Again, I've been slacking off. Actually I've taken back to paper, yep have rediscovered my journal. But my conscience couldn't leave you alone. I can't even begin to recap over the past couple of months since I've last posted. Lets just say that I'm going to be so glad once this year is over but at the same time I've discovered happiness. Funny because it seems to have been a completely shite year for most people I know. 2010 is going to have a lot to live up to. Either way as long as it's better than 2009 then it's good for me.

My beautiful man does actually have a girlfriend at the moment but poor man, doesn't quite realise that he's mine yet. I know that things will work out my way one way or another. I am manifesting a date for NYE although he hasn't made himself known to me yet. Next week eh?

And I've had an odd realisation during this time. Happiness is not something you find but something you create. All this time I've been waiting for it to find me... and it's something I need to make myself. To change MY way of thinking. Huge DUH moment huh? Needless to say the past couple of months have been particularly happy.

Of course except today when I've let things get to me a little bit. But I blame the full moon for my frustrations and irritations. I know it won't last long and nothing that champagne won't help.

Celebrated the 1st anniversary of M'Lord's death last month, was particularly awful and tearfilled so I won't go into it in detail. But even a year later I miss him like it was yesterday. Still haven't quite had the courage to adopt a new friend. Just not the same and I'm just not sure I can hack that connection yet. There's one particular tile, his tile, that just kills me when I look at it. As much as possible I try not to go there because when I do I just end up a howling mess. I do not look forward to the day when I lose a human.

Xmas on the way and I have more to say about that in my next post but right now the champers is kicking in and I'm losing coherency and my fingers are starting to type rubbish.... ;}

Hoppy birdy two ewes

Well it's the eve of my birthday so time for a little reflection on the past year. Firstly I was wrong about my year cycle last year. I was in a year one this year not a year 5. I calculated it wrong. And boy does it make some sense now (click here to read what a numerological year 1 is all about) . This year I've shifted a lot of weight, both physically and mentally. I've let go of a lot and hopefully made room for new things to come in. The main theme this year was governed by the phrase "It is not easy to eliminate a dependency if you don’t know its emotional cause. Knowing the emotional reason for a dependency makes it much easier to understand and leave behind." and I've discovered quite a lot about myself by attempting that.

Interestingly there is a new moon on my birthday. New moons are a great time for manifesting new things to come into your life. So for my birthday wish for the next year I wish for three things:

1) a boyfriend
2) good friends
3) a new job

Those three things are the key to my happiness at the moment. It's pretty simple really:

1) I need to love and be loved
2) I need more fun and laughter in my life and have someone I can ring when I need to talk.
3) this one is a tricky one as it comes with a lot of guilt, sadness and fear. I've been with the same company for 10 years but today I decided that it's time for a change. I looked at the employment pages and was actually excited by the prospects. I'll be really sad to leave as I know just about everyone in the organisation and it really is a great place to work despite all the shitola that's been going on. Not to blow my own horn but they're going to be in trouble when I leave which gives me the guilts. I know I'm not irreplaceable but there is a lot of corporate knowledge in my head which will leave them in the lurch. And good luck to my replacement for reasons I can't explain for the dooce factor. I'll be breaking out of my comfort zone and that's always scary but at the same time exhilarating.

All in all I'm excited by the coming year and what feels like a fresh start, bring on Year 2. I received this in my inbox today and it kinds sums it all up for me:

> This is one of the big power portals of the solar year, the
> mid-point between the September Equinox and December Solstice, a
> bubbling cauldron of possibilities fueled by Scorpio's promise of
> transcendence. Death. Communion. Rebirth. The phoenix rises from the
> ashes of its former self. We are reborn with the Scorpio New Moon on
> November 9.

And because I love it so much I'll leave you with my birthday toad. That was me last year but this year, not so much. Hoppy birdy to me and I love you all.

Et toi?

I'm considering myself tagged because I'm still too fuckin cranky to write anything that makes coherent sense and doesn't smack of whining so you get this thanks to WLFG:

1. You can press a button that will make any one person explode. Can I just make someone's dick explode off instead? No need for a quick and painless death...

2. You can flip a switch that will wipe any band or musical artist out of existence. Which one will it be? Probaby Michael Jackson.

