Heartbroken or smashed illusions?

Had my heart smashed to smithereens this afternoon.

Perhaps I'm overreacting, doesn't feel like it right now this very second though.

Had a long chat to Benji today, I know, I know, I haven't written about him in a while and I have my reasons. Anyhoo I was slobbering all over him talking to him today and he mentioned that he's looking to work overseas with a friend of ours who moved about 2 years ago.

ugh.

There was a second there that my heart lurched and stopped. It actually stopped beating.

I just don't know how to feel now. This is the guy that I want to marry and spend the rest of my life with. I want him to be the father of my child. heheh of course he doesn't know this, hell I've never actually felt this way about a guy before. I know that he was never mine to begin with so really I haven't lost anything but.. but... I can't help thinking about all the what ifs. I'm the Queen of what ifs. Don't make me list them for you.

Because I live in fantasyland half the time my fantasy that I tell him how I feel and he tells me he loves me too and wants me to come with him comes to fruition. My first thought was not that I would miss my friends and family. Oh no, my heart wrench was over leaving my cat. That would break my heart the most. Fuckin pathetic. I guess it's because I can email and phone to communicate my family and friends, my cat I can't. It really wrenches my heart to think about leaving him here, not being able to smooch his fuzzy face. It's funny how firmly that black beast has wormed himself inside my heart. Hello, stoopid! Wake up outta fantasyland. Geez getting worked up over nothing.

Part two of my fantasyland experiance was to check out the place where he's thinking to go... I could get a job there... there are jobs available that I could do. I could easily live there [except for it's so fucking hot but hullo... I live in Australia. It's fuckin hot here.] Again, fuckin psycho, wake up out of fantasyland... dammit.

I know I could probably never have him in real life but I don't like the idea of giving up on the idea [what ifs included]. I think that deep down I am an optimist and all those what ifs bolster my hope. Is it better to have false hope than no hope at all? I wonder...

All those past hurts are coming flooding back and I think thank god I caught myself in time... or did I considering I'm sitting here crying. My girlfriends are saying that I should confess my love but if the love was mutual I would know about it. I wouldn't have to confess it, I would already know about it. I've had a few excellent examples of that theory recently via other people and I guess that yes I am a chicken but I know that if I did confess that it would make no difference. I wish it would have another affect other than making our friendship awkward.

*sigh*

It just all feels so damn hopeless sometimes.


This post was brought to you by the letters V for vodka and L for lemon flavoured mineral water. *sigh* I'm just a sucker with a lump in my throat.