The Torments of a Single Girl

Mental anguish, torture and pent up horny feelings... oh my!

Wednesday, July 25, 2007

mondo bizzaro dude

Wanna hear something weird? I think my parents are getting back together after 15 years of divorce. If you had of asked me a couple of years ago how I felt about that I would tell you that I didn't particularly want them to get back together. These days I think it would be neato.

In some ways it's like they're not parted because we still get together and do all of the holidays and birthdays together (including mothers and fathers days) so we spend lots of quality time together as a family anyway but I wonder if they'd get married again or move in together.

So how have I come to this conclusion? Well they've been spending quite a bit of together without me or my bro. There's been little afternoon teas and last week they had dinner together. AND not only that but my dad didn't tell me about it when I saw him on Saturday. Usually he'll mention if mum popped in etc but no, no mention of it at all and my bro told me that he sprung them when he dropped in at my ma's house. Could just be me reading too much into it and I guess after 23 years of marriage that they would still be friends (they didn't have a messy nasty divorce) but I still think it's odd. And kinda nice.

We'll see eh?

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Monday, July 23, 2007

Et toi?

I'm considering myself tagged because I'm still too fuckin cranky to write anything that makes coherent sense and doesn't smack of whining so you get this thanks to WLFG:

1. You can press a button that will make any one person explode. Can I just make someone's dick explode off instead? No need for a quick and painless death...

2. You can flip a switch that will wipe any band or musical artist out of existence. Which one will it be? Probaby Michael Jackson.

3. Who would you really like to just punch in the face? The wizard. Lets not go there.

4. What is your favorite cheese? mmm cheeese, I'm quite partial to a gooey brie on some nice toasted italian or french bread. Or Havarti, or Emmenthal, or Komijnekaas, or (while technically not a cheese per se) Boursin (the garlic and herbs one the most) Any cheese really mmm cheese

5. You can only have one kind of sandwich. Every sandwich ingredient known to humankind is at your immediate disposal. What kind will you make? I'm a simple gal... on toasted wholemeal (with butter) - black current jam with crunchy peanut butter. I do like avocado and peanut butter on toast too... or nutella and peanut butter.. are you sensing a theme? And not to mention Vegemite on toast. aaawesome!

6. You have the opportunity to sleep with the movie celebrity of your choice. We are talking no-strings-attached sex and it can only happen once. pfft that's a no brainer, Josh Holloway aka Sawyer. Actually can I make mine a threesome and throw in Josh Hartnett in there as well? (and Billy Zane and Jensen Ackles as a backup)

7. You have the opportunity to sleep with the music-celebrity of your choice. Who do you pick? Chris Cornell or Sebastian Bach closely followed by Simon LeBon

8. Now that you've slept with two different people in a row, you seem to be having an excellent day because you just came across a hundred-dollar bill on the sidewalk. Holy shit, a hundred bucks! How are you gonna spend it? Shoes! Shoes or boots. If I still smoked I'd be off to get a quarter...

9. You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere. You have to depart right now. Where are you gonna go? Awesome! I'd be off to Abu Dhabi to go and see Benji. (did I mention that he sent me an email the other day *sigh*)

10. Upon arrival to the aforementioned location, you get off the plane and discover another hundred-dollar bill. Shit! Now that you are in the new location, what are you gonna do? I'd shout a nice dinner for Benji and moi and buy copious bottles of la plonko reddo for us to quaff.

11. An angel appears out of Heaven and offers you a lifetime supply of the alcoholic beverage of your choice. It is...? Vodka and old fashioned lemonade or VB beer. Or Amaretto. (are you getting that I'm not a one choice kinda gal??)

12. Rufus appears out of nowhere with a time-traveling phone booth. You can go anytime in the PAST. What time are you traveling to and what are you going to do when you get there? duuuude I'd go back to about 1920 and go and study in the Bauhaus school in germany and soak up the designy goodness.

13. You discover a beautiful island upon which you may build your own society. You make the rules. What is the first rule you put into place? Clothes optional. euuwww no wait that could get ugly. The first rule of TG island is that you don't talk about TG island ;)

14. You have been given the opportunity to create the half-hour TV show of your own design. What is it called and what's the premise? Stalker and it's basically about me stalking my top 10 eye candy celebs and perving on them. (and not getting arrested for it)

15. What is your favorite curse word? Fuck, slunt or dicksnacker.

16. One night you wake up because you heard a noise. You turn on the light to find that you are surrounded by MUMMIES. The mummies aren't really doing anything, they're just standing around your bed. What do you do? Ask them what they're doing here and shouldn't they go back to their families... oh you mean the egyptian kind.. meh they don't really bother me as long as they don't stink. I'd ask them how the after life is goin...