3. Who would you really like to just punch in the face? The wizard. Lets not go there.

4. What is your favorite cheese? mmm cheeese, I'm quite partial to a gooey brie on some nice toasted italian or french bread. Or Havarti, or Emmenthal, or Komijnekaas, or (while technically not a cheese per se) Boursin (the garlic and herbs one the most) Any cheese really mmm cheese

5. You can only have one kind of sandwich. Every sandwich ingredient known to humankind is at your immediate disposal. What kind will you make? I'm a simple gal... on toasted wholemeal (with butter) - black current jam with crunchy peanut butter. I do like avocado and peanut butter on toast too... or nutella and peanut butter.. are you sensing a theme? And not to mention Vegemite on toast. aaawesome!

6. You have the opportunity to sleep with the movie celebrity of your choice. We are talking no-strings-attached sex and it can only happen once. pfft that's a no brainer, Josh Holloway aka Sawyer. Actually can I make mine a threesome and throw in Josh Hartnett in there as well? (and Billy Zane and Jensen Ackles as a backup)

7. You have the opportunity to sleep with the music-celebrity of your choice. Who do you pick? Chris Cornell or Sebastian Bach closely followed by Simon LeBon

8. Now that you've slept with two different people in a row, you seem to be having an excellent day because you just came across a hundred-dollar bill on the sidewalk. Holy shit, a hundred bucks! How are you gonna spend it? Shoes! Shoes or boots. If I still smoked I'd be off to get a quarter...

9. You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere. You have to depart right now. Where are you gonna go? Awesome! I'd be off to Abu Dhabi to go and see Benji. (did I mention that he sent me an email the other day *sigh*)

10. Upon arrival to the aforementioned location, you get off the plane and discover another hundred-dollar bill. Shit! Now that you are in the new location, what are you gonna do? I'd shout a nice dinner for Benji and moi and buy copious bottles of la plonko reddo for us to quaff.

11. An angel appears out of Heaven and offers you a lifetime supply of the alcoholic beverage of your choice. It is...? Vodka and old fashioned lemonade or VB beer. Or Amaretto. (are you getting that I'm not a one choice kinda gal??)

12. Rufus appears out of nowhere with a time-traveling phone booth. You can go anytime in the PAST. What time are you traveling to and what are you going to do when you get there? duuuude I'd go back to about 1920 and go and study in the Bauhaus school in germany and soak up the designy goodness.

13. You discover a beautiful island upon which you may build your own society. You make the rules. What is the first rule you put into place? Clothes optional. euuwww no wait that could get ugly. The first rule of TG island is that you don't talk about TG island ;)

14. You have been given the opportunity to create the half-hour TV show of your own design. What is it called and what's the premise? Stalker and it's basically about me stalking my top 10 eye candy celebs and perving on them. (and not getting arrested for it)

15. What is your favorite curse word? Fuck, slunt or dicksnacker.

16. One night you wake up because you heard a noise. You turn on the light to find that you are surrounded by MUMMIES. The mummies aren't really doing anything, they're just standing around your bed. What do you do? Ask them what they're doing here and shouldn't they go back to their families... oh you mean the egyptian kind.. meh they don't really bother me as long as they don't stink. I'd ask them how the after life is goin...

17. Your house is on fire, holy shit! You have just enough time to run in there and grab ONE inanimate object. Don't worry, your loved ones and pets have already made it out safely. So what's the item? My photos and the box I inherited from my grandma (and my laptop)

18. The Angel of Death has descended upon you. Fortunately, the Angel of Death is pretty cool and in a good mood, and it offers you a half-hour to do whatever you want before you bite it. Whatcha gonna do in that half-hour? sex sex sex and more sex

19. You accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what's even cooler is that they endow you with the super-power of your choice! What's it gonna be? To read minds or fly (yep me too)

20. You can re-live any point of time in your life. The time-span can only be a half-hour, though. What half-hour of your past would you like to experience again? This was a toughie as there isn't a lot that I'd actually like to relive. I'd probably go waaay back to when I was a kid and running around the neighbourhood with my friends playing 40/40 (a kinda hide and seek game).

21. You can erase any horrible experience from your past. What will it be? (the answer "nothing" doesn't count) nothing pffft as if... One particular ex-boyfriend, no surprise. (ditto)

22. You got kicked out of the country for being a time-traveling heathen who sleeps with celebrities and has super-powers. But check out this cool shit... you can move to anywhere else in the world! Bitchin'! Would it be redundant if I said Abu Dhabi? So as not to be repetative I'd probably say Holland or Vanuatu.

23. This question still counts, even for those of you who are under age. Check it out. You have been eternally banned from every single bar in the world except for ONE. Which one is it gonna be? I can't spell it out as it would give my location away but it's initials are ABN. Awesome beer battered chips and frosty cold beer.

