So.....

So I know its been a long, loooong while since we last spoke but I think I'll be back talking to you more often for a while over the next 12 months. You see I'm going on an epic roadtrip and I think I'm going to need you to talk to in that time. I started another blog for friends and family to follow my travels and to share travel photos (and hilarious anecdotes* with) but I think I'm going to need you to talk to anonymously, to get down to the deeper things that I'm not comfortable sharing with those other readers. It's not something I feel I can do considering the audience of the new blog as this one is relatively anonymous. I don't leave til october so I just wanted to let you know haha.

*all anecdotes may or may not be hilarious based on your sense of humour

So howz it goin?

Cuz I'm feeling crap and low tonight. Not that tonight is different than any other night after 'the great revelation' and while I wish that was greater than it sounds it's really only the realisation that I haven't had a serious relationship in 10 years. And you'll excuse me as I say 10 fucking years because that's what it is in my head. As in 10 FUCKING YEARS. I've had little flings here and there but in terms of "committed relationships", you know, relationships from the heart, and even then, what I thought was a relationship was a farce so it's probably more than that but I'm already depressed so let's not go there right now OK?

It's all been weighing on my mind lately, it's something that bugs me constantly. A friend of mine put it so eloquently today "one may have a blazing hearth in ones soul and yet no one comes to sit by it" I KNOW I'm a 'catch' and yet no one can see this book for it's cover. What am I sposed to do about that? I know most guys don't look beneath the cover first. I've been asking all of my friends that and they don't seem to be able to come up with any suggestions that I haven't already tried. So what am I sposed to do? Really? Because I for one am out of ideas. Completely.

So I'm open to suggestions dear reader if you're out there. If not, it's just BAU :)

Hmmmmmm

So I slave away all day, stressed out by morons and incompetents who don't do the job that they're paid to do and then have the nerve to also whinge about the job that they're paid to do. I work long hours, deal with daily frustrations which just happen to be the same frustrations I've dealt with before in that endless cycle of purgatory because the organisation can't seem to learn lessons, move forward or get out of the rut of "the way things are done". I deal with a whole lot of crap and am still thankful that I have this hellish job and the money it gives me.

I work in a job that doesn't interest or excite me in any way and which I drag my ass out of my comfortable bed for. I do all of this just so that I get my weekly pay packet and can afford to live and pay my bills. I do this so that I can buy things that I don't necessarily need or want but have the privilege to buy so I do. Things that I will look at once and then forget and not appreciate them. Things that I will lust after but mean nothing in the grand scheme of things and are essentially worthless despite their price tag. All of this nonsense for what? WTF?

Sometimes life doesn't make a whole lot of sense.

File this under "things you don't want to know about your co-workers"

Now let me just preface this by saying that I already have toilet issues ie I usually get stage fright if there is anyone else within earshot so if I know someone could be listening nothing's happenin. 6 months ago I moved offices and where I am in my building I can either go to a 3 stall loo or a 2 stall loo (or if I really want to trek there is my fave 1 stall loo waaaay down the other end of the building). So I've been trying to overcome my "issues" and have a few strategies in place but I'm still finding it hard to deal with a) hearing grunts and sighs of people shitting in the stalls next to me b) having anyone sitting in the stall directly next to me because unfortunately for me I have an extremely vivid imagination so there might as well not be any sort of partition next to me as I can see the person and what they're doing all too well and c) toilet acknowledgment - ie the nod or "hi" that is required when you're washing your hands or walking out or whatever when someone you know is walking in. All too intimate for me... anyway...

All of that (and more) aside... one thing that I'm not coping with too well is the, now, intimate knowledge of my co-workers, the people I have to deal with and sit with on a daily basis's personal hygiene. This is something I DO NOT NEED TO KNOW. So when I walk into the 3 stall loo the other day and there is someone in stall 1 I promptly take stall 3 to keep that buffer between us and try and do my thing. Stall1gal flushes and walks out to the sink and swishes the water on for 2 seconds then grabs some paper towels.... I'm thinking a two second token turning on of the tap does not equate to washing ones hands. Not that I'm a germaphobe or anything like that but I do believe in washing hands after toileting. So as not to get, as my friend calls it "doodle fingers" when she is talking to her small son about washing his hands. So I'm a lil grossed out and and finish my bidness and walk out hoping this person has left as it's already been a significant time and they should have left already but no... there stands my big boss. eeeuuuuwwwwwwwwwwww. Now I'm just grossed out AND she starts to talk to me about work stuff while I'm washing my hands, with soap, while she's just chat chatting away... I didn't say anything but was tempted.... I mean eeuuuwwwww I can't look at her the same way and I'm damn well not touching anything she has.

