fer farks sake

I've burnt myself three times in the last week, twice on the oven rack, once on the iron... geez. Conclusion - ironing is bad for your health!

anyhoo... allow me to update you with all the fascinating things that have been happening in my life because I realise it's been a while since my last post...

First of all, and I guess most importantly of all I've changed work teams - this means that I've lost half my minions (which is a good thing as it's the most time and stress intensive minions that I've lost) and I now have my own personal bulldog for a boss. He's complicated but better than the last. This doesn't mean that I'm going to stay any longer than I'd planned but just means that the remaining time is less painful. Still madly applying for jobs to get the hell out off the sinking ship.

Secondly I'm back out there, y'know on the market. I've gone on two dates, both with unsuitable guys but it's the thought that counts right? the fact that I'm out there right? Additionally Asshole1, the one that really killed me is kinda back in my life. BUT and I capitalise that, BUT it's as my friend because I've kinda had a revelation that it's not him that I've got the shits at but it's myself. Ultimately all he can give me is either an apology or an admission and I want neither from him. He's all of a sudden, wanted to come over twice so far (and is wrangling for a third time) but hasn't pulled his usual shit so dunno what the go is there. I was expecting him to pull something last time but he didn't so...? I was going to use it as an excuse to have "the conversation" with him but realised the above. That basically it's me that I have the shits with, not him. That I'm angry at myself for fooling myself and falling for his bullshit and glossing over those alarmbells that rang instead of asking questions when I should of. Fuck it's only taken me 10+ years to realise that... better late than never huh? ;} Just sucks that we've clicked right back into old times like nothing has ever happened and get on so well. Problem is that I can never EVER trust him again despite how charming and fucking hot he is. I'd never be able to be comfortable with him, never be able to relax. Which makes me wonder what he wants from me. It's not his style to just, all of a sudden, be friends. And this is how it all started between us in the first place, just hanging out, chattin bout music... So we'll see, he's got some DVDs of mine and wants to return them sometime this week so maybe it's just friends, maybe it's not. I'll keep ya posted.

But that being said I've decided that within 2 years I'm having a baby. So I'm looking for breeders and this whole date thing, hasn't helped. Just have to keep lookin without having that reeking cologne of desperation on me...

And for those of you who haven't seen Wolf Creek... go and watch it now... maybe... finally got around to watching it this weekend and holy fuck it really doesn't pull any punches... wowsers.

thats enough for now, enjoy.

Now I'm back here down on Earth

I am officially a business owner.

My business name registration came through on Friday.

AND I have a date with an actual nice guy. Well I think he's nice... uh yep it's a semi blind date. I've swapped photos with him, talked to him on the phone and via email but not met him face to face yet. So we'll see. Not meeting him til next week so I'll report back on him then.

But the business.... am getting my website together, working on my logo etc, already have my business plan finalised. Still trying to get used to the idea that I'm a business owner. In a way it doesn't mean much right now as I'm still in the planning phase and haven't actually had a client yet but am working on that. Still madly working 11 hour days in the meantime. Good thing I don't sleep otherwise I'd never get anything done har har.

And a funny aside, the weather today on Today was broadcast from Dundas Square in Toronto. Stood in the exact spot that the chick was standing, minus the snow and icy wind of course. Toronto rocks by the way :D

I keep waking up and thinking it's Saturday and I can roll over and go back to sleep - don't you hate that...

Incandescent with rage

Today was the last straw. No really, I can't even begin to describe the day I've had but that's it. I'm out. They're lucky I only have 2 days to go before I'm on leave because I came close to resigning on the spot twice today. I realise I'm just mentally and physically tired exhausted and I have a mortgage and a fur-kid so when I get back from my vacay I'm looking for another job in earnest. Fuck them. Fuck them hard.

