Again, I've been slacking off. Actually I've taken back to paper, yep have rediscovered my journal. But my conscience couldn't leave you alone. I can't even begin to recap over the past couple of months since I've last posted. Lets just say that I'm going to be so glad once this year is over but at the same time I've discovered happiness. Funny because it seems to have been a completely shite year for most people I know. 2010 is going to have a lot to live up to. Either way as long as it's better than 2009 then it's good for me.

My beautiful man does actually have a girlfriend at the moment but poor man, doesn't quite realise that he's mine yet. I know that things will work out my way one way or another. I am manifesting a date for NYE although he hasn't made himself known to me yet. Next week eh?

And I've had an odd realisation during this time. Happiness is not something you find but something you create. All this time I've been waiting for it to find me... and it's something I need to make myself. To change MY way of thinking. Huge DUH moment huh? Needless to say the past couple of months have been particularly happy.

Of course except today when I've let things get to me a little bit. But I blame the full moon for my frustrations and irritations. I know it won't last long and nothing that champagne won't help.

Celebrated the 1st anniversary of M'Lord's death last month, was particularly awful and tearfilled so I won't go into it in detail. But even a year later I miss him like it was yesterday. Still haven't quite had the courage to adopt a new friend. Just not the same and I'm just not sure I can hack that connection yet. There's one particular tile, his tile, that just kills me when I look at it. As much as possible I try not to go there because when I do I just end up a howling mess. I do not look forward to the day when I lose a human.

Xmas on the way and I have more to say about that in my next post but right now the champers is kicking in and I'm losing coherency and my fingers are starting to type rubbish.... ;}

know me, broken by my master

Well just 2 more sleeps and I'm off to Melbourne. Funny because I'm sure that the last time I spoke about it I'm sure it was 48 sleeps or something like that. How time flies eh? I'm super excited and have so many plans for my 1 short week. I'm not sure I mentioned it but I'm there chiefly for the Design+Decoration trade fair and all the side shows it has and I get to exercise my free NGV ticket to the Salvador Dali exhibition. And of course to catch up with some dear friends and to make general mischief which I'm good at doing when I'm there. I just love that city. I'm not sure what it is but as soon as the plane lands I feel like I am HOME. It's a really strange feeling, that "click" that I feel. The pure and utter romance that I feel for a city. I always feel like I'm smiling too much when I'm walking round by myself, grinning like a loon. It's completely intoxicating in the way that Maria was dancing and singing The Hills Are Alive atop that mountain. That's the way that I feel about Melbourne and it's a lil perverse really. Hard to explain the love of a city the way I feel it.

So yay two more sleeps. And I'll be staying at my favourite hotel, and yes again, I have a strange yen for staying in hotels. I love the crisp white sheets even though I pull them all out and wish for a doona. I love the complimentary coffee and tea (and my fave hotel also provides complimentary bikkies which I snarf YAY) and the mini soaps and white fluffy hotel towels. Who wouldn't love to stay in hotels I ask you???? Maybe I'm just too easily pleased but bloody hell I love hotels.

I do promise to try and post stuff while I'm in my fave town but if I get seriously engrossed in my town, which does happen, I beg your forgiveness because I just may be under this town's spell.

And on a side downer note, it has unbelievably been 8 months since I had to put down my love. Funnily enough I had my Mum's cat sit on my lap last night and that's what cracked me. The fact that I hadn't had a cat sit on my lap, purring, lapping up the chin scratchies for eight months. I was OK thinking it in my head but once I voiced it to Chloe (the cat) it broke me down. Yes I know it's been 8 months but I still miss M'Lord EVERY fucking day and I just WISH that it would get easier... when does it get easier??? please someone please bloody tell me because I fear that the answer is never. I can't look at my photos of him because they make me crack. I'm sick of seeing him in the corner of my eye around the house and expecting him to be behind the front door each and every time I walk in. I miss my 'tuck in' kisses at night. Habits are hard to break..... when does it get easier I ask you?

Anyway 2 sleeps :)

Grief

Grief is a new thing to me. I've never had anyone close to me die so I've never known how to deal with it. My first experience was my beloved cat Bebe Lamb dying of kidney disease when I lived overseas in 1992. All I got was a phonecall about it so it was a little remote, I cried a little then moved on because it was easy to do that with the distance. Then, while overseas in the same place, I got news that my most favourite grandfather had passed away. I know you're not supposed to have favourites but if you knew my family you would understand. I didn't get to go to his funeral but I did visit where his ashes were scattered with my Dad when I got back and I do have a special memento of that visit and that was pretty special but again, remote.

My first funeral was with my first boyfriend for a woman I never knew but I still bawled my eyes out due to the pain that was evident in the faces of the family and friends she left behind. My second was my grandmother, my most faves wife and again I couldn't stop bawling but it wasn't so much for the loss of her but for me and all of the times we didn't have because I don't think she really liked my brother and I all that much (again, if you knew my family you'd understand). My cousins got up at the pulpit and told how Granny had made them fairy dresses and sewed their dolly some clothes etc and I never got anything except a shove out the door because her blood pressure was getting too high.

Anyway what I'm leading up to is the grief I'm feeling for the loss of M'Lord. I had to kill him two days before my birthday (November) last year and I still haven't got over it. I relive every single detail of having to do it (and I do count myself lucky that I got to hold him as they injected him with an overdose of sedative but am so sorry that it hurt him as they did it) I'm ok most of the time but then I have some major boohoo moments at least once a week when I just can't take it and I miss him SO much that it physically hurts me, I've never felt such pain. Old habits die hard and I'm so used to having him around the house and I still see him out of the corner of my eye. I've never had these feelings and the strength of them has made me a little scared of the time when I lose a human that means even half as much to me as he did. I miss absolutely everything about him and it's always the little things that kill me the most, my tuck-in kisses, greeting me at the door as I come home each and every day that and so so much more that if I type any more I'm gonna be typing each moment that meant so much and I don't want you to bore you ;}

I just hope I get to a point where I'm not 65 and not still having boohoo moments where I miss him so terribly. Surely there will come a point where I don't miss him so much? Surely?

