Not actually dead

Anonymous asked me a little while ago (April!) Whether I'd stopped blogging... and the answer is yes and no. I've been meaning to blog for the longest time and isn't it the thought that counts? no? okay then well here I am in the fleshy flesh. At the time of Anon's question I had a really good post and damned if I can find it now. Damn you real life for getting in the way. It's almost 6 months since my last post and to be honest I haven't been faithful to my paper diary either so it's sulking just as much as you. I had too much real life emotional stuff going on that I couldn't commit it to paper or this electronic paper so I hope you forgive me for both indiscretions. My paper diary did so, so should you because I do intend to blog here a little more often than 6 monthly intervals. I mean I'm living out my own pet peeve - interesting blogs that have these sporadic boring ass updates (and yeah I'm tootin my own horn with the "interesting" toot toot!)

And wouldn't you know it I just found the inspiring bit I wanted to post:



dammit how did that get in there... that's not what I meant - what I really meant was this speech:

> SPEECH BY ANNA QUINDLEN
>
> This was a speech made by Pulitzer Prize-winning author, Anna Quindlen
> at the graduation ceremony of an American university where she was
> awarded an Honorary PhD.
>
> "I'm a novelist. My work is human nature. Real life is all I know. Don't
> ever confuse the two, your life and your work. You will walk out of here
> this afternoon with only one thing that no one else has. There will be
> hundreds of people out there with your same degree: there will be
> thousands of people doing what you want to do for a living. But you will
> be the only person alive who has sole custody of your life. Your
> particular life. Your entire life. Not just your life at a desk or your
> life on a bus or in a car or at the computer. Not just the life of your
> mind, but the life of your heart. Not just your bank accounts but also
> your soul.
>
> People don't talk about the soul very much anymore. It's so much easier
> to write a resume than to craft a spirit. But a resume is cold comfort
> on a winter's night, or when you're sad, or broke, or lonely, or when
> you've received your test results and they're not so good.
>
> Here is my resume: I am a good mother to three children. I have tried
> never to let my work stand in the way of being a good parent. I no
> longer consider myself the centre of the universe. I show up. I listen.
> I try to laugh. I am a good friend to my husband. I have tried to make
> marriage vows mean what they say. I am a good friend to my friends and
> them to me. Without them, there would be nothing to say to you today,
> because I would be a cardboard cut out. But I call them on the phone and
> I meet them for lunch. I would be rotten, at best mediocre, at my job if
> those other things were not true.
>
> You cannot be really first rate at your work if your work is all you
> are. So here's what I wanted to tell you today: Get a life. A real life,
> not a manic pursuit of the next promotion, the bigger pay cheque, the
> larger house. Do you think you'd care so very much about those things if
> you blew an aneurysm one afternoon or found a lump in your breast?
>
> Get a life in which you notice the smell of salt water pushing itself on
> a breeze at the seaside, a life in which you stop and watch how a
> red-tailed hawk circles over the water, or the way a baby scowls with
> concentration when she tries to pick up a sweet with her thumb and first
> finger.
>
> Get a life in which you are not alone. Find people you love, and who
> love you. And remember that love is not leisure, it is work. Pick up the
> phone. Send an email. Write a letter. Get a life in which you are
> generous. And realize that life is the best thing ever, and that you
> have no business taking it for granted. Care so deeply about its
> goodness that you want to spread it around. Take money you would have
> spent on beer and give it to charity. Work in a soup kitchen. Be a big
> brother or sister. All of you want to do well. But if you do not do good
> too, then doing well will never be enough.
>
> It is so easy to waste our lives, our days, our hours, and our minutes.
> It is so easy to take for granted the colour of our kids' eyes, the way
> the melody in a symphony rises and falls and disappears and rises again.
> It is so easy to exist instead of to live.
>
> I learned to live many years ago. I learned to love the journey, not the
> destination. I learned that it is not a dress rehearsal, and that today
> is the only guarantee you get. I learned to look at all the good in the
> world and try to give some of it back because I believed in it,
> completely and utterly. And I tried to do that, in part, by telling
> others what I had learned. By telling them this: Consider the lilies of
> the field. Look at the fuzz on a baby's ear. Read in the back yard with
> the sun on your face.
>
> Learn to be happy. And think of life as a terminal illness, because if
> you do, you will live it with joy and passion as it ought to be lived".

So I hope you're all okay out there in blogland and I do honestly mean to post more often than every 6 months.... stay tuned mkay?

Again, I've been slacking off. Actually I've taken back to paper, yep have rediscovered my journal. But my conscience couldn't leave you alone. I can't even begin to recap over the past couple of months since I've last posted. Lets just say that I'm going to be so glad once this year is over but at the same time I've discovered happiness. Funny because it seems to have been a completely shite year for most people I know. 2010 is going to have a lot to live up to. Either way as long as it's better than 2009 then it's good for me.

My beautiful man does actually have a girlfriend at the moment but poor man, doesn't quite realise that he's mine yet. I know that things will work out my way one way or another. I am manifesting a date for NYE although he hasn't made himself known to me yet. Next week eh?

And I've had an odd realisation during this time. Happiness is not something you find but something you create. All this time I've been waiting for it to find me... and it's something I need to make myself. To change MY way of thinking. Huge DUH moment huh? Needless to say the past couple of months have been particularly happy.

Of course except today when I've let things get to me a little bit. But I blame the full moon for my frustrations and irritations. I know it won't last long and nothing that champagne won't help.

Celebrated the 1st anniversary of M'Lord's death last month, was particularly awful and tearfilled so I won't go into it in detail. But even a year later I miss him like it was yesterday. Still haven't quite had the courage to adopt a new friend. Just not the same and I'm just not sure I can hack that connection yet. There's one particular tile, his tile, that just kills me when I look at it. As much as possible I try not to go there because when I do I just end up a howling mess. I do not look forward to the day when I lose a human.

Xmas on the way and I have more to say about that in my next post but right now the champers is kicking in and I'm losing coherency and my fingers are starting to type rubbish.... ;}

stuff n things

I wish I had pretty words for how fucking bored I am with the usual bullshit that's going on in my life. Apart from just about to become a murderer ala the last post I'm so fucking tired.

Tired of:

a) being single and being penalised for it thanks to the govts $10 billion revitalisation plan which is penalising me for being a singleton with no kids or having anyone to care for by not giving me $1000.

b) the same old tired fucking bullshit at work over and over and over and over and over and over again. I'm surprised at myself that I've managed to put up with it so far

c) being tired. Whoever said sleep is overrated needs a trip in my world because I'm so fucking tired and I'm sure everything would look so much more rosier if I'd had another 5 hours sleep.

d) my addictive personality but I guess that's a topic for another time but (expletive deleted) I wish I could get myself under control.

e) being childless, yep I want to have my son already. I'm ready, just have to find my huband/sperm donor already. I'm just about to turn 34 and my deadline for having kids was 35 so tick tock... I will have a kid whether it's by sperm donor (willing or unwilling) by the time I'm 35 but I'm old fashioned in that I would rather it be by the father I'd like to stay with rather than a "donor". Either way I'm not missing out but fuck I'm impatient and wish I'd meet him already because I'm itching to have my son in a big way.

So all in all the usual bullshit, but it adds up to the usual equation - I am bored and lonely. Meh.