I was so fuckin angry today that I couldn't speak. And for me that's a rarity cuz I can talk the birds out of the trees. I've only had that happen to me 2 other times in my life but we won't go there right now. I've been given "help" in an underhanded guise that is only going to create more work for me and have been told I have to love the opportunity or never complain about the workload again if I reject it so basically I have no choice in the matter. Oh they're trying to put a nice positive spin on it but I just wanted scream at them to shut their fucking faces and they can take their spin and stick it. I'm not fucking stoopid, I know a whitewash when I see one.

It was funny how my rage transcended into a form serenity afterwards. I don't know if it was serenity or just disbelief at the whole ridiculous situation but I got real calm. Actually now that I think about it it was probably relief because a) I've got 2 days til I'm on leave and b) when I get I'm getting the FUCK outta there!

Today's post was brought to you by the word fuck, just in case you didn't notice...

S is for stress

I really wonder about myself sometimes. I don't know if it's just because I'm feeling really tired and crappy or whether I'm just having a what the fuck am I doing moment. It always seems like so much to take when I feel so low. Work's fucked, overwhelming and all consuming. Another 11 and a half hour day today YUCK. Sorta had an argument with the only person I can talk to and now I'm having a why the hell am I doing this moment. What is the answer?????

42 isn't it? isn't that the answer to life, the universe and everything?

Anyway I'm not going to have a bitch and moan session today because it's just the same old bullshit said 5 different ways so dig into the archives if you want to. I just wish that I had some answers to these reoccurring questions. Well clearly they're reoccurring because I haven't found any answers yet because they're still bugging me and are still unresolved. Partly unresolved at the moment because work is sucking my soul. I have no friends, no hobbies, I have no time for me, no time for anything but work. I even dream about work and wake up at 3am thinking about things I haven't done or drafting emails. Yes yes yes I know it's called stress. I want a new job but at the same time I love the status of my job and I'm scared to leave my comfort zone. But the fucking insane hours are just getting to me. It worries me that if I did have a normal 9 to 5 job that once the shock clears that I'll be faced with the pitiful shriveled excuse that I call my life and I'll be forced to confront it. Sad, so sad. At least now intense work is a convenient excuse.

I know what I want but I don't know how to get it. Sadly what I want is to settle down and have a baby. I never, EVER thought I'd hear myself say that or even feel close to ready to be wanting that but that's what I want. I want a nice man, I want to share a life and create a life. Hell I'm not getting any younger so I need to do it soon. I don't know if it's just a romantic view that I have of this little scenario but right now, at this point in time in my life that's what I want. There's all sorts of side fantasies like buying a house together, renovating it and blah de blah that go along with this but I have a sneaking suspicion that I could get bored of domestic bliss and would probably go back to work part time anyway. Don't think I'd have a problem with that really. I feel really pathetic writing that, like it's shameful to want domestic bliss and I really don't know why I feel that. I don't know if I've ingrained the "independent career woman" image into my brain which is why I feel like I'm going against that... who knows.

Anyway I think I'm going to feel a lot better about things after my little holiday. Apart from hopefully resolving some of my Benji obsession one way or another and relaxing away from work, I hoping to get some clarity on what the fuck I'm doing with my life and where the hell am I going. Nothing like a bit of travel to give you perspective. Hell I might fall in love with some awesome canuck and never come back.

We shall see.

The story of my life....

Why, why, WHY do I do this to myself? Have I or have I not been bitching and moaning about how crap my job is for the last however long and now that I have an interview for a job somewhere else I'm toying with the idea of staying put. Mainly because the course I did last week has actually made me excited about my work again. Is it self sabotage? Comfortzone-itis? Fear of the unknown? Fuck I don't know but I'm driving myself nuts with the to-ing and fro-ing. Really fuckin annoying! Guess I probably have to actually get the other job before I start thinking about it all but... I'm one for thinking ahead. And I know I'll get it. Just know it. AAARRGGHHH!!! Just wish I knew what the answer is. *sigh*

On the plus side I got an email from Benji this morning telling me I can sleep in his room and he will sleep on the couch... I'm going to leave it there because I know you know what I'm thinking. But I'm not going to let him do that, I'm happy to sleep on the couch as it would just be too... too pleasurably perverse for me to sleep in his bed.

