Pregnant men

It's weird, I went through a stage a few years ago where a lot of my girlfriends were getting pregnant. There was 5 of them at the one time, a few months apart, and they formed a little group that I was excluded from. They went through their pains and aches and cravings together. Went to birthing classes and swapped pregnancy books. Cooing over cute little baby clothes and buying prams and baby paraphernalia. All the while telling me "just wait til it's your turn" and "you don't know what it's like".

That was hard enough but now it seems that my guy friends are going through the same thing. 3 of my guy friend's partners have had children recently. All within a couple of months of each other. Proudly, they tell me about baby not sleeping through the night, of baby's first smile and trying to adjust to fatherhood. I humour them and listen to their stories and smile and nod in the right places. It's not that I'm not interested, it's just that that bitter and jealous part of me is bickering in my ear and it makes it hard to bear their happiness.

I never felt the tick of the biological clock before and I wonder if I can hear it now only because I feel like I'm falling behind? Is that tick a little louder only because of the empty echo of loneliness? I know that parenthood isn't all the soft golden glow that it seems and that it's filled with shitty nappies and sleepless nights. But it sucks to feel left out. I know I've bitched about idiotic parents and annoying brats but at the same time I want my own brat. And of course it will be different. I will be spawning the perfect child. Perfect in manners and intelligence. Perfect in personality and future prospects. Of course it will be different, of course.

I just console myself with "Good things come to those who wait". And I'm waiting, patiently waiting.

one motive: cater to the hollow

Took a trip to the library last night and got a couple of good books. One of them is There is a River: The story of Edgar Cayce. Interesting book so far, someone had recommended it to me after we were talking about him and his reading. Anyway there's a couple of paragraphs I'd like to share that absolutely killed me:

[p81]
To Edgar, who was in love and happy, the calendar and earth were all that turned. His heart stood still, afraid to beat lest it tick away into memory the wonder of her feeling for him.

That he loved her was not a source of happiness to him: it was a hunger which had constantly to be fed, and which could turn from ecstasy to torture if the supply of nourishment were cut off. It was her love for him that constantly thrilled him: that she did not tire of him, that she liked being with him, that of her own choice she chose his company above anyone else's, was at times almost more than he could bear. All his life he had yearned for things that were beyond him. He had become used to dreams that never came true. He was like a boy who had idly wished for wings, and suddenly found himself flying through the air.






[p97]
I think two people have to learn gradully to forget what each one wants, when they get married, and find out what they want together," Gertrude said. "And the best way to do that is to have children and let the parents train themselves not to be selfish by sharing the child and all the things that parents want to do for a child."







Feeling a bit melancholy at the moment and reading that sort of stuff just pricks my heart a little. While I try to keep those feelings at bay [because if I don't I'll drive myself truely insane] there are times when the ache makes my eyes water.

oh the sweet pain

I'm seriously in love with my new boots. Not only were they more than half price off AND real leather, but they're so damn hot it's just not funny. I need more money so that I can have more... MORE I tells ya!!

I gotz da skiiillz

soooo... I told you about my stalker the other day.... weeelll... we met up last night. I think that the only thing that I should say about our little rendezvous is that after all this time it's nice to know that I've still got it. I should leave it at that but I've gotta share cuz my ego is so inflated at the moment, oh yes I've still got it. Scarily enough we're so similar in tastes. We compared scars both emotionally and physically and heheh then we watched some porn and hell... you do the math. He told me that I gave him a full body orgasm and that he has never ever cummed like that before. Fuck I love that shit, he might be lying but even so go the ego. It's been so long since I've had any physical contact with a guy and it's so good to know that I've still got the skillz ;} Truely satisfying.

More confusing is Roger... Roger who is firmly attached and yet one of the biggest flirts I've ever met. I've told him about stalkerboy and he started getting all negative about the situation so I asked him what his problem was and he admitted that he was jealous. whaaaaaa? Today I had a long chat to him about worky things and then as we were walking away he pats me on the arm, back and shoulders a couple of times and says "Do you know that the reason that I did that the other day was so that I could touch you and get away with it?" huuh? He can't have his cake and eat it. I like him and he's really interesting to talk to but I don't know if I like him like THAT. Plus he comes with some serious baggage, namely that a)he's attached and I just don't go there and b)he's got two boys. hmmmmmmm....

But again... go the ego boost. Am I exuding some sort of chemicals at the moment????

Fuggin hilarious brats

Why I don't have kids Reason # 189

Why I don't have kids Reason # 261

freaking me out just a little

So... like all good single girls I was talking to this guy on yahoo last night, just playing around flirting and whatnot. I've talked to him a couple times before and we've worked out that we're actually fairly close in location and know roughly where eachother works. We're both IT nerds and last night I threatened to use my IT powers for evil and track him down when he gave me his mobile number. So fast forward 18 hours and I'm walking out of work this afternoon and check out my phone and there's a text message:

And hear you were telling me how good of an IT geek you are damn i must be good if I found your mobile number hey Girly [and used my real name which I hadn't told him]

holyfuckinshit

a thousand things went through my head. I was pretty trashed when I was talking to him last night but I'm pretty sure that I hadn't let anything slip to give a) my mobile phone number and b) my real name away. So then I'm wondering if he knows my last name and my address and whether he hacked into my computer last night or whether I have another stalker on my hands.

freakout x 10000000000

peaking all the way home in the car, I get home and there's two messages on the answering machine... two hangups on the answering machine. Hmmmm....

