with myself.

65 I cry at sad movies, happy movies too! Small kindnesses make me cry too. Just can't help myself - crybaby ;}

66 I still miss smoking pot. I used to smoke every day for a while but I'm so thankful that I've quit and got on with my life.

67 I don't think I'm as clever as I pretend to be. I often wonder how much smoking pot for so long has done to my brain and I thank god for the coping /cover up skills I’ve developed

68 I have a tattoo and want more

69 I love being a smartass and I usually get away with it as I do it in a cheeky matey matey way.

70 I love peanut butter and black current jam sandwiches, preferably on toast.

71 I love any sort of chocolate and peanut/peanut butter combination like Peanut butter M&M's Butterfingers, Reeces Pieces Peanut butter cups

72 love pancakes with bacon and maple syrup

73 I don't like Kiwi fruit [unless it's really sour and tangy], lychees, water chestnuts or lamb

74 I have a facial and a pedicure every Sunday and change the toe paint then too.

75 I try on every cute guy's last name... just in case it rings true.

76 I love reading the Sunday paper in the sun with the cat on my lap. True bliss

77 I don't like singing in public or in front of people, to the point where I often mouth Happy Birthday, but I love to sing at home or in the car when I know that no one is listening.

78 I'm a bit dyslexic, even when I type but because I can type fast, the delete key is often in use.

79 I really want to drive a Mac truck around, just once.

80 I hated school, so much I can’t even express it. I laugh whenever people say that school times was the best times in their lives. No no, not for me. I couldn’t wait to get out and every minute I’ve spent out of school has been my best time.

81 I won't leave the house without my eye makeup but I rarely wear lipstick.

82 I don’t like how I look without makeup and can be lazy about taking it off at night

83 I've been in 6 car accidents, 3 in which I was driving, two of which I was at fault. No serious injuries in any of them thanks to seat belts. The closest, most nastiest one was with a friend driving in a 4 wheel drive and she flipped the car a couple of times and we ended up upside down. I had only just put my seat belt back on as the Coca Cola had fallen on the floor and I couldn't reach with my seatbelt on. I've been VERY lucky. The 'funny' thing is that once we'd landed, the tape deck was the only thing still working and it was still playing and to this day I can't listen to Jimmy Barnes when he sings "River Deep, Mountain high", gives me the willys.

84 I always make a wish on a falling star, wishbone or when I'm blowing out candles.

85 I hate ironing and avoid it whenever possible

86 I almost never make my bed. I reckon that I'm only going to mess it up in a couple of hours anyway. BUT I do love fresh sheets and that's probably the only time my bed resembles a made bed. heheh although if there's someone coming over that needs impressing I can manage to drag the covers in an orderly fashion

87 I'm always on time or 5 minutes early. I'm a real stickler for being on time and if I'm not going to make it on time for some reason I always call. I hate being late!

88 Speaking of time, I've had the same alarm clock since I was 8

89 I don’t know how to forgive or forget. But I have learnt to tuck it away in my memory and not look at it so that it doesn't hurt as much.

90 I often want to runaway and not tell anyone. Just runaway and forget about everything. Sometimes being an adult sucks ass.

91 I love playing cards, any sort of card game.

92 I think I’m boring but I know I’m not

93 I wish that people could see me the way I see myself. Well certain aspects of me that I don’t share for whatever self preservation bullshit I spin myself.

94 I wish I could just let go and BE

95 I’m shit scared of flight turbulence. To the point where I’ll come off the plane with bleeding palms from digging my nails in my palms from clenching my fists so tightly. Stoopid thing is that I know that there’s nothing I can do about it and I know I‘m being dumb, it’s just a control thing. But I love travelling.

96 By the same token, I’m not a good car passenger. It’s because I’m not driving. (again the control thing)

97 There is no such thing as third chances with me. You only get one second chance and after that…zip. No third time lucky because in my experiences there's been no such thing.

98 I don’t like walking into a crowded room alone. Makes me really uncomfortable.

99 I often feel like the odd one out. I think it stems from a lot of things but that’s a whole other post

100 I can't pee if someone is within earshot. It's just physically impossible :]

and tag you're it if you could be bothered.

bwaaaaahahahahahahahahhaaaa!!!!

