Grief

Grief is a new thing to me. I've never had anyone close to me die so I've never known how to deal with it. My first experience was my beloved cat Bebe Lamb dying of kidney disease when I lived overseas in 1992. All I got was a phonecall about it so it was a little remote, I cried a little then moved on because it was easy to do that with the distance. Then, while overseas in the same place, I got news that my most favourite grandfather had passed away. I know you're not supposed to have favourites but if you knew my family you would understand. I didn't get to go to his funeral but I did visit where his ashes were scattered with my Dad when I got back and I do have a special memento of that visit and that was pretty special but again, remote.

My first funeral was with my first boyfriend for a woman I never knew but I still bawled my eyes out due to the pain that was evident in the faces of the family and friends she left behind. My second was my grandmother, my most faves wife and again I couldn't stop bawling but it wasn't so much for the loss of her but for me and all of the times we didn't have because I don't think she really liked my brother and I all that much (again, if you knew my family you'd understand). My cousins got up at the pulpit and told how Granny had made them fairy dresses and sewed their dolly some clothes etc and I never got anything except a shove out the door because her blood pressure was getting too high.

Anyway what I'm leading up to is the grief I'm feeling for the loss of M'Lord. I had to kill him two days before my birthday (November) last year and I still haven't got over it. I relive every single detail of having to do it (and I do count myself lucky that I got to hold him as they injected him with an overdose of sedative but am so sorry that it hurt him as they did it) I'm ok most of the time but then I have some major boohoo moments at least once a week when I just can't take it and I miss him SO much that it physically hurts me, I've never felt such pain. Old habits die hard and I'm so used to having him around the house and I still see him out of the corner of my eye. I've never had these feelings and the strength of them has made me a little scared of the time when I lose a human that means even half as much to me as he did. I miss absolutely everything about him and it's always the little things that kill me the most, my tuck-in kisses, greeting me at the door as I come home each and every day that and so so much more that if I type any more I'm gonna be typing each moment that meant so much and I don't want you to bore you ;}

I just hope I get to a point where I'm not 65 and not still having boohoo moments where I miss him so terribly. Surely there will come a point where I don't miss him so much? Surely?