Revhead

Laffed so hard at this:

Erotic Fridge Poetry

Well I've been revelling in the sparkly white newness of my fabulous new fridge all afternoon. Of course I had to put back all the magnets and pics and jokes etc and while I was putting back the erotic poetry magnets I decided to create a new blog just for my erotic magnet poetry. So please visit
Erotic Fridge Poetry to see the latest offerings fresh from the sparkly goodness of my new fridge. I've put up a few of the old ones as well and I'll update it whenever the poetry changes.

While transferring the contents from the old fridge to the new, I've discovered that I am the Queen of the Condiments. I have:

• 4 types of mustard - Dijon, Seeded mustard with Tawny port, wholegrain and hot English
• 5 types of curry paste - Sambal Oelek, Thai Panaeng curry paste, tikka, Thai green curry and laksa paste
• a whole stack of sauces - Ketjap Manis, hoisin sauce, soy, honey and soy marinade, mint jelly, mint sauce, tomato ketchup, sweet chilli sauce, basil pesto, horseradish cream [technically the last two aren't sauces but they're sauce like, does that count?]
  
• Assorted bits and pieces like anchovies, cornishons, cocktail onions, olives, marinated artichoke hearts and sundried tomatoes

Can you tell that I like to cook and entertain? heheh let's not inventory the grog cupboard and wine cellar...

The other thing is that I'm looking for a word. It's the word for when you say something as a joke but you really mean it seriously [and usually the listener can't tell the difference]. What is that word? It's been driving me nuts all afternoon. A poem in your honour if you can tell me the word.

Chiiiiiiilly

Well to further my healthy relationship with food I splurged on this gorgeous fridge this morning. An upside down fridge because I'm 6' tall and I'm sick of crouching to reach the veg. And it's frost free. AND I got it for $400 less than they were asking AND they chucked in an additional 5 year warranty for me. Yes ladies and gentlemen I am The Haggling Queen! I love a good bargain and I have no problems in haggling to pay the price that I want to pay. As it was the last one, floor stock, and had a very small scratch on it I made them knock off the extra $400 and also chuck in the extra warranty because it was floor stock.

I've been looking for this fridge for a while so I'm glad the opportunity came up to get it for the price that I wanted. It's being delivered on Monday along with my cross trainer. I cannot wait. FINALLY it's all starting to fall into place. I'm so excited!

I was that excited that when I came home from shopping I promptly started to clean the old fridge inside and out. Well it's not that old, only 5 years old but anyway. I have never seen it look so sparkly white! It's usually covered in an assortment of photos, jokes and magnets so it's odd to see it so pristine.

I've also got magnetic erotic poetry so I'm going to enjoy putting them back up as there's usually something interesting that pops up when it's randomly thrown together. I've got a collection of poems created during various drunken dinners. I usually get my guests to write me a poem and then photograph it for evidence blackmail fun. Here's the one from our girly cocktail night a couple of weeks ago. You'll probably have to click it to view it clearly. Funny... Anyway just had to share the chilly goodness cuz I'm excited!

Starry, starry night....

Had an interesting horoscope this month and boy oh boy has it resonated:

"There is a time and place for everything. You, as a Scorpio, should know that better than anyone. You should also know that if you wait patiently, the right time will come along and you'll find yourself in the right place. A law of nature is that everything changes. Every situation. Every plan. So avoid the assumption that your dreams are never going to be fulfilled. What once seemed wildly impossible is now fully feasible. Don't question an opportunity, act on it."

Woah.

Reading you loud and clear Universe - quit your bitching and be patient, trust. Got it! It's funny because one of my 'mantras' is 'I'm always in the right place at the right time'. I've been carrying the horoscope around in my wallet so I can read it often. As you know I lose my way a lot and need to be reminded frequently.

