Incandescent with rage

Today was the last straw. No really, I can't even begin to describe the day I've had but that's it. I'm out. They're lucky I only have 2 days to go before I'm on leave because I came close to resigning on the spot twice today. I realise I'm just mentally and physically tired exhausted and I have a mortgage and a fur-kid so when I get back from my vacay I'm looking for another job in earnest. Fuck them. Fuck them hard.

I was so fuckin angry today that I couldn't speak. And for me that's a rarity cuz I can talk the birds out of the trees. I've only had that happen to me 2 other times in my life but we won't go there right now. I've been given "help" in an underhanded guise that is only going to create more work for me and have been told I have to love the opportunity or never complain about the workload again if I reject it so basically I have no choice in the matter. Oh they're trying to put a nice positive spin on it but I just wanted scream at them to shut their fucking faces and they can take their spin and stick it. I'm not fucking stoopid, I know a whitewash when I see one.

It was funny how my rage transcended into a form serenity afterwards. I don't know if it was serenity or just disbelief at the whole ridiculous situation but I got real calm. Actually now that I think about it it was probably relief because a) I've got 2 days til I'm on leave and b) when I get I'm getting the FUCK outta there!

Today's post was brought to you by the word fuck, just in case you didn't notice...

stating the bleedin obvious

I don't know if you've noticed but I have this little tendency to overthink things... well of course I've been thinking about this Benji thing and I've come up with 8 possible outcomes. One of which being the optimal with one second best. The rest are undesirable. And the optimal to me is probably not what you think. There are two main courses of action:

Option 1 - Do nothing, say nothing
1) stay friends and still never know and have to move on (aka stop being a pathetic loser)
2) he starts something of his own accord
2a) could be the start of something great
2b) could be the start of something ambiguous
2c) go home and it's the end

Option 2 - say something/do something
3) something happens
3a) could be the start of something great
3b) could be the start of something ambiguous
3c) go home and it's the end
4) get knocked back

That's pretty shite odds 1 in 8... I should maybe have prefaced all of this with the fact that he does not know how I feel about him. Well at least I'm pretty sure he doesn't. That's debatable by some but I'm pretty sure he doesn't suspect anything because I've made sure of that. Which makes all of this all the more psycho in my mind... and more complex because I haven't decided what I want to do about it when I get there. My aim is to just go and have fun and gauge along the way but my worst nightmare is to go there and come away from this still being in the dark. The sanest thing would be to just walk away and build a bridge... but if you knew this man.... wowsers. And I guess that's why I'm doing this. I can't let him be the one that got away. Not that he's mine in the first place but... I don't know. Any way I look at it it feels stalkerish and that's just not my intention. So on the surface it's me traveling to visit a friend with a hidden secret agenda that may or may not happen.

*sigh* yep it's been another long day and I'm tired and going round in circles... again.

S is for stress

I really wonder about myself sometimes. I don't know if it's just because I'm feeling really tired and crappy or whether I'm just having a what the fuck am I doing moment. It always seems like so much to take when I feel so low. Work's fucked, overwhelming and all consuming. Another 11 and a half hour day today YUCK. Sorta had an argument with the only person I can talk to and now I'm having a why the hell am I doing this moment. What is the answer?????

42 isn't it? isn't that the answer to life, the universe and everything?

Anyway I'm not going to have a bitch and moan session today because it's just the same old bullshit said 5 different ways so dig into the archives if you want to. I just wish that I had some answers to these reoccurring questions. Well clearly they're reoccurring because I haven't found any answers yet because they're still bugging me and are still unresolved. Partly unresolved at the moment because work is sucking my soul. I have no friends, no hobbies, I have no time for me, no time for anything but work. I even dream about work and wake up at 3am thinking about things I haven't done or drafting emails. Yes yes yes I know it's called stress. I want a new job but at the same time I love the status of my job and I'm scared to leave my comfort zone. But the fucking insane hours are just getting to me. It worries me that if I did have a normal 9 to 5 job that once the shock clears that I'll be faced with the pitiful shriveled excuse that I call my life and I'll be forced to confront it. Sad, so sad. At least now intense work is a convenient excuse.

I know what I want but I don't know how to get it. Sadly what I want is to settle down and have a baby. I never, EVER thought I'd hear myself say that or even feel close to ready to be wanting that but that's what I want. I want a nice man, I want to share a life and create a life. Hell I'm not getting any younger so I need to do it soon. I don't know if it's just a romantic view that I have of this little scenario but right now, at this point in time in my life that's what I want. There's all sorts of side fantasies like buying a house together, renovating it and blah de blah that go along with this but I have a sneaking suspicion that I could get bored of domestic bliss and would probably go back to work part time anyway. Don't think I'd have a problem with that really. I feel really pathetic writing that, like it's shameful to want domestic bliss and I really don't know why I feel that. I don't know if I've ingrained the "independent career woman" image into my brain which is why I feel like I'm going against that... who knows.

Anyway I think I'm going to feel a lot better about things after my little holiday. Apart from hopefully resolving some of my Benji obsession one way or another and relaxing away from work, I hoping to get some clarity on what the fuck I'm doing with my life and where the hell am I going. Nothing like a bit of travel to give you perspective. Hell I might fall in love with some awesome canuck and never come back.

We shall see.

T minus 21 and counting

21 days to go ho ho, 21 days to goooooo! My passport has finally turned up, I've made copies of absolutely everything, I've confirmed all of my reservations, I've even got tickets to the Blue Jays vs Red Sox game and I'm packed and ready go to! Can you say keen? uuhh yah!

Is it time to go yet? Huh? Huh? Huh? is it? is it?

what about now?

how bout now?

what about now?

how bout now?

huh? huh? huh?

Is it time to go?

how bout now?

what about now?

now?

now??

how bout now??

heheheheh