heartbroken

Well my worst fears have been confirmed. My beast has been diagnosed with kidney disease. He's still got to have another test to determine how bad it is and I'm absolutely devastated. I haven't really been able to tell anyone about it because I can't help crying every time I even think about it and I'm one of those people who doesn't like to cry in front of anyone but my closest friends. dumb huh

What am I going to do without him? I love him more than I've loved some of my ex boyfriends. He's the one light in my life, my constant shadow, and makes coming home worthwhile. My house is going to feel so empty without him there constantly buffing my legs to a high sheen. And of course at the moment it's just the little things that kill me. I was sitting on the couch with him on my lap last night, having a little boohoo, and he has this odd habit whenever I cry. He frantically head-bonks me as if he's trying to wipe away my tears with his fuzzy face. Does it to me without fail whenever I cry. Funny beast, just made me cry harder. Almost like he's saying "I'm not dead yet, silly".

My last cat was sick for 9 months before I had to put him down and it was 9 months of pure heartache. I feel really selfish and guilty when I say this but I don't want to go through that again. I really don't but the thought of deciding on his death date just rips me apart. Depending on the test results its either a matter of months or it could be a year or two. I don't know which option is worse. In a way sooner is better because I'm always going to be thinking about it and I don't want to prolong his life if it's not going to be quality life but at the same time it's going to be so hard to live without him. I'm happy to spend whatever it takes if it's going to be worthwhile. I guess at the moment I just need to wait and see what these test results say and cherish every moment I can.

Gotta stop now, I'm out of tissues ;]