2007-05-23T18:38:00.000+10:00

Oh I just had to share:

http://passiveaggressivenotes.wordpress.com

Go there, you know you want to!

seek and ye shall find

2007-05-22T20:05:00.000+10:00

Funny how the Universe provides.... in the last episode we left TG pondering on how to deal with life's little challenges without comforting herself with food. And not entirely sure whether she had mastered (or even noviced) that art.

Today, Spam gives me a book to read titled "Think Slim: The key to making any diet work" by Mark Stephens. It claims to help you control emotional eating, eliminate limiting beliefs and negative feelings, change bad habits, set goals and stay motivated, alter your thinking at a subconscious level and use positive self talk. I had a little flip through it and it looks like it's based on NLP, self hypnosis and a smattering of other stuff. I've just finished reading a book on NLP and it's got some very interesting aspects to it so it should be interesting to read it in the food/diet light.

Interesting huh?

Thank you Universe, I look forward to reading it.

food glorious fooooood

2007-05-20T17:19:00.000+10:00

What a week, well more like what a fortnight. I'm going to try and not make this a woe is me post but I'll apologise in advance if it gets that way.

Let me start with some lessons on food. With this whole "eating plan" thing I've learnt some really interesting things. Firstly that I do actually have will power. And not only that but iron clad will power. I have been so strict about sticking to my eating plan that I've really surprised myself that I've been so good. Don't get me wrong, I'd just about murder for a packet of salt and vinegar chips (or bacon and sour cream) and a very large vodka and lemonade but I'm good. I don't need it.

A friend of mine told me yesterday that if I change the way the world sees me then I change the way I see myself. I think that I've already taken the first step in my 1000 step journey and already it seems true. I know I'm feeling better about myself even with a 10kg loss so just imagine the me in another couple of months. I'm going to be absolutely killer! watch out world!

The second thing I've learnt is how much I used to use food and alcohol for comfort. I knew that I did it before I started but to actually recognise that urge and not obey the compulsion when I've been upset or feeling like crap has been interesting. It's also forced me to try and pull myself out of it mentally rather than stuffing handfuls of chips down my throat. I'm not sure if I've managed to master that aspect as I don't really have any answers for when I do feel like shite (well maybe shopping) but it makes me think that I'm reward driven, that I need something tangible to make myself feel better rather than dealing with whatever issue and trying to rationalise it. It's a bit hard with emotions as I don't think I've learnt how not to feel a certain way. I'm feeling pretty crappy at the moment but think that's more stress related.

It's funny how things happen in cycles. I don't know if it's just me or if it's work but everytime I think I can see the light at the end of the tunnel it turns out to be the train. I'm pretty much over my job and if it weren't for the cat I'd be moving asap. I'm half tempted to just go and see what happens with M'Lord. I don't know if I can wait for him to cark it before moving, I just don't know if I can put up with this shit for that long. That's how over it I am.... Normally I'm pretty good at grinning and bearing it and keep on keeping on but it's just wearing me down. I was thinking that maybe I could find another job here but I just don't want to do that. If I'm going to change jobs I want the total change. Dumb huh? *sigh*

Oh well, another day another dollar - back to keeping my chin up!

The first sign

2007-05-10T19:57:00.000+10:00

Winter is on it's way!

(click to enlarge)

I couldn't help but take this pic while at a mates place. This tree is just amazing - purple, green, yellow, orange, red, pink. I've never seen one tree with so many colours. Just gorgeous. I've got another sign for you but you have to wait til tomorrow.

Snippets

2007-05-09T20:26:00.000+10:00

It's funny, I often think about blogging during the day while I'm at work but once I get home the words dry up. That's my weak attempt at an apology for the lack of postage lately. I haven't really had much to write about and I'm working crazy hours. Between now and the end of the financial year things are just going to get even more manic unfortunately. At the moment I just want to say fuck it all and walk away. I'm just a little more than fed up but I gots to pay the bills. I'm sick of being undermined by my own section and with all the chaos that's going on I don't know what is going to happen. Grin and bear it I guess.

Had my first official weigh in today and I've lost 8.7kgs and 35cm! Unreal result for 4 weeks. Can't wait for the rest of it to melt off! I've got my end goal in sight!

And unfortunately it's official, Benji is moving to Abu Dhabi. In fact he's leaving next week. He came to my office and had a chat to me for almost an hour and showed me where he's going to be living etc and I just wanted to tell him not to go or to take me with him. I've been moping around and feeling really down which is just dumb because he's not mine to mope about. If I wasn't such a chicken then maybe he would be and I'd be telling you that I'm off to Abu Dhabi but tis not so my friends. He's only going for a couple of years but I can't wait that long. I hope he gets there and hates it and comes back... yeah more wishful thinking. This sucks.

