know me, broken by my master

Well just 2 more sleeps and I'm off to Melbourne. Funny because I'm sure that the last time I spoke about it I'm sure it was 48 sleeps or something like that. How time flies eh? I'm super excited and have so many plans for my 1 short week. I'm not sure I mentioned it but I'm there chiefly for the Design+Decoration trade fair and all the side shows it has and I get to exercise my free NGV ticket to the Salvador Dali exhibition. And of course to catch up with some dear friends and to make general mischief which I'm good at doing when I'm there. I just love that city. I'm not sure what it is but as soon as the plane lands I feel like I am HOME. It's a really strange feeling, that "click" that I feel. The pure and utter romance that I feel for a city. I always feel like I'm smiling too much when I'm walking round by myself, grinning like a loon. It's completely intoxicating in the way that Maria was dancing and singing The Hills Are Alive atop that mountain. That's the way that I feel about Melbourne and it's a lil perverse really. Hard to explain the love of a city the way I feel it.

So yay two more sleeps. And I'll be staying at my favourite hotel, and yes again, I have a strange yen for staying in hotels. I love the crisp white sheets even though I pull them all out and wish for a doona. I love the complimentary coffee and tea (and my fave hotel also provides complimentary bikkies which I snarf YAY) and the mini soaps and white fluffy hotel towels. Who wouldn't love to stay in hotels I ask you???? Maybe I'm just too easily pleased but bloody hell I love hotels.

I do promise to try and post stuff while I'm in my fave town but if I get seriously engrossed in my town, which does happen, I beg your forgiveness because I just may be under this town's spell.

And on a side downer note, it has unbelievably been 8 months since I had to put down my love. Funnily enough I had my Mum's cat sit on my lap last night and that's what cracked me. The fact that I hadn't had a cat sit on my lap, purring, lapping up the chin scratchies for eight months. I was OK thinking it in my head but once I voiced it to Chloe (the cat) it broke me down. Yes I know it's been 8 months but I still miss M'Lord EVERY fucking day and I just WISH that it would get easier... when does it get easier??? please someone please bloody tell me because I fear that the answer is never. I can't look at my photos of him because they make me crack. I'm sick of seeing him in the corner of my eye around the house and expecting him to be behind the front door each and every time I walk in. I miss my 'tuck in' kisses at night. Habits are hard to break..... when does it get easier I ask you?

Anyway 2 sleeps :)

He loves me, he loves me somethingorather.....

Well went on a little coffee date with the boy from work on Friday and he really is a boy. Found out he's 24. Not that age really makes a difference to me in the grand scheme of things (I've gone out with younger) but he's a young 24 and that just makes me feel old. He was 9 when I was 18... I couldn't help feeling a little disappointed by it all afterwards but it's my own damn fault for building it up in my head the way I did (I'm good at that...). I think I wanted it to be something it turned out it wasn't, wishful thinking really. Don't get me wrong, we had a really awesome time and he's really fun to hang out with and a sweet guy (who has manners even!) but it's a no from me.

Mainly because the whole experience (and resulting introspective weekend) has made me realise that I still do hold a massively huge torch for Benji, as sad as that is, and that he's what I want. He's the ideal, the one that I measure other guys against. If I could list every single thing that I look for in a guy, he's it. Down to even the 'wish list' stuff, that's him to a T. It just doesn't help me that he's in fucking Abu Dhabi... I'm really hoping that he's going to come home for Xmas because if he does I'm going to make a move because I've either got to move on or move towards him. I'd move there if he asked me... Unfortunately for me he hasn't an inkling about how I feel which makes the whole situation even more tragic.

I've been reading "The Haunting of Hill House" and there's a line that struck me between the eyes:

"Journeys end in lovers meeting"

Again, me with the reading into things but that line has been reverberating around in my skull. I've been writing to you about this experience that I've been going through this year and the Blogger label has been The Journey because that's what it has been for me. And I'm coming to the end of this years journey, a journey that's seen a massive monumental shift in mental and physical weight for me (51kgs to date). A journey that has brought me to a place where I have come to terms with my past and the fuckheads contained therein and I'm moving forward, and now I want to move forward with someone and feel mentally and physically able to do so. So I'm putting it out to the Universe that he'll come home for Xmas so that I can get that line out of my head and move in one direction or another. Please Universe, do this for me.

