Crossroads

Well yes I am alive and haven't been kidnapped by an arab prince and being held hostage in a harem against my will. I've returned in one piece but... words just don't even begin to describe the pure and utter hell that has been my life since my return. If I didn't have a mortgage and require money to buy food and pay the bills I would have quit my job 100 times over during the last couple of weeks. I thought it was pretty bad before I left but magnify that by about 1 brazillion and you're somewhere near the vicinity.

Let's just say that I'm looking for a new job. But at the same time I had a very inspiring conversation with someone I haven't seen in a very long time which has inspired me to get my act together and get my own business up and running. I've decided on a business name and started working on my business plan... The main thing that got me started was her saying " You work for 11 hours a day, you come home and still think about work (or do a little extra work) then can't sleep because you're thinking about work, then wake up during the night drafting emails or dreaming about work - imagine channeling the energy you're putting into a job you hate into a job you love? Imagine what you could achieve?" So fucking true....

So I'm looking for a job that I like but will afford me time to get my business up and running on the side. And yes I've been channeling that energy into the right spot.... watch this space.

I know I should give you an update on the whole Benji thing but let me sum it up by saying "He's just not that into me". Had a brilliant time on my trip, no fucking brilliant time on my trip but my secret mission was a failure. C'est la vie folks. Live and learn right?

and I REALLY missed my cat... also sad but true ;}

S is for stress

I really wonder about myself sometimes. I don't know if it's just because I'm feeling really tired and crappy or whether I'm just having a what the fuck am I doing moment. It always seems like so much to take when I feel so low. Work's fucked, overwhelming and all consuming. Another 11 and a half hour day today YUCK. Sorta had an argument with the only person I can talk to and now I'm having a why the hell am I doing this moment. What is the answer?????

42 isn't it? isn't that the answer to life, the universe and everything?

Anyway I'm not going to have a bitch and moan session today because it's just the same old bullshit said 5 different ways so dig into the archives if you want to. I just wish that I had some answers to these reoccurring questions. Well clearly they're reoccurring because I haven't found any answers yet because they're still bugging me and are still unresolved. Partly unresolved at the moment because work is sucking my soul. I have no friends, no hobbies, I have no time for me, no time for anything but work. I even dream about work and wake up at 3am thinking about things I haven't done or drafting emails. Yes yes yes I know it's called stress. I want a new job but at the same time I love the status of my job and I'm scared to leave my comfort zone. But the fucking insane hours are just getting to me. It worries me that if I did have a normal 9 to 5 job that once the shock clears that I'll be faced with the pitiful shriveled excuse that I call my life and I'll be forced to confront it. Sad, so sad. At least now intense work is a convenient excuse.

I know what I want but I don't know how to get it. Sadly what I want is to settle down and have a baby. I never, EVER thought I'd hear myself say that or even feel close to ready to be wanting that but that's what I want. I want a nice man, I want to share a life and create a life. Hell I'm not getting any younger so I need to do it soon. I don't know if it's just a romantic view that I have of this little scenario but right now, at this point in time in my life that's what I want. There's all sorts of side fantasies like buying a house together, renovating it and blah de blah that go along with this but I have a sneaking suspicion that I could get bored of domestic bliss and would probably go back to work part time anyway. Don't think I'd have a problem with that really. I feel really pathetic writing that, like it's shameful to want domestic bliss and I really don't know why I feel that. I don't know if I've ingrained the "independent career woman" image into my brain which is why I feel like I'm going against that... who knows.

Anyway I think I'm going to feel a lot better about things after my little holiday. Apart from hopefully resolving some of my Benji obsession one way or another and relaxing away from work, I hoping to get some clarity on what the fuck I'm doing with my life and where the hell am I going. Nothing like a bit of travel to give you perspective. Hell I might fall in love with some awesome canuck and never come back.

We shall see.

Hoppy birdy two ewes

Well it's the eve of my birthday so time for a little reflection on the past year. Firstly I was wrong about my year cycle last year. I was in a year one this year not a year 5. I calculated it wrong. And boy does it make some sense now (click here to read what a numerological year 1 is all about) . This year I've shifted a lot of weight, both physically and mentally. I've let go of a lot and hopefully made room for new things to come in. The main theme this year was governed by the phrase "It is not easy to eliminate a dependency if you don’t know its emotional cause. Knowing the emotional reason for a dependency makes it much easier to understand and leave behind." and I've discovered quite a lot about myself by attempting that.