So I logon and google myself and the email address that I gave him and hey presto I find a really old ad for my car that I was selling in 2004 and it's got my first name and my mobile number on it. And that's it. PHEW! Actually phew is an understatement.

BEEP BEEP... another text message:

I don't bite unless you want me to ;) and im no psycho just wanted to up the anti since you thought you could find me. Did you have a good sleep last night ;)

I'm thinkin hmmmmmmmmm. So I logon to messenger and there he is. Told him he was freakin me out just a little and to make me feel better he turned on his webcam and held his drivers licence up so I could see. So tis cool, no stalker and I just talked to him for another hour. He's just a special kind of freak but man did I get a major attack of the paranoias.

PS. no library trip yet, although i was in the building next to the library today and if I had had half an hour up my sleeve I would have perused the good looking fellas books. Saturday is now locked in for my next library adventure so stay tuned.

hi there bloggers

I can't help chuckling to myself that while my other closet OC fans have to wait to the thrilling conclusion to find out what happens to Marissa that I know what happens and that I know what hottie causes said happenage. Lucky me that I never have to admit my closet addiction to the real world mwwhahahhhahaha.

PS. I love Cam Gigandet. don't tell anyone

It happened one day as I was walking along

So I ran into my ex the other day... and we're not talking about the library ex but the one after him. And of course as most exes do, he looked good, real good. Damn I hate that. A lot.

Anyway I seem to be having some serious ex flashbacks here because I've caught up with 3 in the last 2 weeks. Dunno what's in the air but it's just weird. But I've used the experiance as a reexamination of the good and bad of each relationship. I think I've needed to do that to remember the good stuff, not just the bad which is what I've been focussing on recently. I think I've forgotten all the good times, the sweet times that I've had. I've become a little bitter and jaded and it's funny how life shows you what you need to know when you need to know it. I think that I need to get over that bitterness before I can move forward again. I find it really hard to forgive and forget but I think that I can make the bad memories blurry so that they're not so sharp and cutting anymore. At this point in time, I think it's the best I can do.

And then I did the Color Quiz that With Love, Fat Girl wrote about recently and cuz I'm a sucker for these quiz things I did my own colour picking and woah mama. My results:

Your Existing Situation
Readily participates in things affording excitement or stimulation. Wants to feel exhilarated.

Oh yahuh... a little too much of that lately to the point where I'm scaring myself just a little

Your Stress Sources
Wants to overcome a feeling of emptiness and of separation from others. Believes that life still has far more to offer and that she may miss her share of experiences if she fails to make the best use of every opportunity. She therefore pursues her objectives with a fierce intensity and commits herself deeply and readily. Feels herself to be completely competent in any field in which she engages, and can sometimes be considered by others to be interfering or meddlesome.

Oh fuck yeah is an understatement, more things I feel so fiercely at the moment.

Your Restrained Characteristics
Circumstances are forcing her to compromise, to restrain her demands and hopes, and to forgo for the time being some of the things she wants.
Feels trapped in a distressing or uncomfortable situation and seeking some way of gaining relief. Able to achieve satisfaction from sexual activity.
Very exacting in the standards she applies to her choice of a partner and seeking a rather unrealistic perfection in her sex life.

Now we're just getting scary, spot on. That first bit is just killing me. I am being restrained by circumstances that are beyond my control and I feel so trapped at the moment and there is absolutely nothing I can do. I can't move forward or sideways, just in a holding pattern until circumstances change and they can only change for the worse before it will get better. And I'm not really sure I wish any of that to actually happen despite the fact that I know it will. I wish I could talk more openly about it but I just can't. Cryptic huh.

Your Desired Objective
Desires a tranquil, peaceful state of harmony offering quiet contentment and a sense of belonging.

100% correct but then again doesn't everyone. That's the one thing I really want in my life, not to be happy but to be content. I don't think I can ever be truely 100% happy so I want to at least be content instead. And belonging... I've always been on the outside so it would be nice to have someone else there with me so that we can belong together.

Your Actual Problem
Needs to achieve a stable and peaceful condition, enabling her to free herself of the worry that she may be prevented from achieving all the things she wants

heheh one of my biggest fears, not being able to fit all of the things I want to do into my life. There is so much I want to do and I just don't know where to start.

Your Actual Problem #2
Does not wish to be involved in differences of opinion, contention or argument, preferring to be left in peace

I think this is also something that everyone looks for in their lives.

And to repeat the words of WLFG, "how in Zeus' butthole do you come up with all this from picking out a bunch of colour tiles??"

It's just not even funny. It's probably some randomly generated comments boxes thing but how does it pinpoint all the things going on with me at the moment... interesting and thought provoking.