Let me apologise to begin with...

bear with me here....

Let me apologize to begin with
Let me apologize for what I'm about to say

But trying to be genuine was harder than it seemed
And somehow I got caught up in between

Let me apologize to begin with
Let me apologize for what I'm about to say

But trying to be someone else was harder than it seemed
And somehow I got caught up in between

[Chorus]
Between my pride and my promise
Between my lies and how the truth gets in the way

And things I want to say to you get lost before they come
The only thing that's worse than one is none
[End Chorus]

Let me apologize to begin with
Let me apologize for what I'm about to say

But trying to regain your trust was harder than it seemed
And somehow I got caught up in between

[Chorus]
Between my pride and my promise
Between my lies and how the truth gets in the way

The things I want to say to you get lost before they come
The only thing that's worse than one is none
The only thing that's worse than one is none
[End Chorus]

And I cannot explain to you
And anything I say or do or plan

Fear is not afraid of you
But guilt's a language you can understand

I cannot explain to you
And anything I say or do
I hope the actions speak the words they can

[Chorus]
For my pride and my promise
For my lies and how the truth gets in the way

The things I want to say to you get lost before they come
The only thing that's worse than one is

Pride and my promise
Between my lies and how the truth gets in the way

The things I want to say to you get lost before they come
The only thing that's worse than one is none
The only thing that's worse than one is none
The only thing that's worse than one is none
[End Chorus]


yesyes it's music once again but lemme just say that I like a boy.... I haven't liked a boy since Benji in what seems all those millennium ago. And really he's not a boy but a man. And a super smart and witty man at that. One that makes me laugh and has beautiful eyes. What more could you want in a man huh? I feel all giddy and want to make any excuse to talk to him. Naturally I've tried his last name on and it's a nice fit. yeah, I like this guy...

PS. I think I found a really cool job to go to as well.

fer farks sake

I've burnt myself three times in the last week, twice on the oven rack, once on the iron... geez. Conclusion - ironing is bad for your health!

anyhoo... allow me to update you with all the fascinating things that have been happening in my life because I realise it's been a while since my last post...

First of all, and I guess most importantly of all I've changed work teams - this means that I've lost half my minions (which is a good thing as it's the most time and stress intensive minions that I've lost) and I now have my own personal bulldog for a boss. He's complicated but better than the last. This doesn't mean that I'm going to stay any longer than I'd planned but just means that the remaining time is less painful. Still madly applying for jobs to get the hell out off the sinking ship.

Secondly I'm back out there, y'know on the market. I've gone on two dates, both with unsuitable guys but it's the thought that counts right? the fact that I'm out there right? Additionally Asshole1, the one that really killed me is kinda back in my life. BUT and I capitalise that, BUT it's as my friend because I've kinda had a revelation that it's not him that I've got the shits at but it's myself. Ultimately all he can give me is either an apology or an admission and I want neither from him. He's all of a sudden, wanted to come over twice so far (and is wrangling for a third time) but hasn't pulled his usual shit so dunno what the go is there. I was expecting him to pull something last time but he didn't so...? I was going to use it as an excuse to have "the conversation" with him but realised the above. That basically it's me that I have the shits with, not him. That I'm angry at myself for fooling myself and falling for his bullshit and glossing over those alarmbells that rang instead of asking questions when I should of. Fuck it's only taken me 10+ years to realise that... better late than never huh? ;} Just sucks that we've clicked right back into old times like nothing has ever happened and get on so well. Problem is that I can never EVER trust him again despite how charming and fucking hot he is. I'd never be able to be comfortable with him, never be able to relax. Which makes me wonder what he wants from me. It's not his style to just, all of a sudden, be friends. And this is how it all started between us in the first place, just hanging out, chattin bout music... So we'll see, he's got some DVDs of mine and wants to return them sometime this week so maybe it's just friends, maybe it's not. I'll keep ya posted.

But that being said I've decided that within 2 years I'm having a baby. So I'm looking for breeders and this whole date thing, hasn't helped. Just have to keep lookin without having that reeking cologne of desperation on me...