17. Your house is on fire, holy shit! You have just enough time to run in there and grab ONE inanimate object. Don't worry, your loved ones and pets have already made it out safely. So what's the item? My photos and the box I inherited from my grandma (and my laptop)

18. The Angel of Death has descended upon you. Fortunately, the Angel of Death is pretty cool and in a good mood, and it offers you a half-hour to do whatever you want before you bite it. Whatcha gonna do in that half-hour? sex sex sex and more sex

19. You accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what's even cooler is that they endow you with the super-power of your choice! What's it gonna be? To read minds or fly (yep me too)

20. You can re-live any point of time in your life. The time-span can only be a half-hour, though. What half-hour of your past would you like to experience again? This was a toughie as there isn't a lot that I'd actually like to relive. I'd probably go waaay back to when I was a kid and running around the neighbourhood with my friends playing 40/40 (a kinda hide and seek game).

21. You can erase any horrible experience from your past. What will it be? (the answer "nothing" doesn't count) nothing pffft as if... One particular ex-boyfriend, no surprise. (ditto)

22. You got kicked out of the country for being a time-traveling heathen who sleeps with celebrities and has super-powers. But check out this cool shit... you can move to anywhere else in the world! Bitchin'! Would it be redundant if I said Abu Dhabi? So as not to be repetative I'd probably say Holland or Vanuatu.

23. This question still counts, even for those of you who are under age. Check it out. You have been eternally banned from every single bar in the world except for ONE. Which one is it gonna be? I can't spell it out as it would give my location away but it's initials are ABN. Awesome beer battered chips and frosty cold beer.

24. Hopefully you didn't mention this in the super-powers question.... If you did, then we'll just expand on that. Check it out... Suddenly, you have gained the ability to FLOAT!!! Whose house are you going to float to first, and be like "Dude, check it out... I can FLOAT!"? my mate Chip, no particular reason, I just think she'd get a kick out of it.

25. The constant absorption of magical moonbeams mixed with the radioactive vegetables you consumed earlier has given you the ability to resurrect the dead famous-person of your choice. So which celebrity will you bring back to life? River Phoenix or Kurt Cobain, actually Andy Warhol would be good for a laugh too. (again as long as they're lifelike and not all stinky n stuff)

26. The Celestial Gates of Beyond have opened, much to your surprise because you didn't think such a thing existed. Death appears. As it turns out, Death is actually a pretty cool entity, and happens to be in a fantastic mood. Death offers to return the friend/family-member/person, etc. of your choice to the living world. Who will you bring back? My Grandpop (my dad's dad). He was an awesome man and I wish I had more time to spend with him and learn from him.

27. What's your theme song? No sorry this is just too difficult to answer as there are waaay too many songs. it would have to be a theme soundtrack of at least 12 songs ;) Wait, maybe The Hollow by A Perfect Circle... that could sorta sum it up... well for now anyway

And consider yourself tagged if you dig it.

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Tuesday, July 17, 2007

That's not phunny

I'm still in a feral mood so I'll leave you with the below meagre offering instead of a lot of inane ranting and raving... I'll refine my rant and give it to you later.


1. A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired.

2. What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway).

3. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

4. A backwards poet writes inverse.

5. In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

6. She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.

7. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

8. If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

9. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

10. Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A- flat minor.

11. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

12. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

13. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

14. You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

15. Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

16. He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

17. Every calendar's days are numbered.

18. A lot of money is tainted. It taint yours and it taint mine.

19. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

20. He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

21. A plateau is a high form of flattery.

22. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

23. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

24. Once you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

25. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

26. When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye.

27. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

28. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

29. Acupuncture is a jab well done.

30. Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

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Thursday, July 12, 2007

I really fucking hate being right sometimes.

I don't know why I'm so suprised really. I was 80% sure I was right and now I'm 110% sure I'm right. Doesn't change things but that doesn't mean I'm not allowed to be fuckin cranky about it is it?

Today I abused my power and found something I probably shouldn't have. I did something I shouldn't have and I opened it and read it and then read some more. The fact that it belongs to my ex boyfriend and confirmed that I was merely a side salad for the 16 months that we went out is no news to me but still... fucker, I want to rip his eyes out.

I'm really fuckin angry again and while I'm angry at him for doing that to me (not that I knew it at the time) but I'm more angry at myself again for being so goddam blind. Little things that didn't make sense and that I just brushed off at the time.... It was only after we broke up that everything made sense. And now it's all crystal fucking clear.

