Not so much an Epiphany part 2 but you'll get the jist [aka Roger that]

I'm treading on shaky ground right now and I know it. I know it and I can't help myself. I've mentioned before that I have this friend, Roger. Roger and I get on like a house on fire, more like an inferno really. We seriously click on so many levels it's just not funny. The hitch? He is firmly attached to a lovely lady. And to a lesser extent he has two teenage boys from a previous marriage whom he has custody of. Big hitch huh.

He's made it pretty damn clear that he's interested in me and I've made it crystal clear to him that while he's attached it is NEVER going to happen. I can say that with 100% certainty after the whole last butthead episode which I'll go into another time. But needless to say that I was cheated on in the worst way and I never EVER want to make anyone feel the way I've been feeling. There's just no way that my conscience will let me do it so it's not even an option.

I wish to dog that I didn't feel like that, this afternoon... I really do. I wish I could compromise my own morals. I've been practically talking to him all day. He came to vist me today [did I mention that he works where I do?] before lunch and stayed for an hours chat with me and Chip. Then this afternoon I get an email saying "didn't see you at lunch" so I asked him if he was going to shout me a coffee and he said "No I want you to come visit". So I did... 2 and a half hours later it was time to go home. It seemed like half an hour. I could [and have] talk to him for hours. I hate that he's unavailable to me. Hate it. A lot.

I don't know whether I feel like this about him because a) I can't have him b) because we get on so well or c) I'm just lonely and horny or d) because he inflates my ego e) that he was jealous about my funboy stalker the other week [which I really like - the fact that he was jealous not funboy].

It's nice to be wanted. In the grand scheme of things I don't know if I could have a relationship with him because I don't 99% trust him. He's attached and I know of the way that he speaks to me. If he was mine there is no way in hell that I'd want him speaking to another woman the way he speaks to me. Hell no. But at the same time I can't make myself stop talking to him. He's just so interesting to talk to. And I console myself with the fact that we're just talking... just talking dammit.

The other thing that's bothering me is that I have the opportunity to see my first real love on Sunday. A flashback from the past and while a part of me is desperate to see him again and find out what he's up to there's another part of me that screams OH HELL NOOOO!!! I know I probably won't go [because I'm a chicken] but I think I like to toy with the idea of seeing him again. More like torturing mself. I hate that I still care for him 10 years later. fuckwit. *sigh* again, another story for another time.

In the end the one that loves me the most is my black beast - just kills me when I'm sitting here typing and he's on a cushion next to me, staring at me, and just puts a little paw on my leg as if to say "Oi, I'm here y'know - you really should pet me now!" little shit. :]