Hi

'member me? I've been hiding because I thought I'd accidentally revealed myself to someone in real life and I couldn't risk it. Dumb huh... Yeah I'm paranoid like that but if you knew what I did you'd be panicking too. Anyhoo I haven't been unmasked and I'm back.

You know it feels as if a year or so has gone by since we last spoke. Too much has happened in real life for it to only be the span of a couple of months. Total chaos and destruction at work, I'm now averaging 9-10 hours a day and then resisting (somewhat unsuccessfully) the urge to to stuff at home and then for the cherry on top, dreaming about work. As if I didn't get enough during the waking hours. I really don't know what to do about it all because in a way this is what I asked for. Well not exactly. I asked to be in the role that I'm in but I certainly didn't ask to be involved in the office politics and have people that I once admired and respected stab me and my team in the back so viciously. I can't express how disappointing that is. The worst part is that I can't confront the person because they don't know that I know. It's been an interesting introduction to the tricky manuvering that is office politics. I've been blessed to have never been involved until now. But luckily for me I'm on the right side so I can see which way the tide is turning and it's a good thing I believe in karma... Oh well just gotta grin and bear it. There is a light at the end of the tunnel and I just hope that I have the strength and perseverence to see it.

My personal life has hit new lows and I've had a couple of realisations. The first of which stemmed from an observation someone made of me "You use work to escape reality, don't you?". At the time I said no but that question kept buzzing around in my head and I had to admit that yes, yes I do. Kinda catch 22 because the thing that drives me crazy is also my distraction.

The second realisation which kinda stems from the first is that I've been trying to plug a round hole in me with square pegs. (and no not that hole) I've been trying to make myself happy/satisfied with first drugs, then alcohol, then food and now shopping (I have an eBay addiction at the moment). None of which satisfy that itch for very long. The sad thing is that I don't know what will satisfy it because I don't really know what the hole is. Yes I'm lonely and in a way I hate to admit that and I don't like the thought that having someone in my life is the round peg. Something inside me rebels against that notion because surely I should be able to make myself happy and not be reliant on another human being to make that happen? But when I look at what I've been doing to myself I can't help but wonder.

And if having someone in my life isn't the solution then what is? What makes you happy? Not just temporarily happy which is what I've been doing with drugs, alcohol, food and now shopping? Full time, once and for all, forever happy. Is that actually possible? I'm just sick of feeling like I'm missing something, like an amputee with phantom limb pain.

In the grand scheme of things I have all the peripheral things that I need. I'm alive, I have great health, my family is healthy, I have a great job, house, car and money to get whatever I need. So all of this and I'm still not happy. I'm not really a spiritual person in that I don't believe in God per se (I believe in the Universe but thats another discussion for another time) so that's not my answer. I do charitable works and try to help my fellow man. So what else....? What is the answer? This is going to be my quest for a while and to be honest with you I don't really know where to start.

I'll keep you posted.

But to leave you on a good note, weight loss total so far 42kgs (that's 92 pounds for you backwards folk - no wonder you have issues... 92 seems like such a big number, guess it is huh) 20ish kgs to go til my goal weight which is just a fraction over the BMI weight. Yay me.