I dunno if it's the pending full moon but everything seems to be happening at once again. Hate that manic cycle...

Oh and I can't count... it's not 30 days to go from last post... It's 31 days to go as of today, can you say keen? ;}

Holy crap!

When things start to move, they start to move! Worked out that I've got 30 days til I leave, how does that work? I was pretty sure that it was 5-6 weeks away but all of a sudden it's 30 days. Can't wait to travel and scarily enough I'm really looking forward to the actual travel part of it, hanging round in airports etc. I'm sure I'll get over that pretty quickly ;} I keep swinging between being really excited and wondering what the hell I'm doing. Excited about the trip and all the fun things I've got planned but apprehensive about the Benji side of things. BUT I'm manifesting a positive outcome. I've locked it in with the Universe and there's that little part of me that's telling me I'm doing the right thing. I trust my gut instinct as it usually proves me right and deep down I know that I'm doing the right thing. I just need to trust. But wowsers, scary! It's a big leap but I'm a-leapin, I'm a-leapin!

This week I've been on a 3 day course that I've wanted to do for a long time. It's a bit of a certification stepping stone to other things and I'm finding it a lot easier than I thought I would. Not only is it an interesting course but the presenter is pretty interesting as well, she's studying quantum physics in her spare time and a lot of what she was saying sounds like The Secret. But it's put me in a certain frame of mind with the whole Benji thing so I'm focusing on manifesting a positive outcome rather than a negative. No sense in self sabotaging!

And then... I got a request for interview for that job I applied for! Next Thursday's the big day... not quite sure what to think yet as I'm too tired and my brain isn't working for it all to sink in yet. I'm nervous and excited at the same time (can you see a trend?). Interesting timing if it does come to fruition as times they are a-changing... There's just so much going on in my head it's hard to articulate it all without rambling on too much. And besides, Lost is about to start and I need my long awaited Sawyer fix.... mmmmm Sawyer....

the stars are aligned

My horoscope for this week:

A change of residence or around family members is indicated for many Scorps in association with the solar eclipse of Feb 7, which may be associated with a new career path. The changes being made are for the best and bring many benefits with them. Travel or better education may be part of the deal.


Apart from the bad engrish I'm hoping it means that I get a call on Thursday asking me to come in for an interview for the job I applied for last monday. Funny but it's in the travel sector. Please mean that... please.

I'm so unsatisfied with just about everything in my life. I'm annoyingly restless and can't keep my mind on anything. I have a feeling that I won't be traveling overseas as planned, haven't heard from Benji or anyone else I want to catch up with so it looks like Plan B - spend 2 weeks in Melbourne. Really, really, really can't stand work at the moment (words don't even come close), my friends are being shallow, I'm stoopidly in love with a man who doesn't know I exist, I can't work out what I'm doing with my life and the list goes on... the only thing I am happy with is my weight. 3 kilos away from my goal and the end to this madness is in sight. Although I did have a major chocolate binge on the weekend in the pit of my despair and before you gimme the lecture about undoing all my hard work, I know I know... bite me.

I'm annoyed at being annoyed, I seem to go round and round in circles with this dissatisfaction thing and I'm just not coming up with the answer. I think one of the main things that has come to light for me in the last month is that I need to get away from my current employment. It's overtaking my life in that I can't sleep, I'm drafting emails and thinking of the things I didn't manage to get to at 3am in the morning, I'm frustrated all day because I can't get to the things I need to or get to do the work I want to not to mention the stoopid politicking and inconsequential bollocks I have to put up with on a daily basis. I think that if I had a job that is actually 9-5 and not 8-7 and all absorbing, all superstressing that I could find a modicum of a life. That combined with being in a new environment with new people and new challenges I think it would refresh me a little. The main thing I want is a job that I can leave at work when I step out the door and drive home. *sigh* I'm bitching again... sorry... do you want some cheese and crackers with that whine?

