Let me apologise to begin with...

bear with me here....

Let me apologize to begin with
Let me apologize for what I'm about to say

But trying to be genuine was harder than it seemed
And somehow I got caught up in between

Let me apologize to begin with
Let me apologize for what I'm about to say

But trying to be someone else was harder than it seemed
And somehow I got caught up in between

[Chorus]
Between my pride and my promise
Between my lies and how the truth gets in the way

And things I want to say to you get lost before they come
The only thing that's worse than one is none
[End Chorus]

Let me apologize to begin with
Let me apologize for what I'm about to say

But trying to regain your trust was harder than it seemed
And somehow I got caught up in between

[Chorus]
Between my pride and my promise
Between my lies and how the truth gets in the way

The things I want to say to you get lost before they come
The only thing that's worse than one is none
The only thing that's worse than one is none
[End Chorus]

And I cannot explain to you
And anything I say or do or plan

Fear is not afraid of you
But guilt's a language you can understand

I cannot explain to you
And anything I say or do
I hope the actions speak the words they can

[Chorus]
For my pride and my promise
For my lies and how the truth gets in the way

The things I want to say to you get lost before they come
The only thing that's worse than one is

Pride and my promise
Between my lies and how the truth gets in the way

The things I want to say to you get lost before they come
The only thing that's worse than one is none
The only thing that's worse than one is none
The only thing that's worse than one is none
[End Chorus]


yesyes it's music once again but lemme just say that I like a boy.... I haven't liked a boy since Benji in what seems all those millennium ago. And really he's not a boy but a man. And a super smart and witty man at that. One that makes me laugh and has beautiful eyes. What more could you want in a man huh? I feel all giddy and want to make any excuse to talk to him. Naturally I've tried his last name on and it's a nice fit. yeah, I like this guy...

PS. I think I found a really cool job to go to as well.

Ohhhh boy

Some time ago, and I'd post a link back if I wasn't phone blogging, I posted before and after pix of me and my massive weightloss. Well in basically a year and a half I've managed to get myself back to my before photo so I've gone back to cohens to get it all off again... Not really proud of myself for undoing all of my hard work but at least I'm doing something about it again.

I'd decided to go back before I went to melbourne and my little trip just provided me with a lil catalyst moment. One the plane trip there I discovered that I couldn't do up the seatbelt... Can you say MORTIFIED??!!! I had a suspicion that it might not go and it was only a matter of millimetres but that bastard would just not click in. And lucky me I was wedged in the middle seat so the guy to my right witnessed the whole thing and to his credit he tried to help by lifting the arm rest to see if that would help but no. So I sat there glowing red, pretending to have that fucker done up because I was too embarrassed to ask fo the extension thingy. 40 mins of pure hell later I couldn't get out of there quick enough.

On the way home I made sure I had a window seat on the right and again pretended to have that fucker done up so less embarrassment on the way home. I toyed with the idea of asking on my way into the plane but I was just too embarrassed to speak the words.

At least the whole mortifying experience has provided me with a helpful tool to keep me on track. Whenever I feel like some junk I just close my eyes and put myself back in that seat trying to get that shit closed and the look of pity in that guys eyes. Never again I tells ya, I will never be in that shape again. Calculating by my progress last time I should be back to my former shape by april/may next year. So now I just have to be patient and work hard which I know I can do.

A question

I'm here living it up in Melbourne having a great time but that's not what I want to talk about yet. I have a question that I've been wondering about for years and after watching the news tonight about the Jakarta bombing I'll ask you:

How do terrorists pick the date that they do their terrible deeds?

Do they pick random dates or is it an astrological or numeralogical thing or does it have some sort of personal meaning to them like their mothers birthday? Do they consult some wizened crone to pluck the date? A roll of the dice? Flipping through a calendar and randomly pointing to a date? Or flipping through a calendar and looking for a free day that's convenient?

I know it's a really odd question to ponder but I have an odd brain. I just wonder if they realise that that date will be forever etched in history ala 9/11 or 7/7. Or maybe that's the point.

know me, broken by my master

Well just 2 more sleeps and I'm off to Melbourne. Funny because I'm sure that the last time I spoke about it I'm sure it was 48 sleeps or something like that. How time flies eh? I'm super excited and have so many plans for my 1 short week. I'm not sure I mentioned it but I'm there chiefly for the Design+Decoration trade fair and all the side shows it has and I get to exercise my free NGV ticket to the Salvador Dali exhibition. And of course to catch up with some dear friends and to make general mischief which I'm good at doing when I'm there. I just love that city. I'm not sure what it is but as soon as the plane lands I feel like I am HOME. It's a really strange feeling, that "click" that I feel. The pure and utter romance that I feel for a city. I always feel like I'm smiling too much when I'm walking round by myself, grinning like a loon. It's completely intoxicating in the way that Maria was dancing and singing The Hills Are Alive atop that mountain. That's the way that I feel about Melbourne and it's a lil perverse really. Hard to explain the love of a city the way I feel it.