It's really appropriate at the moment for so many reasons. In particular the whole Benji thing. Since he announced his intention to go to Abu Dhabi my friends have been saying that I should declare my undying love. I agree with that of course and I'd regret it if he left and I didn't talk to him about it but I just don't feel like it's the right time right now. That coupled with the fact that I have no idea how to tell him leads me to the conclusion that when it is the right time then the right opportunity will present itself and the right words will just come.

Part of it is me not liking myself. How can I expect him to love me if I don't? Don't get me wrong, I like me on the inside [well parts anyway] but the outside makes me cringe. I still can't accept myself in the way that I look right now. It's just not 'me'. So time to do something about it, instead of whinging. Part 1 of my master plan is about to come into fruition. My eliptical trainer has finally arrived so it's crunch time. Part 1 is about being healthy, my body is my temple and my place of worship. I'm realising this more and more. Healthy eating, exercise, meditation and a lot more appreciation for me. I think that once I like myself a whole lot more I'll stop keeping people at arms length. I'm slowly healing the hurt of past relationships which is another factor. It makes a big difference and I feel a lot better for it. I still don't know how to forgive and forget but I'm moving past the impact that it had made in my life. I'm moving on.


Since I put on the fat suit on and started keeping people away from me and out of my life I've missed out on a lot of things. I've felt so ashamed of myself and the way that I've looked that I've felt bad enough to hide myself away. Case in point, the recent reunion of my ex's band. I knew that the old gang would be there. The gang from 10 years ago when I was a whole lot thinner and... different. I know that it shouldn't have made a difference but that it does, to me. I feel so embarassed and uncomfortable about the way that I look and that I've let it get so out of hand that I couldn't even go there and see all the old friends for fear of the thought of "geez she's let herself go" or words to that effect to even cross their minds. So it's time for action stations. Time to change that and to change me. And I'm committed to doing it. When I had my haircut last week I saw my hairdresser who had lost 30kgs and looked fabulous. What an inspiration. And more importantly I have a plan and a future vision which is part of the key for staying on track. It will happen and of course I'll keep you posted. How could I not?

Thanks for reading and for being there.

Two Words....

Horror week.

Been hiding.

Need me-time.

Crappy boss.

Annoying workmates.

Lotsa work.

Hideously lotsa.

Feeling cranky.

Feeling blue.

Had manicure.

Pretty nails.

Feeling better.

More deadlines.

More hassles.

More stress.

Had haircut.

Lookin pretty.

Feeling better.

Had wine.

Feeling excellent.

Pondering Benji.

Pondering future.

Feel alone.

Too contemplative.

Cry alittle.

More wine.

Argh hungover.

Feel crappy.

Need shoes.

Want shoes.

Bought these:















Go shopping.

Buy stuff.

Feel better.

Not 100%.

Still thinking.

About Benji.

About possibilities.

About Abu Dhabi.

About work.

About life.

About everything.

Feel lost.

Need change.

Need direction.

Need. Want.

*sigh*

Heartbroken or smashed illusions?

Had my heart smashed to smithereens this afternoon.

Perhaps I'm overreacting, doesn't feel like it right now this very second though.

Had a long chat to Benji today, I know, I know, I haven't written about him in a while and I have my reasons. Anyhoo I was slobbering all over him talking to him today and he mentioned that he's looking to work overseas with a friend of ours who moved about 2 years ago.

ugh.

There was a second there that my heart lurched and stopped. It actually stopped beating.

I just don't know how to feel now. This is the guy that I want to marry and spend the rest of my life with. I want him to be the father of my child. heheh of course he doesn't know this, hell I've never actually felt this way about a guy before. I know that he was never mine to begin with so really I haven't lost anything but.. but... I can't help thinking about all the what ifs. I'm the Queen of what ifs. Don't make me list them for you.