My previously mentioned fave 1 stall loo on the other side of the building is actually a unisex loo which has also come with similar unsavoury stories as the above as in I've been walking past, heard a flush then the door has immediately opened and people I know have walked out... flushing and walking out = no hand washing which = doodle fingers (and they've been guys so they really do have doodle fingers) = eeuuw you gross bastards.

Not fucking hard to wash your hands... gross.

And now that I've severely grossed myself out with that, I'm not going to tell you more stories which could be filed under "waaay too much information" because no doubt once I've overcome the nausea I'll tell you them too. yeech

Not actually dead

Anonymous asked me a little while ago (April!) Whether I'd stopped blogging... and the answer is yes and no. I've been meaning to blog for the longest time and isn't it the thought that counts? no? okay then well here I am in the fleshy flesh. At the time of Anon's question I had a really good post and damned if I can find it now. Damn you real life for getting in the way. It's almost 6 months since my last post and to be honest I haven't been faithful to my paper diary either so it's sulking just as much as you. I had too much real life emotional stuff going on that I couldn't commit it to paper or this electronic paper so I hope you forgive me for both indiscretions. My paper diary did so, so should you because I do intend to blog here a little more often than 6 monthly intervals. I mean I'm living out my own pet peeve - interesting blogs that have these sporadic boring ass updates (and yeah I'm tootin my own horn with the "interesting" toot toot!)

And wouldn't you know it I just found the inspiring bit I wanted to post:



dammit how did that get in there... that's not what I meant - what I really meant was this speech:

> SPEECH BY ANNA QUINDLEN
>
> This was a speech made by Pulitzer Prize-winning author, Anna Quindlen
> at the graduation ceremony of an American university where she was
> awarded an Honorary PhD.
>
> "I'm a novelist. My work is human nature. Real life is all I know. Don't
> ever confuse the two, your life and your work. You will walk out of here
> this afternoon with only one thing that no one else has. There will be
> hundreds of people out there with your same degree: there will be
> thousands of people doing what you want to do for a living. But you will
> be the only person alive who has sole custody of your life. Your
> particular life. Your entire life. Not just your life at a desk or your
> life on a bus or in a car or at the computer. Not just the life of your
> mind, but the life of your heart. Not just your bank accounts but also
> your soul.
>
> People don't talk about the soul very much anymore. It's so much easier
> to write a resume than to craft a spirit. But a resume is cold comfort
> on a winter's night, or when you're sad, or broke, or lonely, or when
> you've received your test results and they're not so good.
>
> Here is my resume: I am a good mother to three children. I have tried
> never to let my work stand in the way of being a good parent. I no
> longer consider myself the centre of the universe. I show up. I listen.
> I try to laugh. I am a good friend to my husband. I have tried to make
> marriage vows mean what they say. I am a good friend to my friends and
> them to me. Without them, there would be nothing to say to you today,
> because I would be a cardboard cut out. But I call them on the phone and
> I meet them for lunch. I would be rotten, at best mediocre, at my job if
> those other things were not true.
>
> You cannot be really first rate at your work if your work is all you
> are. So here's what I wanted to tell you today: Get a life. A real life,
> not a manic pursuit of the next promotion, the bigger pay cheque, the
> larger house. Do you think you'd care so very much about those things if
> you blew an aneurysm one afternoon or found a lump in your breast?
>
> Get a life in which you notice the smell of salt water pushing itself on
> a breeze at the seaside, a life in which you stop and watch how a
> red-tailed hawk circles over the water, or the way a baby scowls with
> concentration when she tries to pick up a sweet with her thumb and first
> finger.
>
> Get a life in which you are not alone. Find people you love, and who
> love you. And remember that love is not leisure, it is work. Pick up the
> phone. Send an email. Write a letter. Get a life in which you are
> generous. And realize that life is the best thing ever, and that you
> have no business taking it for granted. Care so deeply about its
> goodness that you want to spread it around. Take money you would have
> spent on beer and give it to charity. Work in a soup kitchen. Be a big
> brother or sister. All of you want to do well. But if you do not do good
> too, then doing well will never be enough.
>
> It is so easy to waste our lives, our days, our hours, and our minutes.
> It is so easy to take for granted the colour of our kids' eyes, the way
> the melody in a symphony rises and falls and disappears and rises again.
> It is so easy to exist instead of to live.
>
> I learned to live many years ago. I learned to love the journey, not the
> destination. I learned that it is not a dress rehearsal, and that today
> is the only guarantee you get. I learned to look at all the good in the
> world and try to give some of it back because I believed in it,
> completely and utterly. And I tried to do that, in part, by telling
> others what I had learned. By telling them this: Consider the lilies of
> the field. Look at the fuzz on a baby's ear. Read in the back yard with
> the sun on your face.
>
> Learn to be happy. And think of life as a terminal illness, because if
> you do, you will live it with joy and passion as it ought to be lived".