Don't you hate it when you KNOW you're being irrational but you can't help it? I'm annoyed because I got what I wanted. I wanted Roger to distance himself from me a little so the whole situation wouldn't be so hard. Lately he's stopped playing with me but now that he has I don't like it and in a way I feel insanely jealous about really stoopid petty things like when he comes round for a chat then says he's got to get back to work but stops in for a chat with Spam for half an hour or chats monosyllabically to me online for 5 mins then tells me he's gotta go but stays online for another hour. Instead of being happy like I should be it irritates the hell out of me. And I know I'm being a dork and can't talk myself around. Sometimes I really wonder who's in charge of me...

Anyway I'm just annoying myself now so I'll leave you with those happy thoughts har har.

The wisdom that cleaning gives you

2007-05-04T16:01:00.000+10:00

I had the day off today so I thought I'd tackle my spare room/study and sort out some of the stuff in there. I often write down things that I've heard or read and that I think are poignant and worth remembering. While cleaning today, I came across two scraps of paper that I don't remember writing and don't know where they've come from. They are:

Have patience in yourself.
Find the perspective to see yourself for what you are.
Know that you have it in you to persevere.

and

Recognise that while on the one hand you are limited and dependant, on the other you exist at the perfect centre where the harmonious and beneficent forces of the Universe merge and radiate. You are that centre. The more light you have the better you can see what is trivial and outmoded in your conditioning.

Interesting. And kinda what I needed to hear at the moment. I got confirmation today that Benji is leaving to go to Abu Dhabi. I feel sad about it but at the same time I feel dumb because I shouldn't feel like this as he was never mine in the first place. The perils of being a secret admirer eh? Bon Voyage Benji, as you sail out of my life.

what a difference 5kgs makes....

2007-04-30T18:20:00.000+10:00

Well probably more like 7-10kgs if my first weigh in is anything to go by. Lost 5kgs in the first two weeks and I haven't weighed myself since so I'm not entirely sure. I've been measuring myself every week and have lost 25cm til now. I'm really pleased with the results I'm getting. It's amazing how much of a difference it's made to me so far. I'm starting to notice the looseness in my clothes and today I had a whole bunch of people ask me if I've lost weight and give me compliments. Just wait til they see me in another couple of months!! All this good food and exercise is doing me wonders. And DAMN I just feel so good!

The main thing with the 5-10kgs is that I've rediscovered my inner hottie. I know that she never truely left me but I haven't felt attractive in a long long time. But lately as I've gone shopping or walking around somewhere I've caught people looking at me again or giving me a doubletake - hell it's hard to miss me when I'm 6' tall but most people don't see fat people - or you get the look, then look away thing. I don't know whether it's just my perception or whether it's that inner goodness feeling is shining through but it feels really good to be 'seen' again.

I've come from being a skinny tall hottie to being a obese tall nottie so I've seen both sides of the being looked over/being overlooked thingo. Very interesting but sadly and much to my surprise I enjoy being looked over than overlooked. I never used to be like that in fact it made me very uncomfortable to be looked at. I've never flaunted my figure in tight tops etc au contraire I was the queen of baggy tops. I'm not sure if I'll ever be like that but it's nice to be optically appreciated ;} I still dress for my shape at the moment but I think I'm carrying myself differently.

It's either the inner hottie shining through or the fact that I look a little more striking as I've dyed my hair from honey blonde to dark brown. Fortunately for me I have the complexion to carry it off but it does make my green eyes more striking than being blonde. Havin m'self a mini makeover!

There are so many good things going on at the moment - those big changes at work are all moving in the right direction and looks like there's still more interesting developments on the horizon. I'm really enjoying my friendship with Sisa and everyday I just enjoy her more and more, a very unexpected friendship. I'd be so pleased if she decides to move to Melb at the same time as me. That'd be so grand. My house is coming together nicely, all the little loose ends are coming together.

But I'm very sad to say that I'm totally hooked on this year's Big Brother and it's only because the most gorgeous man is on the show. Thomas, super tall, super cute, super sweet AND a real estate agent. What more could a girl want.... (and is profile pic REALLY doesn't do him any justice)

anyhoo, gotta go perve!