I will be a murderer - how am I supposed to kill you?

yeah yeah I know, two posts in one month, what's going on eh?

but I'm just wondering how I can commit murder/death/kill?

Let me equate this to human terms. Say you've had a flat mate for 8 years. Now this flat mate has been pretty easy going, pretty darn cool listening to all your bullshit, being loving when he's had to, hung out when you've been low, being awesome with your friends. The occasional toilet dispute ie he's left the toilet seat up and has accidentally left a calling card but other than that he's been fantastic. Super accommodating of your faults, really loving, even pining when you've been away.

You tell me how you can look that person in the eye and kill them, make them dead, make them so that you'll never ever speak to them again, Ever. Never kiss them, hug them, speak to them again. How do you do that?

This this the problem that I'm struggling with at the moment. How do I kill my best friend in the world, the only person who's been there for me, the only one who's ever understood. How do I look him in the eye and say "that's enough for you"?

Fair enough he's got kidney disease and as far as I can tell is not doing the best, but still the same old spritely self but at the same time is not the same. How do I even make that decision? With Jack it wasn't even a question because things had dragged on for 9 months to the point where the decision was made for me but with M'Lord... how do I schedule a date for death? I know it's for his own good and all that but it doesn't make it any easier.

I keep taking photos of him and videos of him as if I'll never remember enough. The small looks and snuggles. As if the moment alone is going to fade and I'm not going to remember it. Oh boy am I struggling with this and I don't want to go the same way I did with Jack which was me hanging on to him for me - not looking at what was best for him.

I'm just wondering how I can turn myself into a willing murderer and be happy with the decision?

How am I sposed to kill him?





how?

Death sentence

Well I had a really good chat with my vet today and am feeling a bit better - don't feel like I'm going to start boohooing at the drop of a hat at least. Luckily I'm blessed with an extremely good vet, Fiona, who is very understanding and patient. The urinalysis has come back and is showing that my beast is in the middle stages of kidney disease and isn't in Chronic Renal Failure (CRF) but Renal Insufficiency (RI). He's now on a special low protien, low phosphorus diet. He had his first meal of it tonight and he seems to like it so we'll see how it goes. Unfortunately it means none of his favourite dried liver or dried sprat treats which I think hurts me more than him as I love how berko he goes for his treaties, spins round and round in circles til I give it to him.

So I've got a lot of reading to do as I want to know everything about it and of course I asked her the dreaded question "how long does he have?" Basically it can be anywhere between 6 months to 18 months, maybe more. He needs to be retested every 3-6 months to track how he's going. But ultimately there's going to come a day when he's going to start to decline and when that day comes I'm going to have to make a hard decision. It's going to be really difficult not to think about that now that I know the timeframe. I think I'm going to have to put it all in the back of my mind until that time because once I start thinking about the little things I just work myself up into a proper howling fit. And if I don't I'm just not going to be able to cope until that time. Let just say that he's going to be one smooched on beast until that time.

Unfortunately this changes all of my plans to move as it's best not to stress him out as that can send his levels through the roof and progress it all. Then again I couldn't make a decision either way so perhaps it's the universe working in it's mysterious ways again. Anyway everything is on hold until he goes and I spose after that I'm going to want a change because I can't bear the thought of being here in this house without him.

It's funny how this year is turning out. The major message seems to be don't take things for granted and be thankful for what you have because you might not have them for long. I think I need to actively start counting my blessings on a daily basis and I'm going to start a paper diary and list things every night. But take a leaf folks, hug your friends and family and smooch your pets like there's no tomorrow.

* today's pic looks kinda random but it was one of the results when I googled 'death sentence' , I'm not really sure what it means religiously but I liked the tragedy of it - The Martyrdom of St. Mathew', by Caravaggio, ca.1599, Contarelli Chapel, San Luigi dei Francesi, Rome.

heartbroken

Well my worst fears have been confirmed. My beast has been diagnosed with kidney disease. He's still got to have another test to determine how bad it is and I'm absolutely devastated. I haven't really been able to tell anyone about it because I can't help crying every time I even think about it and I'm one of those people who doesn't like to cry in front of anyone but my closest friends. dumb huh

What am I going to do without him? I love him more than I've loved some of my ex boyfriends. He's the one light in my life, my constant shadow, and makes coming home worthwhile. My house is going to feel so empty without him there constantly buffing my legs to a high sheen. And of course at the moment it's just the little things that kill me. I was sitting on the couch with him on my lap last night, having a little boohoo, and he has this odd habit whenever I cry. He frantically head-bonks me as if he's trying to wipe away my tears with his fuzzy face. Does it to me without fail whenever I cry. Funny beast, just made me cry harder. Almost like he's saying "I'm not dead yet, silly".

My last cat was sick for 9 months before I had to put him down and it was 9 months of pure heartache. I feel really selfish and guilty when I say this but I don't want to go through that again. I really don't but the thought of deciding on his death date just rips me apart. Depending on the test results its either a matter of months or it could be a year or two. I don't know which option is worse. In a way sooner is better because I'm always going to be thinking about it and I don't want to prolong his life if it's not going to be quality life but at the same time it's going to be so hard to live without him. I'm happy to spend whatever it takes if it's going to be worthwhile. I guess at the moment I just need to wait and see what these test results say and cherish every moment I can.

Gotta stop now, I'm out of tissues ;]