So I hope you're all okay out there in blogland and I do honestly mean to post more often than every 6 months.... stay tuned mkay?

Again, I've been slacking off. Actually I've taken back to paper, yep have rediscovered my journal. But my conscience couldn't leave you alone. I can't even begin to recap over the past couple of months since I've last posted. Lets just say that I'm going to be so glad once this year is over but at the same time I've discovered happiness. Funny because it seems to have been a completely shite year for most people I know. 2010 is going to have a lot to live up to. Either way as long as it's better than 2009 then it's good for me.

My beautiful man does actually have a girlfriend at the moment but poor man, doesn't quite realise that he's mine yet. I know that things will work out my way one way or another. I am manifesting a date for NYE although he hasn't made himself known to me yet. Next week eh?

And I've had an odd realisation during this time. Happiness is not something you find but something you create. All this time I've been waiting for it to find me... and it's something I need to make myself. To change MY way of thinking. Huge DUH moment huh? Needless to say the past couple of months have been particularly happy.

Of course except today when I've let things get to me a little bit. But I blame the full moon for my frustrations and irritations. I know it won't last long and nothing that champagne won't help.

Celebrated the 1st anniversary of M'Lord's death last month, was particularly awful and tearfilled so I won't go into it in detail. But even a year later I miss him like it was yesterday. Still haven't quite had the courage to adopt a new friend. Just not the same and I'm just not sure I can hack that connection yet. There's one particular tile, his tile, that just kills me when I look at it. As much as possible I try not to go there because when I do I just end up a howling mess. I do not look forward to the day when I lose a human.

Xmas on the way and I have more to say about that in my next post but right now the champers is kicking in and I'm losing coherency and my fingers are starting to type rubbish.... ;}

It's been a while

And unfortunately most of what I want to write about is this guy, you know the one I've mentioned before. Yep HIM. Wowsers he really blows me away. At the moment he's away and boy oh boy do I miss him. More than I thought I would. More than what is normal for unrequited love. I've honestly never come across someone like him, someone who affects me so drastically. My friends are calling me cute because I get all 13 on them when I talk about him. I get the serious body flushes with the red face and sweating whenever he comes to visit. I'd bore you with the details ala before he left he asked me what I wanted him to bring me back and that he'd remembered the last time we spoke and asked if I'd spoken to him since then because he had some interesting (to me) news he had to share.....

Anyhoo, just to recap, I'll be 35 next month, not 13....

But that's how this guy makes me feel. I just want to giggle insanely all the time. He makes me HAPPY just when I think about him and things that he's said to me. Sad, so seriously sad. But at the same time I'm REALLY liking this happy high. AND it's starting to freak people out

A LOT

and that's worth it too. Most people are used to me being morose and cloudy and I'm loving this high and how much I've realised how unhappy I have been for the past... however many years it's been. Yeah. Happy. I KNOW!

weird huh!!!! So anyway despite my best intentions I'm gushing a lil, I'm sorry about that. I really can't help myself. I just wanted to log in and say hi and look what happened.

I can't even bitch about work like usual because at the moment I don't want to leave because of him (and being able to see him all the time) and it's actually making work bearable and even... enjoyable!! yeah, I hope you're sitting down. I'm not sure if it's him or whether work has just calmed down to the point where I can catch my breath and actually feel like I can achieve something for once... I dunno but it's a joy every day that I get to see him and I get on a serious high after I do.

He should be home either tomorrow or Friday so you guessed it, I can't wait. I don't want to make this sickening so you'll excuse the non postage. It's just that I'd be gushing about this man and his perfection and how insanely beautiful he is and I don't want to make you barf.