24. Hopefully you didn't mention this in the super-powers question.... If you did, then we'll just expand on that. Check it out... Suddenly, you have gained the ability to FLOAT!!! Whose house are you going to float to first, and be like "Dude, check it out... I can FLOAT!"? my mate Chip, no particular reason, I just think she'd get a kick out of it.

25. The constant absorption of magical moonbeams mixed with the radioactive vegetables you consumed earlier has given you the ability to resurrect the dead famous-person of your choice. So which celebrity will you bring back to life? River Phoenix or Kurt Cobain, actually Andy Warhol would be good for a laugh too. (again as long as they're lifelike and not all stinky n stuff)

26. The Celestial Gates of Beyond have opened, much to your surprise because you didn't think such a thing existed. Death appears. As it turns out, Death is actually a pretty cool entity, and happens to be in a fantastic mood. Death offers to return the friend/family-member/person, etc. of your choice to the living world. Who will you bring back? My Grandpop (my dad's dad). He was an awesome man and I wish I had more time to spend with him and learn from him.

27. What's your theme song? No sorry this is just too difficult to answer as there are waaay too many songs. it would have to be a theme soundtrack of at least 12 songs ;) Wait, maybe The Hollow by A Perfect Circle... that could sorta sum it up... well for now anyway

And consider yourself tagged if you dig it.

Super MeMe!

I'll see you your 8 WLFG and raise you 100! I was sent this today at work and thought I'd share because it was kinda fun to write - it's simple, write 100 random things about yourself.




1 For the purposes of this exercise my name is TG - if I told you my real name I'd have to kill you and I probably like you too much to do that.

2 I'm named after a renaissance painter's wife and my middle name after a Queen mother [not the British one]

3 There are various paintings of my namesake, I have a copy of one hanging on my wall at home.

4 I've also had a sculpture named after me which was entered into a competition and won second prize.

5 My fathers side of the family can be traced back to 1190 and I'm related to royalty waaaay back there. My ancestors were not convicts.

6 I come from a very creative family. My mother's side of the family are all painters and sculptors and my mother's uncle worked on restoring The Night Watch.

7 As a result I'm pretty creative, I paint, sculpt, draw, bead, sew, weave, been involved in the theatre in a backstage capacity for 18 years and am obsessed with interior design.

8 My little brother is my idol, he constantly amazes me with his talents and awesome personality. I want to be just like him when I grow up. I think he's a better person than I ever will be and I'm glad that he's learned from my mistakes over the years. I really wish I could have been a better big sister when we were growing up.

9 I've always wanted to have a close relationship with my grandparents but it never happened because we moved so often. Now that they're all gone I regret not making more of an effort.

10 I have visited or lived on every continent.

11 I secretly wish my parents would get back together even though they've been divorced for 14 years. At least they're good friends and we spend all of the occasions together as a family.

12 My family is very close despite the divorce and in some ways I think the divorce brought us all closer. We still do all of the holidays & birthdays together so it still feels like we're all together.

13 I'm over protective of my Mum and punched out her last boyfriend for 'abusing' her. I had to be restrained before I did him some serious damage. [this psycho killed one of her male friend's cat because he was jealous that she was having dinner with another male, he used to sneak under her house to see who was visiting her etc etc etc - a real fuckin psycho asshole]

14 Apart from psycho asshole there I've never picked a fight but have been in a few fistfights in highschool. I'm really tall and it was always the shorties with something to prove that picked me. In all those fights I've never 'lost'... heheh two hits... [me hitting you, you hitting the floor]

15 I thought I was queen shit of turd mountain in the last two years of highschool and had a rep as a toughie although never really did anything seriously bad to deserve it. Although I guess a few fist fights and being in detention a lot for skipping classes helped my reputation.

16 I've known my bestest friend for 19 years, we met in highschool and we've only had one real argument (which was last year).

17 I hated my next bestest friend and her group when we were in highschool. We've been friends for the last 13 years

18 We've almost always had a cat in the family but I'd still like to have a dog at some stage (or a snake).

19 His Lordship is the first cat that I've ever purchased. All our other cats have adopted us.

20 His Lordship's real name is really funny but I can't tell you that either cuz enough people know it blah blah see 1.

21 I screen calls when I'm home. The important people in my life know this and will chatter a bit on the machine until I pick up. I hate being bugged by telesales people but I will be polite when I tell them to bugger off as they're human too.