So finding a job is at least step one... So bring it on solar eclipse... please... before I do something that I'll regret like resign before having a job to go to... because I've been close in the last fortnight...

And oh joy of joys, V day is round the corner.

OK

enough whinging... off to exfoliate my legs ;}

Damn you full moon...

Well first week back at work last week and I don't think I can remember a more hellish week in my many years with this company. Words don't even come close to be able to describe how bad. And considering how this week is looking you may very well get another bitching and moaning post from me before too long. Good thing I submitted another job application yesterday. Tis a good one so I really, really, REALLY hope I get it. I just need to get the fark out of my job. I've really had enough and it's time to move on. So I'll let you know how it turns out. No doubt I'll be freaking so you'll definately hear about it. Can't remember if I told you bout the other one (with the mondo bizarro selection criteria) but they decided not to proceed with the selection. Not surprising considering our recent change of government but annoying because that would have been a goodie too. Oh well was a good experience to do the weird SC.

I dunno whether I'm working myself up about my upcoming adventure but I can't stop thinking about Benji. Have you ever wanted something so bad it just drives you crazy? I can see everything sooo clearly, just got to work out how I can make it so. I really can't wait to go, if it wasn't for Easter coming round early this year I would be leaving earlier but oh well... patience...

I've already started writing my lists of stuff I need to pack, stuff I need to buy blah blah. Have I mentioned how much I love to travel? Guess I'm a bit weird like that in that I like airports and waiting around only because I get time on my hands. Time to think, time to write, time to read, time to listen to music I love, time to watch the people that are walking around. The only thing I'm not so fond of is turbulence on planes but that's a control thing for me. Because I'm not in control of the plane it freaks me out bigtime. You'd think that I'd be able to let go because I don't have control but no... takes me a lot of meditation and self talk to keep myself calm. Silly really because there is absolutely nothing I can do about it. Just have to get very internal and really focus on being calm and letting go. Helps if I have a book and some music to help distract myself as well ;}

But anyway I'm excited. Scared and excited. I dunno what is going to happen with Benji, I'm hoping for the best but being prepared for the worst. I just need him to see sense and trust me that I know what's good for him and that's me ;}. One thing I'm stuck on (and to give you an indication of how much I over think things) and that's if things do work out and say dream comes true and he realises he's madly in love with me and wants to be with me... what then? He's still waaaay over there and I'm still here. Two options, he cuts his time short and gets his sweet butt back home or b) I go over there. At this particular junction in time I am MORE than happy to go over there. The only thing holding me here is my cat and my family and both of which are sort of fixable. The cat not so much because I would be eternally woeful if I left him here (probably with my brother) and he died while I was over there. I don't know if I could wait for him to die before going to be with Benji because there is no firm timeline. That sounds bad but I'm sure you get what I mean. I couldn't take him with me because the stress would probably kill him. So yeah... overthinking huh...

So anyway in the grand scheme of things I just need to be patient and wait to see what happens and just accept it either way. I'm taking a crazy leap of faith and just have to trust that the Universe will be there to catch me.

My toe is feeling a bit better but it looks like they haven't set it properly so it's still a little twisted but like hell I'm going to go back so that they can rebreak it and reset it (probably without painkillers again owowowow). I can do without that inconvenience so I'm just gonna have a wonky toe. Might take a picture to share with you if I get around to it. Been having a bit of fun with it now that I'm back at work... People I haven't seen in a while have asked "how was your break" (meaning Xmas and New years holiday break) and I've said sore har har. Then they'll ask me how I did it so I tell them that this guy was giving me shit about my work so I started kicking and punching him and broke my toe on his head. I've had some people actually believe me for half a second before I've told them the real story. Gotta get my laffs where I can dammit ;}

Flirtayshun

It's been a weird sort of day today. I've had two extreme compliments from the top two bosses telling me how valued I am in this organisation. Wonder if they smell something on the air...