Interestingly there is a new moon on my birthday. New moons are a great time for manifesting new things to come into your life. So for my birthday wish for the next year I wish for three things:

1) a boyfriend
2) good friends
3) a new job

Those three things are the key to my happiness at the moment. It's pretty simple really:

1) I need to love and be loved
2) I need more fun and laughter in my life and have someone I can ring when I need to talk.
3) this one is a tricky one as it comes with a lot of guilt, sadness and fear. I've been with the same company for 10 years but today I decided that it's time for a change. I looked at the employment pages and was actually excited by the prospects. I'll be really sad to leave as I know just about everyone in the organisation and it really is a great place to work despite all the shitola that's been going on. Not to blow my own horn but they're going to be in trouble when I leave which gives me the guilts. I know I'm not irreplaceable but there is a lot of corporate knowledge in my head which will leave them in the lurch. And good luck to my replacement for reasons I can't explain for the dooce factor. I'll be breaking out of my comfort zone and that's always scary but at the same time exhilarating.

All in all I'm excited by the coming year and what feels like a fresh start, bring on Year 2. I received this in my inbox today and it kinds sums it all up for me:

> This is one of the big power portals of the solar year, the
> mid-point between the September Equinox and December Solstice, a
> bubbling cauldron of possibilities fueled by Scorpio's promise of
> transcendence. Death. Communion. Rebirth. The phoenix rises from the
> ashes of its former self. We are reborn with the Scorpio New Moon on
> November 9.

And because I love it so much I'll leave you with my birthday toad. That was me last year but this year, not so much. Hoppy birdy to me and I love you all.

me me me, duh!

Coupla things because of course real life is getting in the way as usual....

In the quest for happiness I've pilfered a coupla ebooks from a friend of mine and am currently reading "How to make anyone fall in love with you" and "100 Action principles".... interesting to say the least. Some stuff I knew some stuff I didn't. Happy to share it with other tormented folks out there, just email me.

And with the impending anniversary of my birth approaching next week (9/11 so no one can forget) I bought my big prezzie to myself (last year it was the camera, previous year the laptop (aka porn machine)) a little early ... yep I've succumbed to the siren song (harhar) of the iPod. I splurged on the 80GB classic (yet to be named, it's black so I'm leaning towards Jet or Sooty) so I've been having fun loading all my cds and mp3s and I've cracked the 20GB mark already and I've only loaded half of my cd collection. And damn that iTunes thing is smart! It recognises burnt cds and bootleg recordings that I really didn't expect it to return track results for. Did manage to stump it on a burnt copy of Powderfinger's Parables for Wooden ears (a must for anyone's collection by the way. AWESOME cd that one). Fiddled around with videos tonight trying to convert the blasted things to play on Jet and found a half decent free format converter but for some reason it doesn't always play on Sooty even though I can see it clearly in iTunes. Oh well, trust me, I'll work it out.

Yeah nah I like Sooty better than Jet. Sooty it is. Pics to follow later ;}

And now that blogger has added the little icon for Add Video I'm tempted to do a little video blog... for someone who is trying to remain anonymous it's a tad incongruous but I think it'd be mad. We'll see, your opinions welcome of course.

Dr Phil and Oprah say.....

Where else do you start on a quest for happiness and fulfillment but Oprah and Dr Phil. While I haven't explored the Dr Phil site fully I did have a squizz at the ole Oprah site and did one of a multitude of quizzes and got the below result:

THE "WHAT ARE YOU HIDING?" QUIZ RESULTS
You're repressing a considerable amount of emotion and information, and this affects your daily life in negative ways. You sometimes behave irresponsibly, or even destructively, at work and in relationships. You could benefit from reading psychology or self-help books that interest you, and therapy would be enormously helpful.

Great so I'm a fucking psycho now eh? Niiiice.

There were another couple of enlightening nuggets that I'll share with you next time because I've come to realise a few more things while reading all that self improvement stuff on Oprah. In the last rambling episode I listed the things that I already have in life and notably absent from that list was "good friends". I've lost a lot of friends because of that stoopid pot addiction I had (or as a result of quitting but that's not such a bad thing because they're friends I didn't need). But now I find myself two and a bit years sober and no one to share my life with. Neither friends or a love interest.