22 I won't answer the door if I see hawkers through the doorpeep.

23 I've been waxing since I was 14 and hardly grow any hair anymore and I LOVE the feeling of being waxed.

24 I love the smell of the inside of a washing machine and the inside of a M&Ms packet

25 I know what I want to be when I grow up but I don't know how to get there.

26 This frustrates the hell out of me! The longer it goes on the stronger the urge is.

27 I think I'm sexual deviant. I'm not normal. I've had over 12,410 orgasms and want to have my own bondage dungeon.

28 Further to that, there's not a lot I haven't seen or done.

29 I have more porn than anyone I know and have actually discovered some boring porn.

30 I can't stand it when people stop and have a chat in the middle of a busy walkway at the mall. I've gotten to the age now where if people do it I will stop and ask them to move to the side a little because if I don't I have to restrain myself from making snippy comments as I pass.

31 I hate the way other people drive like maniacs. I drive perfectly of course.

32 My biggest pet peev is bad customer service in a customer service industry. Drives me batshit!

33 That being said I strive for customer service excellence and won 4 CEO awards for it in 2004. YAY me!

34 I'd love to be an events manager or wedding planner. So up my alley organising all the little details.

35 I'd love to open my own restaurant [or cafe or bar]

36 I've always been a bit of a tomboy but I've found that in the last couple of years that I'm getting really girly girly. And I like it!

37 I have an irrational fear of twisting my ankle and falling down the stairs. For some reason I think about it a lot.

38 I really don't understand politics. It's all shit to me.

39 I can wiggle my middle toe independently of the others. On both feet.

40 I love Lost and Survivor especially since I have a deserted island fantasy. I'm not really sure why it appeals to me so much but I'd love to be on a deserted island [or own my own island so I can pretend!]

41 I love puzzles, brain teasers, sudoku, crosswords, riddles and secrets.

42 I find it really hard to make top 5 lists of movies or music because I like so many so I have to redefine it into top 5 right now or top 5 of all time because they're very different lists.

43 I fuckin like to fuckin swear, a fuckin lot.

44 I'm not religious although I'd like to believe that there's something out there watching over us and guiding us. Whether it's "God" or spirit or Universe or whatever. Guess that makes me sortof agnostic.

45 I believe that people should have the right to believe in whatever entity they want and not be judged or attacked for it.

46 That being said I don't understand holy wars. I don't understand how people have the strength of belief in something they can't prove. And in some ways I'm envious of that faith.

47 I’m scared of World War III happening in my lifetime.

48 I could quite happily get cosmetic surgery. No problemo.

49 I develop crushes too easily.

50 I hate it when people talk at you and don't listen to what you're saying. Like they're just waiting for to finish talking so that they can speak again.

51 Out of all the superpowers there are I'd like to be able to fly and read minds.

52 I can't live without my sunglasses

53 I must have at least one coffee in the morning or else the people in my vicinity just aren't safe. I am not a morning person and need that coffee to warm up the care factor. It's a 'rule' that's joked about at work - "Do not ask TG dumb questions before first coffee".

54 I sleep really badly and have extremely vivid dreams all night and wake up feeling unrefreshed. I used to sleepwalk a lot and occasionally still have the odd wander around the house when I'm asleep. Usually about once a year [or more if I'm seriously stressed] I've been a bad sleeper since birth.

55 I always remember my dreams and keep a dream journal

56 I have a few recurring dreams and they're pretty weird. There are 3 main themes to them. One is that I can touch my toes while sitting with my legs outstretched or that I can do the splits. The second one usually involves me wearing the retainer I used to have when I had braces at age 14. And the last involves gum, you know when you've been chewing a bit of gum for way too long and it starts to disintegrate - my dream is usually about gum that is all goopy like that and stuck to the roof of my mouth and I'm trying to scoop it out. Of course I have the usual plane crashing, falling off cliffs and sex dreams as recurring dreams but I think they're the oddest one of the recurring ones.

57 I've experienced deja vu from past dreams so I sort of believe in my dreams as I have dreamt of things happening in the future which have come true. I certainly pay attention to my dreams. Very spooky that.

58 I really want my mum to be a grandmother before she dies.

59 I'm scared of losing her to this brain tumour too quickly. It tears my heart to shreds to even think of losing her. While she drives me crazy sometimes I can't imagine what I'd do without her.

60 I’m also scared of physically not being able to have a child

61 I was pregnant when I was 19 and was beaten until I miscarried and since then I’ve had troubles with the ole womanly parts which is why I’m worried about 60. And I’m not getting any younger so my fertility is diminishing with every day that passes.