And hmmmm an interesting turn of events today. So let me just start with a little background first. I have a secret power that has been getting stronger and I need to be careful about using it. I can make things happen. I keep freaking Chip out with it which makes me laugh but I'm seriously going to have to be careful. Some recent examples... I sat down with my (then) boss and she says to me "so where do you want to be, what's your vision" so I laid it out, specifically, what I wanted. At the time I was couching it in terms of this is where I want it all to be in a years time. Three days later in an unforseen turn of events it all happens exactly as I'd laid it out. I couldn't have even engineered it to work the way it did.

example two. I discover that we need product xy needed to make product z work and I should have ordered it 3 orders ago. If we order product xy separately I'm going to have to pay for it out of my sections budget. I say to Chip "Right, I'm putting it out to the Universe now that someone will make an order for product z so that I can slip in product xy tomorrow. They will make an order tomorrow" Tomorrow arrives and I have in the morning I have a message on my voicemail from a client saying "oh hi, just wondering if you can give me some pricing on product z because I need to make an order?" Bingo!

So you get the point. I voice what I want and make it happen. You'll recall that I recently made 3 birthday wishes. New job, new boyfriend, new friends.

Well you know the story bout the job (still haven't heard from them by the way but I will. And of course I'll let you know when I start ;})

New boyfriend.... well there's been a little flirtation that I haven't been telling you about. Someone I see every day at work has been having little flirty chats with me. And it's pointed because people have started commenting on it in that he only talks to me and not to the two Hottie McHothots that I work with. No problemo, he's cute, he's funny, awesome occupation. No problemo. I've been finding myself thinking about him when I'm at home and just... daydreaming, y'know. So I sourced some inside intel on him on friday and found out that he had a girlfriend. Not only that but she's the daughter of someone at work. OK. Problemo. Oh well, I thought, too bad. Too bad for him! So I moved on to the weekend and tried not to feed that
little seed of disappointment that was there.

So fast forward to today (monday). I had a chat about him with Chip in the morning and offhandedly say to her "he should ditch his girlfriend, he doesn't need her when he could have me"... So fast forward to lunch. I head down to where he is testing somethingorather and I ask him how his day was going...

"mmmm okay" he says and he makes a face.

"well it is Monday, it can only get better from here" I tell him.

"Not when you're breaking up with your girlfriend" he replies.

ooooohkaaaayyyyyyyyy.....(!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

I told him I was sorry to hear that (I'm not) and my condolences blah blah and moved the conversation along to other topics til I had to go.

So my mind's awhirl with too many questions. So he's breaking up with his girlfriend eh? Wonder why? What prompted that? And why now (apart from full moon madness)? Why did he feel the need to tell me that when he hadn't even told me he had a girlfriend in the first place?

And now I've got those delicious butterflies of anticipation. I'd forgotten how nice it feels. Even if nothing happens it's nice to feel like this again.

and the new friends can be found via new employment and new boyfriend n'est pas? ;}

Can you say dumbass?

So I spent most of the weekend talking myself in and out of this job. Not that I actually have an interview for it, but I know I will get one ;} , hell who wouldn't want to employ me! I can give you a massive list of the reasons why I should stay or why I should go but I won't bore you. Pretty dumb if you ask me but of course I can't help tormenting myself with that crap...

Good news though, my new laptop arrived yesterday so I promptly took the afternoon off to uninstall almost 2GBs of junk it comes preloaded with and spent some quality time reloading all the good shite (aka porn) and pix etc etc. AND not only is it a sexy cherry red satin finish but it comes with a webcam in the frame... didn't even know that so that was a fun surprise. It's got all sorts of neat special effects etc so you know what that means... video blog this week. Yep this is your official warning... (except those people that I'll email of course) but for the rest of you... I'll be posting it for 24 hours only. Cuz I'm a chicken. So bite me.

