He loves me, he loves me somethingorather.....

Well went on a little coffee date with the boy from work on Friday and he really is a boy. Found out he's 24. Not that age really makes a difference to me in the grand scheme of things (I've gone out with younger) but he's a young 24 and that just makes me feel old. He was 9 when I was 18... I couldn't help feeling a little disappointed by it all afterwards but it's my own damn fault for building it up in my head the way I did (I'm good at that...). I think I wanted it to be something it turned out it wasn't, wishful thinking really. Don't get me wrong, we had a really awesome time and he's really fun to hang out with and a sweet guy (who has manners even!) but it's a no from me.

Mainly because the whole experience (and resulting introspective weekend) has made me realise that I still do hold a massively huge torch for Benji, as sad as that is, and that he's what I want. He's the ideal, the one that I measure other guys against. If I could list every single thing that I look for in a guy, he's it. Down to even the 'wish list' stuff, that's him to a T. It just doesn't help me that he's in fucking Abu Dhabi... I'm really hoping that he's going to come home for Xmas because if he does I'm going to make a move because I've either got to move on or move towards him. I'd move there if he asked me... Unfortunately for me he hasn't an inkling about how I feel which makes the whole situation even more tragic.

I've been reading "The Haunting of Hill House" and there's a line that struck me between the eyes:

"Journeys end in lovers meeting"

Again, me with the reading into things but that line has been reverberating around in my skull. I've been writing to you about this experience that I've been going through this year and the Blogger label has been The Journey because that's what it has been for me. And I'm coming to the end of this years journey, a journey that's seen a massive monumental shift in mental and physical weight for me (51kgs to date). A journey that has brought me to a place where I have come to terms with my past and the fuckheads contained therein and I'm moving forward, and now I want to move forward with someone and feel mentally and physically able to do so. So I'm putting it out to the Universe that he'll come home for Xmas so that I can get that line out of my head and move in one direction or another. Please Universe, do this for me.

Would it be crazy to stop over there on a little vacay for a few days? I've been seriously toying with the idea of stopping in on my way to europe (maybe with a stopover in Canada/US to meet some bloggers?) I've got the money and I've got the vacay days... I just think it reeks of desperation. If he doesn't come home I think that I need to do something drastic to either know one way or another otherwise I'm just never going to be able to move in either direction and will drive myself crazy with the circular tangent. And I've always been one to go out and get what I want, well mostly ;} Expensive way to win a guy huh? I think he's worth it.

Other than all of that I've had two very nice reconnections today. My friend Nuck is back in town for a brief visit and he tells me that he's engaged to the lovely Kyles. I couldn't be happier as they're two of the nicest people on the planet. They're currently based in Canada so I could conveniently visit them too if I'm out that way...

And the other blast from the past was from someone I've found myself thinking about a lot lately. She's a bit of an old soul and awesome to talk to. A mutual friend caught up with her on the weekend and passed on my number. I hope she calls because it would be nice to reconnect but if she doesn't do it soon I'm going to seek her out as I think there's a reason she's coming back into my life at this precise moment when I need guidance. Nice to reconnect with both of them actually. Old friends, new again. Nice :]

And I know I've been promising a video blog (and I type to you now on the beautiful Cherry-Oh, yep I've fully migrated) and it's coming... I promise ;}. Real life is just getting in the way.

Flirtayshun

It's been a weird sort of day today. I've had two extreme compliments from the top two bosses telling me how valued I am in this organisation. Wonder if they smell something on the air...

And hmmmm an interesting turn of events today. So let me just start with a little background first. I have a secret power that has been getting stronger and I need to be careful about using it. I can make things happen. I keep freaking Chip out with it which makes me laugh but I'm seriously going to have to be careful. Some recent examples... I sat down with my (then) boss and she says to me "so where do you want to be, what's your vision" so I laid it out, specifically, what I wanted. At the time I was couching it in terms of this is where I want it all to be in a years time. Three days later in an unforseen turn of events it all happens exactly as I'd laid it out. I couldn't have even engineered it to work the way it did.

example two. I discover that we need product xy needed to make product z work and I should have ordered it 3 orders ago. If we order product xy separately I'm going to have to pay for it out of my sections budget. I say to Chip "Right, I'm putting it out to the Universe now that someone will make an order for product z so that I can slip in product xy tomorrow. They will make an order tomorrow" Tomorrow arrives and I have in the morning I have a message on my voicemail from a client saying "oh hi, just wondering if you can give me some pricing on product z because I need to make an order?" Bingo!

So you get the point. I voice what I want and make it happen. You'll recall that I recently made 3 birthday wishes. New job, new boyfriend, new friends.

Well you know the story bout the job (still haven't heard from them by the way but I will. And of course I'll let you know when I start ;})

New boyfriend.... well there's been a little flirtation that I haven't been telling you about. Someone I see every day at work has been having little flirty chats with me. And it's pointed because people have started commenting on it in that he only talks to me and not to the two Hottie McHothots that I work with. No problemo, he's cute, he's funny, awesome occupation. No problemo. I've been finding myself thinking about him when I'm at home and just... daydreaming, y'know. So I sourced some inside intel on him on friday and found out that he had a girlfriend. Not only that but she's the daughter of someone at work. OK. Problemo. Oh well, I thought, too bad. Too bad for him! So I moved on to the weekend and tried not to feed that
little seed of disappointment that was there.

So fast forward to today (monday). I had a chat about him with Chip in the morning and offhandedly say to her "he should ditch his girlfriend, he doesn't need her when he could have me"... So fast forward to lunch. I head down to where he is testing somethingorather and I ask him how his day was going...

"mmmm okay" he says and he makes a face.

"well it is Monday, it can only get better from here" I tell him.

"Not when you're breaking up with your girlfriend" he replies.

ooooohkaaaayyyyyyyyy.....(!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

I told him I was sorry to hear that (I'm not) and my condolences blah blah and moved the conversation along to other topics til I had to go.

So my mind's awhirl with too many questions. So he's breaking up with his girlfriend eh? Wonder why? What prompted that? And why now (apart from full moon madness)? Why did he feel the need to tell me that when he hadn't even told me he had a girlfriend in the first place?

And now I've got those delicious butterflies of anticipation. I'd forgotten how nice it feels. Even if nothing happens it's nice to feel like this again.

and the new friends can be found via new employment and new boyfriend n'est pas? ;}

When did the flame burn so high and get so hot

I was listening to this song on the way home and it struck me as one of the nicest smoochy songs I've heard in a while so I thought I'd share. Tis Audioslave's Nothing Left to Say But Goodbye


Just like a rescue of a stray dog in the rain
I was hungry when you found me
And you could tell by my tail and my rib cage
What was once around me

I've been chased by a rain cloud
I was lost and nearly drowned and kicked around
But now I'm found and I won't run away

Bless your heart you gave me a home and a new start
And I will leave you never
Sleep at your feet and stay guard at your front door
I will keep things together

I've been chased by a rain cloud
I was lost and nearly drowned and kicked around
But now I'm found and I won't run away

I killed myself, threw away my mental health but nobody was blinking an eye
Backyard, basement, falling on the pavement
Nothing Left to Say But Goodbye
Nothing Left to Say But Goodbye

It's true I ran away before but be sure
I am no tail-chaser
I know a good thing when it throws me a bone
I'm your best friend forever

I've been chased by a rain cloud
I was lost and nearly drowned and kicked around
But now I'm found and I won't run away