Because I live in fantasyland half the time my fantasy that I tell him how I feel and he tells me he loves me too and wants me to come with him comes to fruition. My first thought was not that I would miss my friends and family. Oh no, my heart wrench was over leaving my cat. That would break my heart the most. Fuckin pathetic. I guess it's because I can email and phone to communicate my family and friends, my cat I can't. It really wrenches my heart to think about leaving him here, not being able to smooch his fuzzy face. It's funny how firmly that black beast has wormed himself inside my heart. Hello, stoopid! Wake up outta fantasyland. Geez getting worked up over nothing.

Part two of my fantasyland experiance was to check out the place where he's thinking to go... I could get a job there... there are jobs available that I could do. I could easily live there [except for it's so fucking hot but hullo... I live in Australia. It's fuckin hot here.] Again, fuckin psycho, wake up out of fantasyland... dammit.

I know I could probably never have him in real life but I don't like the idea of giving up on the idea [what ifs included]. I think that deep down I am an optimist and all those what ifs bolster my hope. Is it better to have false hope than no hope at all? I wonder...

All those past hurts are coming flooding back and I think thank god I caught myself in time... or did I considering I'm sitting here crying. My girlfriends are saying that I should confess my love but if the love was mutual I would know about it. I wouldn't have to confess it, I would already know about it. I've had a few excellent examples of that theory recently via other people and I guess that yes I am a chicken but I know that if I did confess that it would make no difference. I wish it would have another affect other than making our friendship awkward.

*sigh*

It just all feels so damn hopeless sometimes.


This post was brought to you by the letters V for vodka and L for lemon flavoured mineral water. *sigh* I'm just a sucker with a lump in my throat.

Note to self:

Stop having one to many vino's and posting woe is me posts. Stop feeling sorry for myself and get on with it.

Save up money to visit Lance to give him one ginormous hug [and hope to be invited for dinner YUM!] Then rub up against him to see if that insane goodness rubs off on me. How did you get so wise?

Remind myself daily that I'm fabulous. Because I am. And I seem to forget this easily.

Remind myself daily that some people who like to spread insidious gossip with intense malice do so because I am so fabulous and they can't handle it and it's a sad reflection of their own pitifully insignificant empty life. Their problem, not mine. [maybe remind myself 3 times a day on this one]

Must stop living in the past or planning for the future and realise that today is today and tomorrow may never come. Life is now.

Life's little messages come to you in strange ways - a comment on WLFG's blog: Just because you give your heart so freely. Doesn't mean they will give it back so easily.

Need to tighten my focus on myself, really tighten the focus, and concentrate on me. My stuff. Make sure I get that right before looking outside of me.

Don't try so hard, must remember that the best things come when I least expect them.

Remember that everything happens for a reason. Even if I don't know what it is right now.



Stumbled upon this when I was looking for a pic:




Interesting... thank you Universe.

Torments of a lonely girl...

Full of thoughts tonight. Need to have a bit of a brain dump just to clear the cellular networks...

Let me just assure you out there in blogland that there will be NOTHING transpiring between Roger and I despite anything I may have said in my last post. Let me just make it 110% crystal clear that I cannot cheat on anyone, whether I'm with someone or whether it's the fact that the person I like is with someone else. It is mentally and physically impossible for me to cheat. I have been cheated on previously and it's not something that I EVER wish to inflict on another human being. Despite my yearnings and loneliness it's just one line that I can NEVER EVER cross as much as I wish I could. I wish I wasn't so moral about it but one day when I tell you my experiances I think you'll understand. That and I'm a strong believer in karma so I don't think I can inflict that sort of thing on future me's.

I'm just not in the mood to go into the background story of while I feel this way right this very moment but let me tell you, when I'm in the mood you will be appalled.

Why is it that when it rains it pours?

Why am I too scared to love someone again?

Why is it that I'm always just one moment too late?

Why is it that I'm one step ahead?

Why is it that I seem to be waiting for something I can't name?

Why is it that I get myself in so much trouble when I'm bored?

Why am I such a chicken at the wrong times?


fucking bete noire, piss off.