So it's quite possible that that is the hole. That I need to share my life or feel like I belong somewhere, be a part of something. Not that there's a whole bunch of exciting things to share at the moment but it would be nice to be able to ring a friend up and have a good bitch session or just talk about whats going on. I have friends I could ring up but unfortunately I'm a good and loyal listener and it seems that over the years I've trained my friends into talking about their problems and not listening to mine. I could start off with my problems but eventually it'll turn to a their problemfest with me sitting there thinking "anyway, back to me..." and wondering why I'm wasting my breath. I'm always there for people but now that I turn around and look for someone to be there for me I find no one.

It'd be nice to come home and have someone ask "how was your day" or hug me for 2 minutes and not say anything. Apart from all the other highs, lows and sexy parts that come with a relationship I think I just need to be in one. Does that make me one of those people who can't be alone? It's an odd thought to me considering that I've been on my own for so long but have been so unhappy while being alone. I'll have to ponder that a while longer and get back to you.

And quite frankly I'm bored. I'm bored with my job, bored with the lack of fun in my life, bored bored bored. I need to say yes more instead of no.

So to sum up my discoveries today, I need new friends, quality friends. I'm lonely and want a partner, I'm bored, need a new job and need some fun. Yay... so now I know all that how the hell do I tackle all that crap..... one step at a time eh?

Hi

'member me? I've been hiding because I thought I'd accidentally revealed myself to someone in real life and I couldn't risk it. Dumb huh... Yeah I'm paranoid like that but if you knew what I did you'd be panicking too. Anyhoo I haven't been unmasked and I'm back.

You know it feels as if a year or so has gone by since we last spoke. Too much has happened in real life for it to only be the span of a couple of months. Total chaos and destruction at work, I'm now averaging 9-10 hours a day and then resisting (somewhat unsuccessfully) the urge to to stuff at home and then for the cherry on top, dreaming about work. As if I didn't get enough during the waking hours. I really don't know what to do about it all because in a way this is what I asked for. Well not exactly. I asked to be in the role that I'm in but I certainly didn't ask to be involved in the office politics and have people that I once admired and respected stab me and my team in the back so viciously. I can't express how disappointing that is. The worst part is that I can't confront the person because they don't know that I know. It's been an interesting introduction to the tricky manuvering that is office politics. I've been blessed to have never been involved until now. But luckily for me I'm on the right side so I can see which way the tide is turning and it's a good thing I believe in karma... Oh well just gotta grin and bear it. There is a light at the end of the tunnel and I just hope that I have the strength and perseverence to see it.

My personal life has hit new lows and I've had a couple of realisations. The first of which stemmed from an observation someone made of me "You use work to escape reality, don't you?". At the time I said no but that question kept buzzing around in my head and I had to admit that yes, yes I do. Kinda catch 22 because the thing that drives me crazy is also my distraction.

The second realisation which kinda stems from the first is that I've been trying to plug a round hole in me with square pegs. (and no not that hole) I've been trying to make myself happy/satisfied with first drugs, then alcohol, then food and now shopping (I have an eBay addiction at the moment). None of which satisfy that itch for very long. The sad thing is that I don't know what will satisfy it because I don't really know what the hole is. Yes I'm lonely and in a way I hate to admit that and I don't like the thought that having someone in my life is the round peg. Something inside me rebels against that notion because surely I should be able to make myself happy and not be reliant on another human being to make that happen? But when I look at what I've been doing to myself I can't help but wonder.

And if having someone in my life isn't the solution then what is? What makes you happy? Not just temporarily happy which is what I've been doing with drugs, alcohol, food and now shopping? Full time, once and for all, forever happy. Is that actually possible? I'm just sick of feeling like I'm missing something, like an amputee with phantom limb pain.

In the grand scheme of things I have all the peripheral things that I need. I'm alive, I have great health, my family is healthy, I have a great job, house, car and money to get whatever I need. So all of this and I'm still not happy. I'm not really a spiritual person in that I don't believe in God per se (I believe in the Universe but thats another discussion for another time) so that's not my answer. I do charitable works and try to help my fellow man. So what else....? What is the answer? This is going to be my quest for a while and to be honest with you I don't really know where to start.

I'll keep you posted.

But to leave you on a good note, weight loss total so far 42kgs (that's 92 pounds for you backwards folk - no wonder you have issues... 92 seems like such a big number, guess it is huh) 20ish kgs to go til my goal weight which is just a fraction over the BMI weight. Yay me.