Would it be crazy to stop over there on a little vacay for a few days? I've been seriously toying with the idea of stopping in on my way to europe (maybe with a stopover in Canada/US to meet some bloggers?) I've got the money and I've got the vacay days... I just think it reeks of desperation. If he doesn't come home I think that I need to do something drastic to either know one way or another otherwise I'm just never going to be able to move in either direction and will drive myself crazy with the circular tangent. And I've always been one to go out and get what I want, well mostly ;} Expensive way to win a guy huh? I think he's worth it.

Other than all of that I've had two very nice reconnections today. My friend Nuck is back in town for a brief visit and he tells me that he's engaged to the lovely Kyles. I couldn't be happier as they're two of the nicest people on the planet. They're currently based in Canada so I could conveniently visit them too if I'm out that way...

And the other blast from the past was from someone I've found myself thinking about a lot lately. She's a bit of an old soul and awesome to talk to. A mutual friend caught up with her on the weekend and passed on my number. I hope she calls because it would be nice to reconnect but if she doesn't do it soon I'm going to seek her out as I think there's a reason she's coming back into my life at this precise moment when I need guidance. Nice to reconnect with both of them actually. Old friends, new again. Nice :]

And I know I've been promising a video blog (and I type to you now on the beautiful Cherry-Oh, yep I've fully migrated) and it's coming... I promise ;}. Real life is just getting in the way.

Hoppy birdy two ewes

Well it's the eve of my birthday so time for a little reflection on the past year. Firstly I was wrong about my year cycle last year. I was in a year one this year not a year 5. I calculated it wrong. And boy does it make some sense now (click here to read what a numerological year 1 is all about) . This year I've shifted a lot of weight, both physically and mentally. I've let go of a lot and hopefully made room for new things to come in. The main theme this year was governed by the phrase "It is not easy to eliminate a dependency if you don’t know its emotional cause. Knowing the emotional reason for a dependency makes it much easier to understand and leave behind." and I've discovered quite a lot about myself by attempting that.

Interestingly there is a new moon on my birthday. New moons are a great time for manifesting new things to come into your life. So for my birthday wish for the next year I wish for three things:

1) a boyfriend
2) good friends
3) a new job

Those three things are the key to my happiness at the moment. It's pretty simple really:

1) I need to love and be loved
2) I need more fun and laughter in my life and have someone I can ring when I need to talk.
3) this one is a tricky one as it comes with a lot of guilt, sadness and fear. I've been with the same company for 10 years but today I decided that it's time for a change. I looked at the employment pages and was actually excited by the prospects. I'll be really sad to leave as I know just about everyone in the organisation and it really is a great place to work despite all the shitola that's been going on. Not to blow my own horn but they're going to be in trouble when I leave which gives me the guilts. I know I'm not irreplaceable but there is a lot of corporate knowledge in my head which will leave them in the lurch. And good luck to my replacement for reasons I can't explain for the dooce factor. I'll be breaking out of my comfort zone and that's always scary but at the same time exhilarating.

All in all I'm excited by the coming year and what feels like a fresh start, bring on Year 2. I received this in my inbox today and it kinds sums it all up for me:

> This is one of the big power portals of the solar year, the
> mid-point between the September Equinox and December Solstice, a
> bubbling cauldron of possibilities fueled by Scorpio's promise of
> transcendence. Death. Communion. Rebirth. The phoenix rises from the
> ashes of its former self. We are reborn with the Scorpio New Moon on
> November 9.

And because I love it so much I'll leave you with my birthday toad. That was me last year but this year, not so much. Hoppy birdy to me and I love you all.

how sweet it is....

Sweet revenge is having your bastard ex's eyes pop out of his face at your new and improved hottiness knowing it ain't never gonna be his EVER again. And I'm not usually a revenge kinda gal but that was a sweeeet satifying moment. Like A LOT. Suck shit asshole mwahahahaaa!