Not so much an Epiphany part 2 but you'll get the jist [aka Roger that]

I'm treading on shaky ground right now and I know it. I know it and I can't help myself. I've mentioned before that I have this friend, Roger. Roger and I get on like a house on fire, more like an inferno really. We seriously click on so many levels it's just not funny. The hitch? He is firmly attached to a lovely lady. And to a lesser extent he has two teenage boys from a previous marriage whom he has custody of. Big hitch huh.

He's made it pretty damn clear that he's interested in me and I've made it crystal clear to him that while he's attached it is NEVER going to happen. I can say that with 100% certainty after the whole last butthead episode which I'll go into another time. But needless to say that I was cheated on in the worst way and I never EVER want to make anyone feel the way I've been feeling. There's just no way that my conscience will let me do it so it's not even an option.

I wish to dog that I didn't feel like that, this afternoon... I really do. I wish I could compromise my own morals. I've been practically talking to him all day. He came to vist me today [did I mention that he works where I do?] before lunch and stayed for an hours chat with me and Chip. Then this afternoon I get an email saying "didn't see you at lunch" so I asked him if he was going to shout me a coffee and he said "No I want you to come visit". So I did... 2 and a half hours later it was time to go home. It seemed like half an hour. I could [and have] talk to him for hours. I hate that he's unavailable to me. Hate it. A lot.

I don't know whether I feel like this about him because a) I can't have him b) because we get on so well or c) I'm just lonely and horny or d) because he inflates my ego e) that he was jealous about my funboy stalker the other week [which I really like - the fact that he was jealous not funboy].

It's nice to be wanted. In the grand scheme of things I don't know if I could have a relationship with him because I don't 99% trust him. He's attached and I know of the way that he speaks to me. If he was mine there is no way in hell that I'd want him speaking to another woman the way he speaks to me. Hell no. But at the same time I can't make myself stop talking to him. He's just so interesting to talk to. And I console myself with the fact that we're just talking... just talking dammit.

The other thing that's bothering me is that I have the opportunity to see my first real love on Sunday. A flashback from the past and while a part of me is desperate to see him again and find out what he's up to there's another part of me that screams OH HELL NOOOO!!! I know I probably won't go [because I'm a chicken] but I think I like to toy with the idea of seeing him again. More like torturing mself. I hate that I still care for him 10 years later. fuckwit. *sigh* again, another story for another time.

In the end the one that loves me the most is my black beast - just kills me when I'm sitting here typing and he's on a cushion next to me, staring at me, and just puts a little paw on my leg as if to say "Oi, I'm here y'know - you really should pet me now!" little shit. :]

My own epiphany [aka Operation: getting back on the horse]

I feel kinda stoopid but I've had an epiphany. A bit of a lightbulb moment so simple that I really can't work out why I didn't figure this out before. If I had of worked this out a long time ago I would have saved myself a lot of heartache and misery. I haven't worked out how to forgive and forget the things that he's done but that doesn't matter anymore. I've worked out that revenge is as simple as getting back to my old hottie self and being happy. That me dwelling on the bad times and feeling sorry for myself is letting him win. By getting back to my old self it's me moving on and leaving him behind to realise what he has lost forever. Sayonara sweetheart.

Can you say duh!?

Today I bought myself an eliptical trainer. I have a friend who has volunteered to be my personal trainer, chief whipcracker and motivator [she's an ex gym instructor]. I have a sensible eating plan worked out, no dumbass fad diets that don't work, a long term plan. I have a mental plan worked out so that I'm clearing both physical and mental/emotional problems. I think that I've actually purged some of those stagnant demons that have been poking me with their pitchforks eheheh demons begone! Most of all I have patience as I know it won't happen overnight and I can deal with that. I actually have goals. Goals! I know! Can you believe that shit? woah...

Today I feel happy.



Today I can save that little tin of bitter pills for someone else mwaahahaha! A hearty fuck you butthead... you're just not worth the effort anymore.