62 At the same time, kids can really shit me and I wonder how I’ll cope being a parent. I think I’ll be a good mother but I wonder how my patience will hold up considering it’s my own kid.

63 I hope my child turns out nothing like me.

64 And I really want a boy, I think I’d be a little bit disappointed if I had a girl if I’m honest with myself.

65 I cry at sad movies, happy movies too! Small kindnesses make me cry too. Just can't help myself - crybaby ;}

66 I still miss smoking pot. I used to smoke every day for a while but I'm so thankful that I've quit and got on with my life.

67 I don't think I'm as clever as I pretend to be. I often wonder how much smoking pot for so long has done to my brain and I thank god for the coping /cover up skills I’ve developed

68 I have a tattoo and want more

69 I love being a smartass and I usually get away with it as I do it in a cheeky matey matey way.

70 I love peanut butter and black current jam sandwiches, preferably on toast.

71 I love any sort of chocolate and peanut/peanut butter combination like Peanut butter M&M's Butterfingers, Reeces Pieces Peanut butter cups

72 love pancakes with bacon and maple syrup

73 I don't like Kiwi fruit [unless it's really sour and tangy], lychees, water chestnuts or lamb

74 I have a facial and a pedicure every Sunday and change the toe paint then too.

75 I try on every cute guy's last name... just in case it rings true.

76 I love reading the Sunday paper in the sun with the cat on my lap. True bliss

77 I don't like singing in public or in front of people, to the point where I often mouth Happy Birthday, but I love to sing at home or in the car when I know that no one is listening.

78 I'm a bit dyslexic, even when I type but because I can type fast, the delete key is often in use.

79 I really want to drive a Mac truck around, just once.

80 I hated school, so much I can’t even express it. I laugh whenever people say that school times was the best times in their lives. No no, not for me. I couldn’t wait to get out and every minute I’ve spent out of school has been my best time.

81 I won't leave the house without my eye makeup but I rarely wear lipstick.

82 I don’t like how I look without makeup and can be lazy about taking it off at night

83 I've been in 6 car accidents, 3 in which I was driving, two of which I was at fault. No serious injuries in any of them thanks to seat belts. The closest, most nastiest one was with a friend driving in a 4 wheel drive and she flipped the car a couple of times and we ended up upside down. I had only just put my seat belt back on as the Coca Cola had fallen on the floor and I couldn't reach with my seatbelt on. I've been VERY lucky. The 'funny' thing is that once we'd landed, the tape deck was the only thing still working and it was still playing and to this day I can't listen to Jimmy Barnes when he sings "River Deep, Mountain high", gives me the willys.

84 I always make a wish on a falling star, wishbone or when I'm blowing out candles.

85 I hate ironing and avoid it whenever possible

86 I almost never make my bed. I reckon that I'm only going to mess it up in a couple of hours anyway. BUT I do love fresh sheets and that's probably the only time my bed resembles a made bed. heheh although if there's someone coming over that needs impressing I can manage to drag the covers in an orderly fashion

87 I'm always on time or 5 minutes early. I'm a real stickler for being on time and if I'm not going to make it on time for some reason I always call. I hate being late!

88 Speaking of time, I've had the same alarm clock since I was 8

89 I don’t know how to forgive or forget. But I have learnt to tuck it away in my memory and not look at it so that it doesn't hurt as much.

90 I often want to runaway and not tell anyone. Just runaway and forget about everything. Sometimes being an adult sucks ass.

91 I love playing cards, any sort of card game.

92 I think I’m boring but I know I’m not

93 I wish that people could see me the way I see myself. Well certain aspects of me that I don’t share for whatever self preservation bullshit I spin myself.

94 I wish I could just let go and BE

95 I’m shit scared of flight turbulence. To the point where I’ll come off the plane with bleeding palms from digging my nails in my palms from clenching my fists so tightly. Stoopid thing is that I know that there’s nothing I can do about it and I know I‘m being dumb, it’s just a control thing. But I love travelling.

96 By the same token, I’m not a good car passenger. It’s because I’m not driving. (again the control thing)

97 There is no such thing as third chances with me. You only get one second chance and after that…zip. No third time lucky because in my experiences there's been no such thing.

98 I don’t like walking into a crowded room alone. Makes me really uncomfortable.

99 I often feel like the odd one out. I think it stems from a lot of things but that’s a whole other post

100 I can't pee if someone is within earshot. It's just physically impossible :]

and tag you're it if you could be bothered.