I toyed with the idea of confronting him about it all but ultimately what's it going to achieve? Nothing. I'd confront him, he'd tell me I'm right, conversation over. (or he lies and I kill him but that'd be messy). I already know I'm right. And I've got the emails to prove it. The sadistic side of me gained such pleasure at reading the stuff I did and revelling in the fact that he kept those emails and how much they must have hurt him but at the same time it hurt to see the side of him talking to her in a way that I always wanted and never had.

Before today I had pieced together our "relationship" through conversations with mutual friends. The thing is that when we were going out we didn't tell anyone at work (we used to work together) and because of that, and the right question here and there to our mutual friends, I found out the whole story. I didn't want to believe that I was right because I didn't want to think that he was capable of being so deceptive, of being so two faced and so sweet to me at the same time. Fuckin prick.

And then on top of all of that, R kissed me on the lips today after I told him what I discovered. I hated him a little for that. The fact that he has the same name, his birthday is 4 days before X's and he too already has a fucking girlfriend.... still thinking about himself and not me...

grrrrrrrrrrrrrr........

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Monday, July 09, 2007

droughts, fires, floods, rockin blogs - beware the plagues of locusts!

Well I'm back! Did you miss me? Better get comfy cuz I have a bit to catch up on.

What was going to be a quick sojourn into the country turned into 3 weeks of watery hell. Only a few months ago I was bitching about the drought we're in and how dry it is... But it's a funny country I live in. It seems we're now in the midst of a mass of floods. When they start reporting plagues of locusts I'm building m'self a bunker!

I went interstate to visit a pal of mine who had just popped out a sprog (a blue one named Jake) and got stuck there for 3 weeks as we got flooded in. All of the roads in and around the town were flooded and the town itself was under water for 2 days. We almost got airlifted out of there by a squadron of helicopters on the worst day but as the house is on stilts we were OK. Probably one of the most bizarre experiances of my life really. It's kinda surreal when you're surrounded by floodwaters and back home they're talking about Stage 4 water restrictions.

Anyway the bridge was reopened last week and I made my soggy way back home. Got a very warm welcome home from M'Lord which was really cute. Never seen such a happy chap.

And never seen so much email in my inbox. I feel loved! We'll just ignore the fact that half of it was spam, those folks peddling viagra and russian brides love me too in their own special way. And not only that but I was made speechless (which is a rarity for me) by being honored with an award... I'm a Rockin Girl Blogger!! Who would have known? Go me! WLFG thought me worthy of the award and I have to pass it on to 5 other rockin gals... that's the hard part because most of the blogs I read are boys so lemme see what I can do. Otherwise, surprise surprise, there's a Rockin Boy Blogger award so allow me to sprinkle a few of those about if I fall short.

I dunno the rules of this thing but the first one that sprung to mind would be the gal that gave the me award because of the awesomeness that she is but I prolly can't do that since she's already been awarded.

So lemme pay it forward a little: (in random order)


The Rantings of a Not So Starving Writer
I started reading Brianne at her old blog and got hooked. Her life has more twists and turns than a rollercoaster and is way better than The Bold and the Beautiful. She makes me laugh a lot and I love her no bullshit attitude. Anyone that extends their birthday to a weeklong party rocks my world.

Chat Shit
Ditto with Fuckkit really. I started reading her on her old blog when she was still stuck in the UK and now she's travelling around my fair country causing chaos and mayhem wherever she goes whilst discovering the delights of goon and crisping her pale pommy skin.




Starting Next Monday
The Big Cheese, my favourite man. Two words - fucking hilarious. His blog should come with a warning - do not eat food and read this blog because the amount of times I've been sipping some tea or eating something and almost choked to death or sprayed tea on the screen is just stoopid. His was the first blog I ever read and was one of the reasons I started my own. So there, it's your fault Cheese :P

Lance Morrison
For some reason I always want to call him Lancey Pants but somehow resist the urge ;} Basically he's one half of the main reason I'd like to visit to Canada. I don't think that my life would be complete without meeting him.

The Dive Bar Verses
Hermes, not much more I can say because he's the wordsmith. In fact I'm not even going to tell him about this award as I'm sure it means nothing to him but I love to read his writings and glad he's back after a little hiatus. I remember the first post I read a few years ago and it was just so dirty and raw I had to read it a couple times just to soak it all in. He just has a way of taking you right there so that you can see it so clearly. I'm quite envious really.

Well that's about it for today. I've got more to catch up on but I'm just going to end up giving you eye strain so I'll leave some for tomorrow. Good to read you all again, I feel like I've been away for the longest time.

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