This body and mind changing journey that I've been on this year has been such a rollercoaster. It's weird to think that it's been 8 months already. Time sure has flown this year. I've now cracked one of my major weight goals (under 100kg (96 to be precise) - don't forget that I'm 6' tall please) so that's a total weight loss of 46kgs (101 pounds for you backwards type) so far. That's a small fricken child! I've lost 113 cms in total and 4-5 dress sizes depending on brand and shop. Apart from the physical weight shift I've had a bit of a mental weight shift while I was at it.

I've done away with a lot of the old thought patterns, added some good new ones. I've grown up a little more this year, I still wouldn't stretch it to call m'self mature because I don't ever want to be a mature person because that equals fuddyduddy to me. I'm still not totally there with the mind stuff but I'm working on that. And that's a whole other post that I've been brewing in the wings. Just need to catch up with some other stuff first.

It's been interesting to see how differently I'm treated now that I'm thinner and have rediscovered my inner hottie. Disappointing in some ways that people who wouldn't give me the time of day, now do. I don't know if it's because I'm the talk of my office or have some sort of new celebrity status? I get 3-4 people a day tell me how great I'm looking and what am I doing blah blah which was nice at first but I'm a bit over it now. Me being me, I'll still have a chat and whatnot but I'd rather not be told I'm the Amazing Shrinking Woman like it's the first time I've heard it. But the lesson in all of this hooha is learning how to take compliments which I've never been comfortable with before. Smile and say thanks even if you don't agree with it on the inside. I'm finding that it's more about the other person in that it's funny how people feel the need to comment.

I've found that people have started seeing me again. When I was large I was practically invisible. I could go out in public and people just wouldn't see me (which is interesting considering I was so big and am so tall), but people would basically see right through me. Now I notice that I get looked at rather than looked through when I'm out and about.

One of the things I wish we celebrated here in Oz is Halloween. I grew up having Halloween every year but it's just not the done thing here. I'm not entirely sure why because it's an awesome day. Anyhoo I did my own thing to celebrate (click to enlarge):


Cute huh?

And I've been naughty... I bought myself another birthday present... a new laptop. Go the spending spree eh? I blame Sooty. My current laptop hard drive is only 80GB and cuz you need to have your files on the 'puter to sync then to the iPod I need a bigger hard drive... despite the fact that my external hard drive is already full (damn that porn) I thought it would be better in the long run if I gots me a new porn machine laptop. I've already sold this one so I'm justifying it that way. So :P

And I've decided to do a video blog for y'all but it's going to be a blink or you'll miss it post. I'll post it for a whole 24 hours then take it down. Otherwise I'm going to have a cardiac about it and I do want to do a little video (no, not that kind Cheese). I'll email my regular readers to notify you three when it goes up so you don't miss it. Anyone else that stumbles across it will just be a lucky bugger.

And now for another revealing moment... no pun intended. Behold my before and now pics...















Yay me.

Hope you weren't eating ;}

Life, the universe and everything

Poor neglected blog, I do still love you, really I do. It's stoopid real life getting in the way again. How rude huh? Work is insane as usual, more topsy turvy than usual and getting a little annoying quite frankly. I thought that the last 6 months were pretty unsettled but it looks like the bumpy ride isn't over yet. I'm half tempted to pack it all in and find a new job but I don't like to quit when the going gets hard so I'm sticking with it. Just need to have some fricken patience.... patience grasshopper....

It's been a weird sort of weekend. Started off by having a dream that Benji came back from Abu Dhabi to tell me that he'd realised that he was madly in love with me (hellooo subconscious) and then there was a whole bunch of snogging so that put me in a melancholy mood...

I've spent the weekend clearing out the stuff in my spare room. I generally clean the house and dump any stuff I dunno what to do with in there so periodically it needs a good sorting out. I want to turn it in to an organised office but I think I'm going to need a mini dumpster to clear out the junk. What can I say, I'm a hoarder... Anyway when I was clearing out a box of papers I came across a few letters I'd kept from my grandparents (my dad's parents). I don't have any grandparents left and due to the nature of my upbringing I never really got to spend a lot of time with either set, much to my dismay. I always wanted the golden story book relationship with my grandparents full of baking goodies together, doing crafts and gardening together etc but unfortunately that was never for me.