And for those of you who haven't seen Wolf Creek... go and watch it now... maybe... finally got around to watching it this weekend and holy fuck it really doesn't pull any punches... wowsers.

thats enough for now, enjoy.

stating the bleedin obvious

I don't know if you've noticed but I have this little tendency to overthink things... well of course I've been thinking about this Benji thing and I've come up with 8 possible outcomes. One of which being the optimal with one second best. The rest are undesirable. And the optimal to me is probably not what you think. There are two main courses of action:

Option 1 - Do nothing, say nothing
1) stay friends and still never know and have to move on (aka stop being a pathetic loser)
2) he starts something of his own accord
2a) could be the start of something great
2b) could be the start of something ambiguous
2c) go home and it's the end

Option 2 - say something/do something
3) something happens
3a) could be the start of something great
3b) could be the start of something ambiguous
3c) go home and it's the end
4) get knocked back

That's pretty shite odds 1 in 8... I should maybe have prefaced all of this with the fact that he does not know how I feel about him. Well at least I'm pretty sure he doesn't. That's debatable by some but I'm pretty sure he doesn't suspect anything because I've made sure of that. Which makes all of this all the more psycho in my mind... and more complex because I haven't decided what I want to do about it when I get there. My aim is to just go and have fun and gauge along the way but my worst nightmare is to go there and come away from this still being in the dark. The sanest thing would be to just walk away and build a bridge... but if you knew this man.... wowsers. And I guess that's why I'm doing this. I can't let him be the one that got away. Not that he's mine in the first place but... I don't know. Any way I look at it it feels stalkerish and that's just not my intention. So on the surface it's me traveling to visit a friend with a hidden secret agenda that may or may not happen.

*sigh* yep it's been another long day and I'm tired and going round in circles... again.

The story of my life....

Why, why, WHY do I do this to myself? Have I or have I not been bitching and moaning about how crap my job is for the last however long and now that I have an interview for a job somewhere else I'm toying with the idea of staying put. Mainly because the course I did last week has actually made me excited about my work again. Is it self sabotage? Comfortzone-itis? Fear of the unknown? Fuck I don't know but I'm driving myself nuts with the to-ing and fro-ing. Really fuckin annoying! Guess I probably have to actually get the other job before I start thinking about it all but... I'm one for thinking ahead. And I know I'll get it. Just know it. AAARRGGHHH!!! Just wish I knew what the answer is. *sigh*

On the plus side I got an email from Benji this morning telling me I can sleep in his room and he will sleep on the couch... I'm going to leave it there because I know you know what I'm thinking. But I'm not going to let him do that, I'm happy to sleep on the couch as it would just be too... too pleasurably perverse for me to sleep in his bed.

I dunno if it's the pending full moon but everything seems to be happening at once again. Hate that manic cycle...

Oh and I can't count... it's not 30 days to go from last post... It's 31 days to go as of today, can you say keen? ;}

si que what?

Wowsers have I had two blasts from the past today... back on my old blog, back in Jan 2006 I talked about a serious hottie McHothot named JDub who wrote me this unexpected email after he had left the organisation. I wrote back to him but he never replied after that and out of sight, out of mind. Today... two years later he writes back to my original reply and says "Hi, sorry it's taken so long to reply - how's it all goin?" whaaaaaa? that's the longest EVER time taken to reply to an email... two whole years.... hehehe and naturally I've written back because he was seriously WOAH. It's funny because the first time I saw him that was my reaction... "woah who's that?!!" actually that was my first reaction with Benji too... so tis a measure of his hotness. So I'll be expecting a reply in another two years ;}

AND yesterday I got an email from my first ever internet friend. Bout 10 years ago, before I had my very own 'puter and internet connection, I used to go to the library and book in for an hours free internet chat and he was the first guy I ever spoke to in a chat room. We chatted every day and eventually chatted on the phone waaay too much, each of us racking up mondo phone bills. Then for reasons I won't explain we had to stop chatting and lost touch. Today I got an email from him for StumbleUpon which sends an email to everyone in your contacts list when you sign up so we've reconnected and I'll probably catch up with him when I'm in the states. He's changed heaps, hell he's 10 years older (and he has the best birth date "two for 69" 2/4/1969... which doesn't work in australian as here it's 4/2/69 but anyway) and seems older and wiser.

So interesting Vday today... really wanted something from my Benji but that's worth waiting a lifetime for... This time next year I'll be boring you with sappy sap, mark my words.

And pilfered this while combing my old blog: http://www.redhotscott.co.uk/shoppinglists/