I really fucking hate being right sometimes.

I don't know why I'm so suprised really. I was 80% sure I was right and now I'm 110% sure I'm right. Doesn't change things but that doesn't mean I'm not allowed to be fuckin cranky about it is it?

Today I abused my power and found something I probably shouldn't have. I did something I shouldn't have and I opened it and read it and then read some more. The fact that it belongs to my ex boyfriend and confirmed that I was merely a side salad for the 16 months that we went out is no news to me but still... fucker, I want to rip his eyes out.

I'm really fuckin angry again and while I'm angry at him for doing that to me (not that I knew it at the time) but I'm more angry at myself again for being so goddam blind. Little things that didn't make sense and that I just brushed off at the time.... It was only after we broke up that everything made sense. And now it's all crystal fucking clear.

I toyed with the idea of confronting him about it all but ultimately what's it going to achieve? Nothing. I'd confront him, he'd tell me I'm right, conversation over. (or he lies and I kill him but that'd be messy). I already know I'm right. And I've got the emails to prove it. The sadistic side of me gained such pleasure at reading the stuff I did and revelling in the fact that he kept those emails and how much they must have hurt him but at the same time it hurt to see the side of him talking to her in a way that I always wanted and never had.

Before today I had pieced together our "relationship" through conversations with mutual friends. The thing is that when we were going out we didn't tell anyone at work (we used to work together) and because of that, and the right question here and there to our mutual friends, I found out the whole story. I didn't want to believe that I was right because I didn't want to think that he was capable of being so deceptive, of being so two faced and so sweet to me at the same time. Fuckin prick.

And then on top of all of that, R kissed me on the lips today after I told him what I discovered. I hated him a little for that. The fact that he has the same name, his birthday is 4 days before X's and he too already has a fucking girlfriend.... still thinking about himself and not me...

grrrrrrrrrrrrrr........