Anyway two of the handwritten letters from my Grandpa just made me howl with loss. He died over 10 years ago and I regret to say it but he was always my favourite. Such a kind, good man - a true gentleman. Anyway the two letters I'm going to share with you are ones he sent to me when my parents broke up when I was 17 and then on my 18th birthday (which seems a millenium ago).

My Dear TG

I am very saddened by the separation of your Mum and Dad and it must be doublely so for you.

I feel sure that your Mum and Dad will always love you and will watch with interest your achievements, on your journey through life, and give assistance and advice when you ask.

I wish you well and will do my best to comfort, and give you help, when it is needed, as you are a dear granddaughter, those two words have a sincere meaning.

Lots of best love to a very dear person. I love you.

Grandpop. x x x


My Dear TG

The great day has come and you are now entitled to make decisions as to how you intend to conduct your life.

I congratulate you on reaching the age of eighteen, and do wish you well, but would like to point out to you that there are going to be many ups and downs as you journey through the "hurly burly" we call life. The main two people who will be following your progress and be willing to give if you ask for help, are Mum and Dad. So go ahead with dignity and honesty but full of confidence to a great experiance.

Good Travelling.

I will be following your progress with keen interest.

Much love to a very dear and special granddaughter.

love Grandpop x x x


It's funny because I've been missing him a lot recently but finding these letters again reminds me that he's watching over me as are all my Grandparents. Not really sure why I wanted to share all that with you but there it is anyway.

And so as not to leave you on a sad note, I've been bargain hunting again, the Alex Liddy dinnerset I've had my eye on for just about ages was on special (half price yeah!) this weekend so I splashed out. I looove it!


Have a great week!

awesome awesome awesome

A is for Awesome

Today I reached one of my weight milestones (heheh typoed miletonnes). I've cracked a number that I never thought I'd make. The last time I was this weight was about 6 maybe 7 years ago. You know I'm still waiting for the hard part to kick in... It's been so easy so far and the weight has just been melting off. 30kgs so far... still a little bit more to go but I feel so awesome at the moment. Absolutely LOVING the compliments and double takes I've been getting which is odd because I'm never really been able to take compliments well. Guess it's one of the lessons on this journey. Definately rediscovering my inner hottie. I thought she'd gone forever but she was just hidden under those layers of blubber. Look good, feel good. In fact I actually feel attractive.

I won a Lost season 1 and 2 boxed set in a competition - Awesome!! Have I mentioned how much I love that show ;} Mmmmm Sawyery goodness.

My birthday is sorta round the corner and it's quite possible that I won't be spending it alone...... I don't want to jinx m'self but it looks like there is a very nice man on the horizon. Tall AND cute... and waving at me! Can you believe that shit? Awesome!

And I found the below pic while googlaying a pic for awesome... and it's pretty awesome so just thought I'd leave you with it to sum up the awesomeness that is today.

seek and ye shall find

Funny how the Universe provides.... in the last episode we left TG pondering on how to deal with life's little challenges without comforting herself with food. And not entirely sure whether she had mastered (or even noviced) that art.

Today, Spam gives me a book to read titled "Think Slim: The key to making any diet work" by Mark Stephens. It claims to help you control emotional eating, eliminate limiting beliefs and negative feelings, change bad habits, set goals and stay motivated, alter your thinking at a subconscious level and use positive self talk. I had a little flip through it and it looks like it's based on NLP, self hypnosis and a smattering of other stuff. I've just finished reading a book on NLP and it's got some very interesting aspects to it so it should be interesting to read it in the food/diet light.

Interesting huh?

Thank you Universe, I look forward to reading it.

food glorious fooooood

What a week, well more like what a fortnight. I'm going to try and not make this a woe is me post but I'll apologise in advance if it gets that way.

Let me start with some lessons on food. With this whole "eating plan" thing I've learnt some really interesting things. Firstly that I do actually have will power. And not only that but iron clad will power. I have been so strict about sticking to my eating plan that I've really surprised myself that I've been so good. Don't get me wrong, I'd just about murder for a packet of salt and vinegar chips (or bacon and sour cream) and a very large vodka and lemonade but I'm good. I don't need it.

A friend of mine told me yesterday that if I change the way the world sees me then I change the way I see myself. I think that I've already taken the first step in my 1000 step journey and already it seems true. I know I'm feeling better about myself even with a 10kg loss so just imagine the me in another couple of months. I'm going to be absolutely killer! watch out world!