I did it!!!!!!!!!! boy did I do it.....

I finally managed to get my head around that stoopid selection criteria yesterday (the day it was due) so I rang up the organisation and asked for an extension which they granted me til next week. I thought I'd show a bit of commitment and dedication and get it in today. So slaved away last night and tweaked it today, tweaked my resume and cover letter and tizzed it all up. It was looking pretty good and I was feeling pretty pleased with myself. So with baited breath I hit the Send button and sent that baby winging it's way through the cosmos and sat back in my chair happy, scared and exhilarated. I'd done it! Cool bananas!

Driving home, kinda riding on a scared high. Not quite believing that I'd done it. But yes, yes I have. Could mean a whole new start to things, maybe just the kickstart I need?

Get home, fire up the laptop and my mouse happens to catch the time in the toolbar and the little mouseover pops up the date. Friday 16 November 2007. 16 November... not 15 November as I'd put in my fucking application. Fuck fucking fuck x 1000000. Dammit dammit dammit. I'd fucking checked that half a dozen times on my desk calendar... which was still fucking set to Thursday AAARRRGGGGHHHH!!!!!!! Not much I can do about it now but I can't stop kicking myself... so much for that keen eye for detail I'd boasted about. Fuck.

Just hope they don't have a keen eye for detail...

AAAAAAAAARRRRRRRGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I really am fucking tormented today....

this frickin application.... I dunno whether I've just gotten super dumb since the last time I did one of these things or what. The thing that shits me is that if the Selection Criteria was based on the actual role profile I would not have a problem. But how the fuck do you address a criteria that says "Commits to action" whilst trying to couch it in terms of the role profile. I just don't have any words and nothing is coming through. As you know I'm not usually lost for words but this has really stumped me. I really don't think I can do it in time. It's quite upsetting because I really could piss this job in if only I could get my head around this warped fucking fuck of a selection criteria.

I've even turned off the TV to try and focus on this stoopid thing (yeah I KNOW!!)

And yes I'm procrastinating...

But it's only because I was contacted by a very nice young man on the internet dating site I recently joined (gotta be in the game to win it). Hopefully he will actually email me cuz he seems pretty cool. I'll keep ya posted...

fuck I don't know what to do about this poncey application.

dammit dammit dammit

Fuck a duck!

Well I found a coupla jobs I want to apply for and maaaan... I haven't done Selection Criteria for a while and this is fucking hard! They have all this fluffy stuff you have to address which does not directly relate to the role duties, such as "Supports shared purpose and direction" or "Applies and builds professional expertise" or "Engages with risk and shows personal courage". Bloody hell... how the fuck to I address that? It states "Applicants should frame their applications against the selection criteria outlined below, taking into consideration the duties as well as the capabilites and information provided in the employment description"

fuck a duck

It's only been 5 years since I last did one of these and it was nowhere near anything like this. When did it suddenly get all tricky like this?

fuck fucking fuck.

And it's a cool job too, one I could piss in if I could only think up any sort of semblance of words to put on this blank paper....

*sigh*

As you can tell I'm procrastinating just a tad because I've managed to do just about anything but focus on this application... and it's due on the 15th... as in 3 days away... *sigh*

why why why?

Oh and I had real food for my birthday... I've never had food that was so close to orgasmic as that. Mmmmmm SO good! Probably helps that I haven't had a meal like that in 8 months but boyoboy was it good. Smoked trout mousse wrapped in smoked salmon with shreded cucumber raita and somethingorather bread for entree then Asian spiced crispy duck breast with potato rosti and asian greens for main and then home for my mum's hazelnut cake which is light as light can be but drowned in cream, strawberries and raspberries... I had two slices... AND champagne. Soooooooo good! Had a massive stomach ache all night and half the next day but it was SO worth it. Can't wait for Xmas now ;} mmmm fooooood....

More on my bday next time... gotta stop procrastinating.... somehow....