So yay two more sleeps. And I'll be staying at my favourite hotel, and yes again, I have a strange yen for staying in hotels. I love the crisp white sheets even though I pull them all out and wish for a doona. I love the complimentary coffee and tea (and my fave hotel also provides complimentary bikkies which I snarf YAY) and the mini soaps and white fluffy hotel towels. Who wouldn't love to stay in hotels I ask you???? Maybe I'm just too easily pleased but bloody hell I love hotels.

I do promise to try and post stuff while I'm in my fave town but if I get seriously engrossed in my town, which does happen, I beg your forgiveness because I just may be under this town's spell.

And on a side downer note, it has unbelievably been 8 months since I had to put down my love. Funnily enough I had my Mum's cat sit on my lap last night and that's what cracked me. The fact that I hadn't had a cat sit on my lap, purring, lapping up the chin scratchies for eight months. I was OK thinking it in my head but once I voiced it to Chloe (the cat) it broke me down. Yes I know it's been 8 months but I still miss M'Lord EVERY fucking day and I just WISH that it would get easier... when does it get easier??? please someone please bloody tell me because I fear that the answer is never. I can't look at my photos of him because they make me crack. I'm sick of seeing him in the corner of my eye around the house and expecting him to be behind the front door each and every time I walk in. I miss my 'tuck in' kisses at night. Habits are hard to break..... when does it get easier I ask you?

Anyway 2 sleeps :)

what am I sposed to do when the best part of me was always you

I love song lyrics just a little more than poetry and I think I'm going to go back to my complexgirl habits of making the title of my posts an excerpt from the song that I'm listening to. Needless to say it's The Script, this bloody song has been stuck in my head and it could be a casualty of the constant rotation ala my local radio station but nevertheless I do like that lyric. So from now on join me in guess that lyric eh?

And the fact that I had to get assistance for my password here shows how long I've posted in the the flesh rather than via mobile and to be quite honest it feels a lil dirty ;}

I haven't had a good ranty post in a while and by god I've got a few rants to let out of the cage so let us begin.

Now you may or may not know how much of a private person I am in real life. Hard to believe considering I blog in a public forum but do note that it is anonymous (well relatively to those 3 people I've actually met and live half a world away from... anyway shaddap) but I really am quite a private person to the annoyance of some people because I don't (or find it so hard to) let them in. One thing that bugs the absolute shit out of me is when someone random like my nailsgirly (whom I share with Chip aka blabbermouth) tells me that I need to go out more or that I need to find a nice guy and settle down or some other random factoid that Chip has recited. Bugshit doesn't even come close and because I understand social decorum I don't immediately stand up, slap her in the face and walk out sans did nails. But MAN do I feel like it. I know that Chip can't help flapping her gums but it annoys me that it has to be about me, surely she's got something better to talk about me because really, I'm boring but we'll keep that between us. And secondly don't presume to know me and what's going on with me. The thing that shits me with people who say I should settle down, it's not like being single is my fucking choice or preference. I would happily settle down, you just show me a half decent tall (and half intelligent cause I can't abide stoopid) man my age and within my range of options and bloody hell I'm there in a snap. And thirdly, I really hate being told what to do. oooooohhh now that really rattles my cage and is a whoooollle other conversation.

More ranty goodness: And I guess this is part of a bigger issue that I'm slowly discovering and trying to deal with... I have dad issues (duh doesn't every "little girl"). And I'm not entirely sure what they are exactly. Part of it is an approval thing in that subconsciously I need his approval or rather his lack of disappointment if that makes sense. So recently I registered my business name and started working on my website, logo, business plan etc. And you'll excuse me if it's just my perception of the situation or me being overly sensitive but not only has my dad been suggesting alternative business names like the clappers but he went out and got a professional to come in and do exactly what my business is about.... AND it's exactly what I've told him to do before. Yay the vote of confidence in my abilities. I'm not sure if he's just being oblivious or what but that stung a little more than I'd like to admit out loud.

I'm sure there was more to rant about... hell if there is I can always come and edit post to add it in. ;}

Only 11 more sleeps til I'm in Melbourne again, *sigh* can you say excitement?