The second thing I've learnt is how much I used to use food and alcohol for comfort. I knew that I did it before I started but to actually recognise that urge and not obey the compulsion when I've been upset or feeling like crap has been interesting. It's also forced me to try and pull myself out of it mentally rather than stuffing handfuls of chips down my throat. I'm not sure if I've managed to master that aspect as I don't really have any answers for when I do feel like shite (well maybe shopping) but it makes me think that I'm reward driven, that I need something tangible to make myself feel better rather than dealing with whatever issue and trying to rationalise it. It's a bit hard with emotions as I don't think I've learnt how not to feel a certain way. I'm feeling pretty crappy at the moment but think that's more stress related.

It's funny how things happen in cycles. I don't know if it's just me or if it's work but everytime I think I can see the light at the end of the tunnel it turns out to be the train. I'm pretty much over my job and if it weren't for the cat I'd be moving asap. I'm half tempted to just go and see what happens with M'Lord. I don't know if I can wait for him to cark it before moving, I just don't know if I can put up with this shit for that long. That's how over it I am.... Normally I'm pretty good at grinning and bearing it and keep on keeping on but it's just wearing me down. I was thinking that maybe I could find another job here but I just don't want to do that. If I'm going to change jobs I want the total change. Dumb huh? *sigh*

Oh well, another day another dollar - back to keeping my chin up!

The wisdom that cleaning gives you

I had the day off today so I thought I'd tackle my spare room/study and sort out some of the stuff in there. I often write down things that I've heard or read and that I think are poignant and worth remembering. While cleaning today, I came across two scraps of paper that I don't remember writing and don't know where they've come from. They are:


Have patience in yourself.
Find the perspective to see yourself for what you are.
Know that you have it in you to persevere.

and

Recognise that while on the one hand you are limited and dependant, on the other you exist at the perfect centre where the harmonious and beneficent forces of the Universe merge and radiate. You are that centre. The more light you have the better you can see what is trivial and outmoded in your conditioning.


Interesting. And kinda what I needed to hear at the moment. I got confirmation today that Benji is leaving to go to Abu Dhabi. I feel sad about it but at the same time I feel dumb because I shouldn't feel like this as he was never mine in the first place. The perils of being a secret admirer eh? Bon Voyage Benji, as you sail out of my life.

what a difference 5kgs makes....

Well probably more like 7-10kgs if my first weigh in is anything to go by. Lost 5kgs in the first two weeks and I haven't weighed myself since so I'm not entirely sure. I've been measuring myself every week and have lost 25cm til now. I'm really pleased with the results I'm getting. It's amazing how much of a difference it's made to me so far. I'm starting to notice the looseness in my clothes and today I had a whole bunch of people ask me if I've lost weight and give me compliments. Just wait til they see me in another couple of months!! All this good food and exercise is doing me wonders. And DAMN I just feel so good!

The main thing with the 5-10kgs is that I've rediscovered my inner hottie. I know that she never truely left me but I haven't felt attractive in a long long time. But lately as I've gone shopping or walking around somewhere I've caught people looking at me again or giving me a doubletake - hell it's hard to miss me when I'm 6' tall but most people don't see fat people - or you get the look, then look away thing. I don't know whether it's just my perception or whether it's that inner goodness feeling is shining through but it feels really good to be 'seen' again.

I've come from being a skinny tall hottie to being a obese tall nottie so I've seen both sides of the being looked over/being overlooked thingo. Very interesting but sadly and much to my surprise I enjoy being looked over than overlooked. I never used to be like that in fact it made me very uncomfortable to be looked at. I've never flaunted my figure in tight tops etc au contraire I was the queen of baggy tops. I'm not sure if I'll ever be like that but it's nice to be optically appreciated ;} I still dress for my shape at the moment but I think I'm carrying myself differently.

It's either the inner hottie shining through or the fact that I look a little more striking as I've dyed my hair from honey blonde to dark brown. Fortunately for me I have the complexion to carry it off but it does make my green eyes more striking than being blonde. Havin m'self a mini makeover!

