S is for stress

I really wonder about myself sometimes. I don't know if it's just because I'm feeling really tired and crappy or whether I'm just having a what the fuck am I doing moment. It always seems like so much to take when I feel so low. Work's fucked, overwhelming and all consuming. Another 11 and a half hour day today YUCK. Sorta had an argument with the only person I can talk to and now I'm having a why the hell am I doing this moment. What is the answer?????

42 isn't it? isn't that the answer to life, the universe and everything?

Anyway I'm not going to have a bitch and moan session today because it's just the same old bullshit said 5 different ways so dig into the archives if you want to. I just wish that I had some answers to these reoccurring questions. Well clearly they're reoccurring because I haven't found any answers yet because they're still bugging me and are still unresolved. Partly unresolved at the moment because work is sucking my soul. I have no friends, no hobbies, I have no time for me, no time for anything but work. I even dream about work and wake up at 3am thinking about things I haven't done or drafting emails. Yes yes yes I know it's called stress. I want a new job but at the same time I love the status of my job and I'm scared to leave my comfort zone. But the fucking insane hours are just getting to me. It worries me that if I did have a normal 9 to 5 job that once the shock clears that I'll be faced with the pitiful shriveled excuse that I call my life and I'll be forced to confront it. Sad, so sad. At least now intense work is a convenient excuse.

I know what I want but I don't know how to get it. Sadly what I want is to settle down and have a baby. I never, EVER thought I'd hear myself say that or even feel close to ready to be wanting that but that's what I want. I want a nice man, I want to share a life and create a life. Hell I'm not getting any younger so I need to do it soon. I don't know if it's just a romantic view that I have of this little scenario but right now, at this point in time in my life that's what I want. There's all sorts of side fantasies like buying a house together, renovating it and blah de blah that go along with this but I have a sneaking suspicion that I could get bored of domestic bliss and would probably go back to work part time anyway. Don't think I'd have a problem with that really. I feel really pathetic writing that, like it's shameful to want domestic bliss and I really don't know why I feel that. I don't know if I've ingrained the "independent career woman" image into my brain which is why I feel like I'm going against that... who knows.

Anyway I think I'm going to feel a lot better about things after my little holiday. Apart from hopefully resolving some of my Benji obsession one way or another and relaxing away from work, I hoping to get some clarity on what the fuck I'm doing with my life and where the hell am I going. Nothing like a bit of travel to give you perspective. Hell I might fall in love with some awesome canuck and never come back.

We shall see.