There are so many good things going on at the moment - those big changes at work are all moving in the right direction and looks like there's still more interesting developments on the horizon. I'm really enjoying my friendship with Sisa and everyday I just enjoy her more and more, a very unexpected friendship. I'd be so pleased if she decides to move to Melb at the same time as me. That'd be so grand. My house is coming together nicely, all the little loose ends are coming together.

But I'm very sad to say that I'm totally hooked on this year's Big Brother and it's only because the most gorgeous man is on the show. Thomas, super tall, super cute, super sweet AND a real estate agent. What more could a girl want.... (and is profile pic REALLY doesn't do him any justice)

anyhoo, gotta go perve!

and now for the pointy end of the stick

While in Melbourne I had a total shift in thinking and I'm embarking on a new path. Well several new paths but I'll get to that. I know it's all the rage at the moment but my host Kip in Melbourne made me watch The Secret dvd. A lot of it I already knew but there were certain aspects that really clicked with me. So much so I made 5 pages worth of notes and had a 6 hour deep and meaningful with Kip about life, the universe and everything.

A couple of things have resulted from that whole thing. Most importantly is that I'm now on a new eating program and absolutely loving it. I'm doing the Cohens "diet". I sat down and tried to work out why I've failed in all of my past attempts to get rid of the excess weight and it's come down to a few things. Despite my best intentions I'm just lazy so rigorous excercise programs just don't cut it for me and like all diets and programs that I've been on in the past they've petered out over the first 3-4 weeks. I start all gung ho and then meh couldn't be bothered. I just can't stick to it on my own. I've tried working out with a buddy and having chats about food and stuff but ultimately one or both of us slide into decline.

This time someone is helping me. I have a 'personal consultant' who I have set goals with and have mandatory monthly weigh ins. There are two-monthly blood tests (done by an independant third party) to measure blood glucose, liver function etc. Actually my first blood test was pretty telling - I have impaired fasting glycemia which is on the road to developing diabetes. The normal range is between 3.4-5.4 and mine was 6.1. Not surprising really but very interesting and even more incentive to stick with it.

I've got a long way to go but I've been on this program for a week today and damn I feel good! I'm still waiting for the hard part to kick in. And already today, two people have asked me if I've lost weight and even though I may have lost a little (I haven't weighed myself) it's probably just my increased confidence coming through. I feel thinner. I feel excited by this diet and where I'll be at the end of it. The food isn't anything different from what I normally eat but there's very little dairy, no sugar and limited wheat. Other than that it's basically meat and veg and a bit of fruit. The main difference to my normal meal is portion size. Sure I get a little hungry but it's not going to kill me.

I think part of the reason that I feel that this is going to succeed is that I have someone that I'm accountable to. It's clear to me that I'm not accountable to myself. I'm not good at keeping promises to myself and I cannot stick to any sort of eating or exercise program by myself. I'm approaching this program with a positive attitude and a commitment to stick with it. Sure I'm not allowed to have some of the things I love but it's a short term pain for a long term loss. I can deal with that. And I've gotten myself organised. I've made backup plans, I'm planning ahead and I have an answer for everything and I'm sticking to it by the letter. And I don't have a problem with that because it's not hard.

The other reason I know I will succeed is because I've come to terms with the reasons behind putting on the fat suit. That's a whole other post as this one is already getting long but I think that acknowledging the reasons and dealing with the issues behind it is another step in the right direction and a step in keeping it off. That and once I get down to my goal weight I NEVER EVER want to be where I am today again. EVER.

The other conclusion that I came to on the weekend is that I like the program because I have control. Intense control over what I eat. Not that I never had control before but it was as if it was all unconscious with no thought to what I was putting in my mouth. Even on the weekend I've caught myself unconsciously about to eat something without realising it. I made my brother a gummy bear filled egg for easter and there were a few left over and as I was tidying the kitchen I had one of them half way up to my mouth before I realised what I was doing. Same with some left over munchies in the fridge, half a dozen times I caught myself zombieing to the fridge when I was bored about to go and snack. So all offending items have been removed from the house and it's business as usual.

Anyway I'm really happy about this and excited about the future. There's also been some major developments at work which mean good things for me so I'm excited about that. Now if only I can get my love life in order I'll have won the trifecta!

Life is good.